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Police staked out a bar for DUI violations. Closing time, a man stumbles out of the bar, trips on the curb, tries his keys on 5 cars before finding his. He fumbled with his keys several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally starting his engine he pulled away. Waiting police stopped the driver, read him his rights, tested his breath. It was 0.0. The driver said, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

A backslider's drinking of moonshine invariably led to quarreling with neighbors and occasional shotgun blasts at some of them. Can't you see, the parson asked, nothing good comes from drinking? I disagree, replied the backslider. It makes me miss folks I shoot at.

* When nondrinkers wake the morning that's as good as they'll feel all day.
* The guy who removes cigarette butts from the urinal also puts the ice in your drinks.
* Drinking to forget? Pay in advance.

5 Stages of Drunkenness

Stage 1 - SMART you're always RIGHT. The guy you talk to is WRONG. An interesting argument, you're both SMART.

Stage 2 - BEST LOOKING strangers want to talk to you, still SMART.

Stage 3 - WORLD'S RICHEST your armored truckful of money waits outside. Still SMART you win all your bets. Buy people drinks, you're the world's BEST LOOKING.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF fight anyone and everyone, especially those you bet or argue with. Nothing hurts you. Challenge people to battles of wits or money. You won't lose - you're SMART, RICH, BETTER LOOKING!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE even the person who wants to fight you won't see you. Dance on tables, impress people. Walk down the street singing at the top of your lungs. No one sees or hears you. You're so SMART you know all the words.

Be advised! Alcohol consumption makes you

• think you're whispering when you're not
• tell the same boring story over and over until friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN
• thay shings like thish
• believe ex-lovers are really dying for your call at 4 a m
• wonder what the hell happened to your pants
• wake up beside something scary whose species or name you can't remember
• get inexplicable rug burns on the forehead
• think you're tougher, handsomer and smarter than some big guy named Chuck
• believe you're invisible and people laugh WITH you
• see a time-space continuum influx where gaps of time disappear
• pregnant

We Drank
for joy, became miserable
for sociability, argued
for sophistication, became obnoxious
for friendship, became enemies
to help us sleep, woke up exhausted
for strength, got weaker
for exhilaration, got depressed
for medical reasons, got sick
to calm down, got the shakes
for confidence, became afraid
for conversation, slurred incoherent
to diminish problems, they multiplied
to feel heavenly, felt like hell

Sobering Thoughts
 Cookies baked, tree trimmed
 Cards written, presents purchased
 So many parties, too many drinks
 Fancy dresses, pretty tresses
 Candles lighted, spirits brightened
 Glasses clinking, ice cubes tinkling
 Scotch, beer, punch and wine

 So many parties, too many drinks
 Vision blurred, speech slurred
 Car weaving, tires screeching
 Windshield shattered, metal mangled
 Blood oozing, life ebbing
 Sirens blaring, lights glaring
 Pavement wet, grave cold
 So many parties, too many drinks

DEATH OF AN INNOCENT
I went to a party remembering Mom said
Don't drink, I drank soda instead
I know I did right, Mom's always right
The party ends, they drive out of sight
I got in my car, I'd get home in one piece
Because Mom raised me responsible and sweet
I drive away, pull out to the road
They didn't see me, hit me like a load
I lay on the pavement, hear police say
The other guy's drunk, it's me who pays

I lie here dying, please get here soon
How could this happen? My life burst like a balloon
There's blood all around me, most of it mine
The medic says I'll die in a short time
Let me tell you I didn't drink
It was the others, they didn't think

He was probably at the same party as I
The difference is he drank and I'll die 
Why do people drink? It can ruin your life
I feel sharp pains, cuts like a knife
The guy who hit me walks, it's not fair
I lie here dying and he just stares

Tell brother don't cry, tell Daddy be brave
I'll go to heaven, visit my grave
Someone should tell him, don't drink and drive
If only they told him, I'd still be alive
My breath gets shorter, I'm scared
Don't cry for me, when I needed you you were there
One last question, I'll say good-bye
I didn't drink and drive. Why must I die?

THE NIGHT JENNY DIED
Jenny loved the house they found
For once it was on the right side of town
Unpacking things with greatest of ease
Watching new curtains blow in the breeze
Jenny finally had her own room
School would start, she'd have friends over soon
First day of school, everything's keen
Lots of new friends, date the star of the team

Her parents said she was too young to date
I won't tell the truth, what's there to lose?
Jenny asked to stay with friends that night
Her parents frowned but said, All right
Jenny felt guilty telling the lies
What's pizza, a party, a moonlight ride?

Pizza good, party great
Moonlight ride would have to wait
Jeff, drunk, kissed her and said he was fine
The room filled with smoke and Jeff took a puff
Jenny couldn't believe he'd smoke that stuff
Jeff was ready to ride to the point
After he'd smoked another joint
They jumped in the car for the moonlight ride
Not thinking he was too drunk to drive
They made it to the point at last
Jeff started trying to make a pass
My parents were right, I am too young
How could I ever be so dumb

With all her might she pushed Jeff away
Please take me home, I don't want to stay
Jeff cranked up the engine and floored the gas
In a matter of seconds going too fast
Jeff drove on in fits of wild anger
Jenny knew her life was in danger
She begged and begged him to slow down
He drove faster and faster nearing town
Let me get home! I'll confess I lied
I really went out for a moonlight ride
All of a sudden she saw a big flash
Oh God, Please help us! We're going to crash!

She doesn't remember the force of impact
Just everything suddenly going black
Someone removed her from twisted rubble
Said, Call an ambulance! These kids are in trouble!
Voices she heard, a few words at best
About two cars involved in the wreck
She wondered if Jeff was all right
If those in the other car were alive
She woke in the hospital to faces sad
She was in a wreck looking pretty bad
Voices echoed inside her head
They gently told her Jeff was dead
They said Jenny, we've done all we can do
It looks as if we'll lose you too

The people in the other car? Jenny cried
We're sorry, Jenny, they also died
Jenny prayed, God, forgive what I've done
I only wanted a night of fun
Tell their family I made their lives dim
I wish I could return their loved ones to them
Tell Mom and Dad I'm sorry I lied
It's my fault so many died
Nurse, please tell them that for me
The nurse just stood there and never agreed
She took Jenny's hand with tears in her eyes
A few moments later Jenny died
A man asked the nurse, Why didn't you do your best
To bid that girl her last request?
She looked at the man with eyes so sad
Those in the other car were her mom and dad
This story is sad and unpleasant but true
Take heed, it could have been you

Alcoholics Anonymous