Chapter Nine
"Debbie."
"How... how are you?"
She opens the door for him to enter and when he steps into the dim light of the hallway she notices how awful he looks. Almost as bad as Elijah, who retreated early again this evening, never saying a word when he walked back to the relative safety of the guesthouse.
"Do you know where Elijah is?"
His stormy grey eyes search hers and she realises that he genuinely doesn't know. She smiles and gently pushes him into the kitchen, hoping to talk to him first before she tells him where he can find Elijah. "Come in, Dom, let me get you some coffee."
He's strangely reluctant, she can see that. And jittery. Almost afraid. So completely opposite of how he had entered the house for the very first time early last year, when he and Elijah had decided to share the guesthouse for a while and a very enthusiastic Elijah had introduced him to her. She was immediately captivated by his personality and his humour, and after their first dinner together, which was lined with stories about their time in New Zealand and hilarious impersonations of the various cast and crew, she realised how easily he could charm the birds out of the sky. Which was kind of a funny expression, really, as she quickly sensed that Dom was not exactly the kind of guy to charm the birds.
She remembers it as a rather momentous evening, really.
Fortunately, nobody ever noticed how unceremoniously she had dropped down into the nearest chair, taking a long hard look at Elijah and then Dom and then Elijah again, and realising that the pleasant electricity she had felt humming in the air that evening had in fact a highly sexual undercurrent to it. Now that she knew what to look for she could also register tenderness and protectiveness. And, right before the bouncy pair traded the main house for the kennel, she actually sensed love. It was a faint trace, something that would barely register with outsiders, but this was her son, and she knew instantly.
The past weeks of worry and Confusion have tired Debbie beyond belief and she thinks that maybe she shouldn't be so awkwardly polite with Dom, as it is so far removed from how she feels right now and it doesn't work with him anyway. Maybe it's best to just be honest with him. She knows how he prefers honesty, and is one of those rare people who can actually take it. Besides, she doesn't think it very likely he will open up to her about anything between him and Elijah if he has not spoken to Elijah first. So she abandons the idea of wanting to coax information out of Dom and tries very hard to dismiss the motherly protectiveness from her mind.
Dom's eyes are cast down, avoiding hers. She proceeds to pour him a cup, and he hesitatingly sits down at the table, studying his hands. It suddenly occurs to her that he probably thinks she and Elijah talked about whatever there is wrong between the two of them, and that he doesn't have the heart to look at her anymore, now that he suspects she knows he is gay. Debbie smiles inwardly. She places a hand under his chin and raises his head gently. They look at each other. Honesty.
"Shhh, don't worry, honey. He's here."
* * *
Dom opens the door to the guesthouse and walks inside, going through the kitchen, past the bedroom, making a straight line to the livingroom. It's completely dark in the house, and utterly quiet. He looks around, vaguely making out the shapes of familiar furniture, and walks towards the glass sliding door at the end of the room. He steps out onto the small deck, surprised to find it empty. Debbie told him Elijah seemed to spend a lot of time there, smoking, thinking, wanting to be left alone. He checks again, searching for the glowing tip of a cigarette or the glow of shiny blue eyes. Neither are there.
Shit.
Dom takes a deep breath. And another one. He's standing with the doorknob in his hand and all of a sudden, he is fucking nervous. He shivers, and in a flash he remembers that particular moment in time when he had found himself outside Lij's on-set trailer. It had been a very wet evening and he remembers standing there in the rain, bottle of wine in hand, angrily mulling over Billy's words while desperately rehearsing his own. In the process he also needed to decide whether he even dared knocking on the metal door at all, and consequently he had ended up quite wet and bloody cold, not to mention feeling like an insecure, hormonal virgin all over again.
Except he wasn't, and the object of his desire most probably was. So, swallowing his fears, he knocked.
* * *
"Hey, Dom, come in. Fuck, how long have you been standing there, man?" A small hand reaches out and drags him forcefully into the trailer which is dimly lit and warm. Elijah brings in towels from the small shower compartment and supervises the rubbing of wet skin and wet hair meticulously. Only after Dom has satisfyingly rid himself of his soaking jacket and the cold water in his hair, does Lij accept the bottle he offers. "Nice, looks good! Want a glass? It'll warm you up. Here, lemme make some space, sit down, man. Tired? You look tired, where did you come from, man, being so wet? Anyway, I guess we're all knackered, I sure know I am. Fake rocks and more fucking fake rocks. Drives us both crazy. Damn, where's the bloody corkscrew?"
Dom doesn't sit, just stands opposite Elijah, towel still in his hand, looking at him, completely captivated by those fucking eyes. Like a punch in the stomach it had felt, the first time he had ever looked into them, standing in Pete's livingroom. And they can still hit him with such force it makes him feel queasy. He just stares into blue, sees the moving mouth, but doesn't really register what is being said. And why is Elijah suddenly looking back at him?
"Dom, are you alright? Why are you looking at me like that?"
Deep breath. "Lij," Dom says softly, wrapping his fingers around Elijah's wrist. "Will you be quiet for a minute and listen to me, because I'm really nervous about saying what I came here to say and if I don't do it quickly, I'll never have the courage again." The expression on Lij's face changes so fast it makes Dom feel dizzy all over again, but at least Lij's quiet and serious now, and he pulls him towards the couch. They sit down.
"Elijah," and why, for fuck's sake, did he just use the guy's full name?
Elijah has gone very still all of a sudden, sensing Dom's distress, and is frantically ticking off all kinds of scenarios in his overactive brain.
* * *
Have I hurt Dom in any way, did I say something stupid? I could have, I am very capable of doing that. Let me just ask Dom if I've done anything stupid. 'Cause I'd make it up to him in a heartbeat. Oh, now he's shaking his head. Okay, okay, I'll be quiet. I know how to take a hint, thank you.
* * *
"Lij, I think that what I'm gonna say here is probably going to freak the hell out of you but I've decided I'd rather risk that than lose my fucking mind...." Deep breath again. "I'm scared shitless here, Lij, but if I don't say anything to you about this I will probably continue waiting for a clue or a move from you my entire fucking life, and since I've noticed you're not very good at taking subtle hints I suppose I'll die waiting. And that's just not an option anymore..."
Elijah's frowning slightly, trying to come up with possible explanations for this unexpected outburst. "Dom," he says, very softly. "I don't understand a fucking thing you're saying, so..." He gestures randomly with his hand, and Dom takes that as his cue to spit it all out.
Breathing is the key, Monaghan.
"I think you already suspect that I..." slight hitch "that I'm gay. I fancy guys, not girls. Although I admit that I sometimes sort of tend to send out mixed signals, I want to make it really clear to you that I like men."
The eyes are serious, fixed on Dom's, his breathing is steady, facial features fairly relaxed. Guess he'd already figured that one out, then. Good signs. Good. Good. So far, so good.
"Would it really scare you if I told you that I think I have, erm, a... a bit of... a bit of a crush... on you? Maybe even a bit more than... erm... a crush?" The eyebrows shoot up. "Shit Lij, please, don't freak out, please. God, I'm really sorry, but I fucking had to tell you. It's been driving me completely crazy. Not to mention Billy."
Elijah just sits there, not registering Dom's attempt at a joke, eyes softly going out of focus, wheels turning in his head. Dom panics a little, guessing that Elijah is not taking this too good after all. The eyes snap back into focus and they stare straight at him now.
"Is that why you have been giving me all these odd stares lately?" Sensing relief, Dom grins sheepishly, in spite of himself. He nods, crooked smile in place. "Did it upset you? 'Cause I can stop giving you stares if you really need me to." Another moment of slipping out of and back into focus. Then Lij shakes his head, slowly, deliberately. "They don't upset me. You couldn't upset me, I think. Ever." They're both silent for a bit.
"So...you don't find it a repulsive thought then, Lij?" He just needs to know. Again, after a moment's deliberation, Elijah very slowly shakes his head, eyes trained on a spot somewhere near his bare feet. "Can you say that and look at me?" Dom knows he's pushing Lij where he has no right to, but if he doesn't ask all this now, he sure as hell never will. Lij keeps staring at his feet. "Lij?"
"Lij, you okay?" Right, enter panic. "Oh fuck, Lij, I'm sorry. I should have kept quiet. Billy and his sodding advice... I'm so sorry. Let's just forget about it, right? Won't mention it ever again. That's what we'll do. Okay? Lij?"
When Elijah turns his head to face Dom, there is no panic in his eyes, however. "We won't forget about it, Dom. At least I won't." He lets out a shuddery breath. "I don't really know what to say to you, Dommie. Not yet, I mean, but... I'm not offended and I don't find you repulsive, and I like you staring at me, and I like it when you sit here with me when everybody else is gone, and we talk or we're quiet... I like quiet with you." He pauses to consider what he has just said and negotiates with himself if he's willing to continue. Surprising both himself and Dom, Elijah gently lifts Dom's hand from the couch and closes his own small fingers around it. He stares at both hands, softly moving his fingers just the slightest bit over Dom's skin.
"You know," his voice is barely more than a whisper and his look is still firmly locked on his own hand encompassing Dom's. "I like being with you so much that it scares me a bit, now that I come to think of it. Because I think I never dare to look at myself in that way, you know..." He shifts a bit on the couch. "Yet I think I have to, one day, 'cause sometimes it just seems impossible to push it from my mind... It keeps popping back in my head over and over again at night, and that always makes me think of you and..." He risks a slight sideways glance at Dom's expectant face. He struggles to find the right words, but they won't come. "I just always think of you then..." He turns his head back to the spot near his feet. "God, am I making any fucking sense?"
Dom nods and gives him his warmest smile. "I can sit here with you a little longer and we can do the quiet-thing for a bit if you like. 'Cause I really like that too." They look at each other and there's the telepathy again, no words, no sounds, but understanding each other perfectly nevertheless. Dom pours two glasses of wine and they sit back on the couch, hands entwined once more, shoulder to shoulder, four bare feet resting against the coffeetable, both staring at nothing in particular, breathing steadily, thinking about the weight of the words they spoke just now, strangely comfortable in the silence that enfolds them. Comforted, even.
* * *
Dom shared Elijah's bed that night. He kept strictly to his side of the bed of course, but Elijah had said it very clearly. "Crash here, it's raining outside. The bed's big enough. And you're drunk." That last bit was not true, but for once Dom refrained from arguing. He put on a pair of Lij's sweats and a t-shirt and listened to the rain on the flimsy roof of the trailer and Elijah's steady breathing - when it finally came. Not wanting to fall asleep but ultimately having to succumb to it, he realised he was the fucking happiest man on the entire fucking planet.
* * *
Squaring his shoulders, Dom slowly twists the brass knob and pushes the door open, silently entering the dark bedroom. He smells the sweet scent of cloves, and squints his eyes in the dark, trying to locate Elijah.
The tip of a clove lights up and Dom sees him then, sitting on the floor, his face hit by a tiny ray of porchlight he hadn't noticed until now. The eyes are huge and shiny, glowing almost, before they are blocked from Dom's vision by a cloud of smoke. He doesn't say a word, but isn't refusing him either, and Dom walks closer to the spot where Elijah's sitting, fully dressed, with his back against the wall.
On the floor, next to his legs, is a plate with a barely touched sandwich on it, a very full ashtray, an iPod with the wires of the earphones all tangled up, and, on top of an unopened packet of cigarettes, there's a ring.
Dom swallows, struggling to look away from the silver band. When his eyes are connected to the blue gaze again, he lowers himself onto the floor opposite Elijah, and arranges himself into a more comfortable position. They stare at each other. The tip of the clove lights up again and Elijah goes unfocused for a few seconds.
Slowly, Dom stretches out his hand and waits. Elijah disappears behind two more scented clouds, before he crushes the cigarette in the ashtray. He keeps staring at Dom intently when he slowly, softly, carefully closes his fingers over Dom's.
"Let's do the quiet-thing for a while, okay?" he says.
Dom smiles, nods, and scoots a little closer to Elijah, resting their hands on one of his knees. "I'd like that."
Chapter Ten
Meet Confusion Index