So here I am already on a new page of journals, which will be filled by the end of two weeks, maybe....I made the background color to this page yellow NOT because I enjoy the color. Lauren says there is a theory that painting your bedroom with yellow walls will make you go insane...quite pointedly I should remark that Lauren's old bedroom used to be yellow and look what she is like today. HAHA, actually she told me that and then I told her my digust with Alan's bedroom in Winona which he painted bright yellow but we're not sure with him which comes first, the chicken or the egg? (I'm about to be murdered for saying that..) Lately I've been writing like crazy in my journal. I have a lot on my mind...Does anyone listen to music lyrics and just really enjoy it without completely understanding what is so enjoyable about it? It means there is someone out there who has written about what your thoughts are running through your head. Honestly my favorite song is "Imagine" by the Beatles and the lyrics have NOTHING to do with what I think about but I still love the lyrics. I can't put my finger on it. Last summer I was obsessed with "You've Got to Hide Your Love Away", quite clearly I had no love to project in the first place, so what was my fascination with the song? I enjoy the history of World war two, I read an account about someone's experience with the war and it sends me on a frenzy to learn more and more cuz there is something hidden inside of it that makes me want to hear more.
It's called an interest, Kate. Which of course I understand but why am I so intersted in Beatles music? Clearly I am not attracted to the singers (ish), they sing about rampant nonsense....or words with no linkage to the outside world (I am the Walrus written while on drugs?). But I still want to read it, understand it or at least know it. I keep running to what I'm intrested in but gaining nothing in return, not completely making some sense of what I'm being enlightened upon. That is what this journal writing is, or any e-mail I've written a friend, or any time I went to a close friend cuz I wanted to talk about something that had no specificity. I am figuring out how to be satisfied, and content. Somewhere growing up I messed something up and got trapped in a repeated behavior. I asked Brian what makes him so content, so satisfied with being by himself, and independent. He says he doesn't know, it is just the way he is. I want to be just unconsciously satisfied, to not even realize how content I am and to just want what I already have. I keep going to all these songs, people, reading like crazy with some kind of expectation that eventually I will have come up with some way to be relaxed and live as though I am not aware of my own attempts at being satisfied. It will just come naturally...
Saturday, December 27th 10:45 PM
Today I said goodbye to Lauren...she is in London for 3 weeks, BITE ME! And she's nervous....why? I would be ECSTATIC! I finally got all my grades back and I actually got A's and B's, even though I seriously thought I was going to get a D in my Psychology class...I don't know WHAT happened with that. Since break I have kept so busy, it's crazy...tonite is my first night by myself and I'm using to indulge into my latest "vice" which I choose not to disclose, hehe. Heather and I are moving into our new apartment most likely on this coming Thursday, which is New Years Day. I am actually starting to get pretty excited for it....it just seemed so far off for so long.
Things are going better here for me, I actually have "fixed" some of my problems, but I created a new one to replace the old ones, blah. I will get over this, I just get too highly anxious way too much of the time. Ben's 21st birthday pictures are posted on my page, that was pretty great...except that I left early and missed out on the "real" fun--Ben's funny quotes, dammit Kate! Been doing a lot of Caribou visiting, eating out at restaurants and plenty of socializing. My latest venture is to figure out who this Caribou manager boy is, I think he's pretty "decent", hehe....well not really, it's fun to think about but yeah usually things don't work out right for Kate. Last night I wound up partying late at Mitch's old "residence", I got home at 5:30 AM after I sobered up, my dad was not too happy with me and I've been tired all day, blah. No more drinking for Kate (yeah right). Why do I keep referring to myself in the 3rd person? Anyway, that's all for now, HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
Monday, December 29th midnight
Have you ever had a friend that it seems like it's a hopeless attempt to get them to see a new perspective on something? Of course that is me, I know that plenty of my friends give me advice, giving me their own perspective and of course I listen, but at the same time I find some way to make an excuse to counteract your point. I have a friend that all I want to do is give advice, but give it my way. I want to shake them, and tell them to wake up and realize how ridiculous they are making their life, but really....I can't do that cuz how many countless times have I shut out other people's input cuz I am too far in depth to my own thoughts to jump to another consideration? You can't change yourself, your ideas, and your perspective until you go through the experience yourself that MAKES you want to change it, there has to be motivation. Listening to someone talk is not going to provoke any alteration, and for this I realized over the past week. Listening to other people's problems and watching them go through intense issues makes me realize that we all have our fair share of problems, but the difference is in how people view themselves, others, and what is going on around them. The same person could be going through exactly what I deal with and handle it ten times better than I do, while my friend is going through the same issues/thoughts I have had and they are handling it the same way I used to handle it. What now? It's frustrating....I need to think more and get back to this...grrr!
Sunday, January 4th 2004! midnight
I have finally started to add some pics on my webpage that are not old and outdated, I guess I have finally seen my friends again at "special occassions" that call for camera picture taking, so some enjoyable things there. Here I sit in Lauderdale, MN in my new apartment with Heather. Heather and I had talked about in HS once about getting an apartment together when we were older and I was like, ahhh ok....that's so far in the future when you aren't even graduated out of high school yet, so it finally happened! Not much of a life for me though, I have no car so I can't just pick up and go. I can, however, hop the bus to campus or DT Minneapolis and if I'm even more ambitious I can take a suburb bus from downtown to go visit the new love of my life (not really...) mystery boy that works at my favorite pasttime (seriously, just think about this for a second...). What is pathetic is that I for one don't know if he has a girlfriend and two, he doesn't know my name. He just recognizes me and smiles real big ::sigh:: I did my research and got information from Ben, and Mitch certainly did his research and found out some wonderful key information for me. So far, so good. Stay tuned! HAPPY NEW YEAR!