Rufus, the 13th Apostle: That's one way of putting it. Another way of putting it would be to say that I was bludgeoned to shit by a big fucking rocks
Bethany Sloane: You knew Jesus?
Rufus, the 13th Apostle: Knew him? Nigga owes me twelve bucks.
Loki: May it never be said that your anal-retentive attention to detail never yielded positive results.
Bartleby: You can't be anal retentive if you don't have an anus!
Rufus, the 13th Apostle: You are the great great great GREAT great grand-niece of Jesus Christ.
Jay: So that would make Bethany... part black.
Liz: He said that faith is like a glass of water. When you're young, the glass is small, and it's easy to fill up. But the older you get, the bigger the glass gets, and the same amount of liquid doesn't fill it anymore. Periodically, the glass has to be refilled.
Bethany: You're suggesting I need to get filled?
Liz: In more ways than one.
Jay: Guys like us don't just fall out of the sky, you know! [Rufus falls naked out of the sky.] Beautiful naked big tittie women don't just fall out of the sky, you know! [nothing] Worth a try.
Rufus: If you don't pipe down, I'm going to yank your sack off like a paper towel.
Rufus: White folks only want to hear the good shit: life eternal, a place in God's Heaven. But as soon as they hear they're getting this good shit from a black Jesus, they freak. And that, my friends, is called hypocrisy. A black man can steal your stereo, but he can't be your Savior.
Rufus:We were sent by Him who is called I Am!
Cardinal Glick: Cute.
Rufus: Worked for Moses.
Gun Salesman: We call this piece the Fecalator. One look at it and the target shits him or herself. Try it on.
Loki: Well, it's a lot more compact than the flaming sword, but it's not nearly as impressive. Just doesn't have that wrath-of-the-Almighty edge to it. I mean, come on, how am I supposed to strike fear into the hearts of the wicked with this thing? Look at this...
Bartleby: Well, then, you know, don't use a gun. Just lay the place to waste, like.
Loki: Easy for you to say. You get off light in razing. You got to stand there and read at Sodom and Gamorreh, I had to do all the work.
Bartleby: What work did you do? You lit a few fires!
Loki: I rained down sulphur, man, there's a subtle difference.
Bartleby: Oh, yeah, I'm sure.
Loki: You know, fuck you, man, any moron with a pack of matches can start a fire. Raining down sulphur is like an endurance trial. Mass genocide is the most exhausting practice one can engage in. Next to soccer.
Broodie: My grandmother always said, "Why buy the cow...when you get the sex for free."
Clerks: My love for you is ticking clock, Berserker! Would you like to suck my cock? Berserker!
Clerks: There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?
Randel: This job would be great if it wasn't for the fucking customers.
Brodie: You fuckers think just because a guy reads comics he can't start some shit!?
Brodie: One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck in his ass. True story. He bought it at the local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarassing for my relatives and all. But the next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with a trip to the emergency room. Then, last week, I saw him in the pet store. He was buying another cat! I said, "Walt, what the hell are you doing, you know you're just gonna get this cat stuck up your ass too, why don't you knock it off?" And he says to me, "Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?" My cousin was a weird guy
Hooper: Check this shit. You got cracker farm boy Luke Skywalker, Nazi poster boy, blond hair, blue eyes. And then you got Darth Vader, the blackest brother in the galaxy, Nubian god!
Banky: What's a Nubian?
Banky: I feel a hate crime coming on
Hooper: See that man over there? He the Devil! Never take your eye off the man.
Brodie: Do you think Mr. Fantastic can stretch his dinky also? And do you think The Thing is hard all over? I mean really all over.