| Weekly Journal Updates on My Life (Week 17 November 2003) Life has been good lately. I'm happy at my new workplace, I'm in love with a new guy (okay, so I don't know if this gonna go anywhere but hell!) and I'm surrounded with great friends :) I got a situation here, I'm involve in a love triangle. It's funny, a really good friend of mine, Mel, have a crush on this one guy called Edmund apparently, he told his friends that he has weakness for me. I'm flattered and all but it really cause a strain in my relationship with Mel. It just funny that I caught myself feeling something for him too. We weren't the best people getting along but I just started to realise the niceness in him. I'm in trouble... I'm getting off work soon so till then we will catch up on the rest! |
| Weekly Journal Updates on My Life (Week 24 November 2003) Am I a mean person? How do you know when you do not love someone anymore? Why do people stay with someone they don't love? I gotta know a guy from California, Fred. I'm not sure of my feelings for him. I'm treat him badly but I won't say that I take him for granted or things like that. I was trying to push him away and I finally did it. I'm not sure of why I did it. Am I myself a commitment phobic? Maybe I was not ready to commit to a real relationship but why don't I just let it go? I can't explain my actions. But one thing I do know is I hate who I am to him. Am I afraid to leave becos I'm afraid of hurting people? Life is simply complicated, even I myself do not have answers for myself. What is love anyway? Why do girls stay in relationship that does not work? Maybe the answer is simply, we are just too afraid to be alone and unlove. |
| Weekly Journal Updates on My Life (Week 30 December 2003) Jeez, the year is coming to an end but again I don't feel like I have a fufilling year. Well at least I can say that I didn't change as many jobs as my previous year. Maybe I'm finally growing up and learning to take resposibility for my actions. This year has been a tiring year for me. I have been working 2 jobs just to ensure that I have enough to sustain my family. Sometimes my parents think that I have alot of money and I spent on unecessary things but they don't know that I work very hard sacrifice alot of time that should be spent cultivating relationships just so that we can have a better life. I am very happy today, I have reach my targetted revenue for my company and I will be receiving a big incentive. Finally I succeeded in something in my life. A few months ago I gotta know a guy whom I can really get along with. I enjoy his company and I'm happy went I'm around him. Question: Can a girl and a guy remain friends? I wanted him as my friend, initially. Then I start to feel attracted to him. He's smart and he dares to challenge me. I never thought that I will like a guy who stood up to me but that precisely what draws me to him. Well, I guess girls are feel secure with weak guys but it's the strong guys that they will die for. |
| Weekly Journal Updates on My Life (Week 4 January 2004) Welcome to a New Year. It has been a rough end of year for me. Firstly, I got myself a California stalker who refuse to leave me alone, my boyfriend who left me, a new guy whom I kinda like but can do nothing abt, sister who got conned by her ex and household bills that can't be paid up cos we are short of cash. So if you dare to wish me Happy New Year, I will kill you ;-) I met a gorgeous guy, Eric from Beverly Hills, LA. We spend New Year's Eve together. I can't hyperlink his name as I don't have a photograph of him. Having dated below avearge guys for so long, I could never believe that someone like him will fancy someone like me. I guess your self-esteem just take a plunge and you start to believe that you don't deserve anyting better. It's great to know that he likes me but there's nothing much we can do as he's still young (27) and he set plan to go into real estate with his Pop. He wants to explore something more with me, it makes me happy to know he feels that way but I know deep inside that nothing would work out. I'm just happy to meet him and have what we have now. If one day we end up togt then it's great. If not, I'm satisfied just to have him with me now...Can long distance love last? I never believe so... |
| Week 13 January 2004 Okay it has been 11 days since I start going out with Eric. Sometimes I don't believe all this is happening to me. I'm feeling like the luckiest gal on earth... Why do people still take the risk that they may fall in love when they know that the person is not here to stay? Eric and I have been spending alot of good times together, yeah, sometimes he pissed me off but I try to accept that this is the person he is and he knows that certain things upsets me, and make a point not to aggrevate me again. Cos things seem so good now, it scares me. Sometimes, I tell myself that I don't wanna see him again cos I know that in a few months time he is gonna leave and I will never get to see him ever again. But yet I can't pull myself out, maybe because I do wanna fall in love. I have never been in love with anyone for so long that I don't even know what it feels like anymore. He makes me feel alive. I admit he can be kinda controlling but I think it's good for me. He makes me wanna be a better person. I take more care about the way I look and he brings out the good side of me. That's what is important. I hardly lose my temper even if I am pissed. I stay calm and wait for myself to cool before saying anything. I think of what I have to say before I put it out so I won't end up hurting his feelings. I like who I am with him and I hope in the future when someone else comes into my life, he would make me feel exactly like what Eric makes me feel...Feel the want to become someone better. |
| Week 19 January 2004 I haven't been feeling that good. I'm starting to have real feelings for Eric. I know it means bad news. On Thursday, he kinda got mad at me for telling my friends that he was going BKK. God, when I saw that coming I was ready to back out. I just step back and ready to turn away and never see him again. This is so me, running away from problems all the time. When something bad hits me, I'm ready to pack and leave. I guess he saw my reaction and he pulled me back. He asked why I'm moving away, and hell, I don't know why. Natural instinct? I'm a self confessed commitment phobic, is that why CP people break away from people they love all the time? 'Cos we know we are almost there, so wham!! we run for life. Or maybe I run because I know, this is so perfect and I know it's not gonna be there. I try to make it not so perfect by creating opportunities to get angry and upset just so to prove to myself that it's not that great afterall. I've been through all this and I don't wanna go through it again. I know I have to if I wanna find what I really want. Like the way, I really love Kaleo so much that I conveneintly fuck everything up so it will all just end and I won't love anymore. I have decided, after Tuesday, I'm not gonna see Eric no more. I shall runaway again... |
| Journal of Nicole's Life Part 1 |
