June 21, 2005
Seeing the Light
There is a new Ed Powell. My former self no longer exists. This is the most difficult decision of my life. My family will likely disown me. The grief of my own sainted mother will no doubt take years off her life. But I can live a lie no longer. Some folks deny an experience such as mine by saying they were just "experimenting". Or they were drunk and didn’t know what they were doing. But I have to be honest with myself if not with others. I now live an alternative lifestyle. I have become a liberal.
How could this have happened? I’ve never had such inclinations before. Sure, as a young man I hung around with a few liberals. Some of my best friends were liberals. I admit I thought about some of their ideas when I was alone. But I swear I never did anything about it. I laughed at liberal jokes just like all the other guys. But deep inside I kind of wondered if the lefties weren’t right about, you know, some things.
As the years went by I became both white and a Christian. I listened to hate radio. Rush Limbaugh told me what to think and I had no choice but to think it. Like the voice of Medusa he turned my brain to mush. My hatred of non-whites and non-Christians was all consuming. I bought guns without background checks. I wished the elderly ill. I didn’t do enough for the poor. I disenfranchised a voter. I left a child behind. I advocated tax cuts for the rich. I knew I had hit rock bottom when I had my kids selling Enron stock from their lemonade stand.
Then I read a Michael Moore book. I flew through a long tunnel toward a bright light. Upon arrival I realized the light was emanating from a giant glowing FDR sitting in a giant golden wheelchair. "Hey buddy" he said in a giant, but not unfriendly, voice. "You don’t have a cigarette on you do you? All these modern liberals up here make it tough for a fella to have a smoke." When I replied in the negative he frowned and was silent for some time. I could not tell how long. For this was celestial time and not the 24 hour in a day kind you and I are used to. Then he spoke again. "Go back. Your work on earth is not through."
I went through the long tunnel again. But because I was going back to earth I was feet first this time and collided with several other souls going toward heaven. The tunnel was a little crowded because of the republicans outlawing health care and the added traffic from all the dead terrorists once I got this side of the 72 virgin exit. I must admit there were some hard feelings. I wish I had a nickel for every time I heard someone shout "hey ass-hole" or "watch where you’re going."
Arriving back on earth, far from feeling I’m just on a cigarette run for FDR, I believe I have a higher purpose. My work is not done. I now believe God wants me to be a democrat and advocate progressive causes regardless of their merit. It’s the right thing to do.
Since I’ve come to grips with my new orientation I am much more at peace with myself. No more studying history, no more trying to understand complex concepts. All that’s required of me is to memorize and repeat a few lines. Some of which aren’t even complete sentences! The key phrases are, ‘Bush lied’ and ‘where are the WMDs?’. And ‘blood for oil’. Or ‘Halliburton’. Hell, I don’t even know what Halliburton did wrong. But the really great thing is it doesn’t matter! As long as we say it with great fervor.
In short, serving as a liberal takes a lot less time. No more pesky research. I use the freed up hours to hang out at the pool, local watering holes, etc. Plus I watch more CBS news (keeps me from backsliding). I’ll keep you posted on how this new life is working out for me.
- Ed Powell