March 5, 2005
The Basics of Sci-Fi
I’ve been watching a lot of science fiction lately. And it suddenly occurred to me, most people have little to no idea what to do when confronting huge monsters, space aliens or supernatural phenomena. This should be remedied since there’s no telling when you’ll be called upon to rescue a crew lost deep in space or maybe stumble across a ghost ship in the Bermuda Triangle. Or you might discover a giant squid or shark in the ocean beside your house. Even if it’s only as mundane finding a direct portal to hell in your basement you need to know. I’ve compiled this guidebook to help you with proper etiquette. Think of me as your Miss Manners of science fiction.
The first rule of thumb when confronting danger is to spread your resources as thin as possible. Let’s say members of your team are getting killed one by one whenever they wander away from the group. Ordinary folks might assume there’s safety in numbers. Someone might even say "don’t split up". Then you should begin splitting up immediately. Now I know you’re probably asking why anyone would do something so apparently foolish. The answer is not intuitive and that’s why you need me to tell you what to do. We all know that in movies only one or two people are going to survive to the end of the show anyway so why expose everyone to risk at the same time? Trust me, it’s going to take the monster longer to hunt down and kill everyone individually. So the further you are from other people the more likely you’ll live.
Next, never look behind you. I know this sounds counterproductive but let’s think this through. Whatever is stalking you is lightning quick and has superhuman strength. You stand no chance against it. If it’s got you in it’s sights you will die. It’s been lying dormant for years, maybe even centuries. It needs to limber up a little bit before hitting full frenzy mode. Plus it’s probably bored stiff. Why not do the decent thing and let it savor the first kill or two at least? What extra skin is it off your back if you concentrate on fixing the broken control panel or shine your flashlight into the darkness asking "who’s there?" for an extra five minutes before you die?
If you’re a woman, take a shower or go swimming. This will attract monsters every time, thus keeping them near you and away from other potential victims, ultimately saving lives. And if you’re good looking enough chances are the hero is nearby and can save you. After a good scare of course. A lot of people don’t know this, but statistically the more skin you’re showing the greater your odds of survival. So ladies, you have my recommendation.
You may, on occasion, be called upon to blow up the ship to save the rest of humanity. It’s less rare than you might think so you need to know there are two possibilities and how to handle both. If you’re battling some sort of beast or alien you’ll probably be using a self destruct timing device which will give you a chance to make a dash to safety. Now here’s a handy tip: much like the end of a ball game when there are only a few seconds on the clock doesn’t really mean the game’s ending in that number of seconds. Explosive timers always slow way down before detonating. Five seconds can last for what seems like forever. So you’ve got plenty of time to go back for stuff, get stuck in the hatch that’s closing, etc. Your fate will be a bit grimmer if the evil entity speaks English. In that case you’ll be using a remote control where you actually have to be there to press the button. This means you’ll die. Even worse, from a manners standpoint be advised you’re obligated to talk to the creature and let it knock the remote control away from you. This will be followed by a severe beating after which you can then press the button and end your misery. How long should you let the thing beat the hell out of you before regaining the remote? Well, nobody expects you to be Bruce Willis but try to last as long as you can. Three to five minutes is about normal.
There’s lot’s more to learn but just this much should get you through the things that will most likely happen to you. Good luck. Glad I could help.
- Ed Powell