August 28, 2004
The Politician’s Playbook
I can see the future.
Not the whole future of course. I can’t tell you what the winning lottery numbers going to be or who’s going to win the World Series. I can’t tell you when you’re going to die or even if the suns going to come up tomorrow. But in politics I can see the future. And it ain’t even all that hard.
Once you understand politicians run a standard set of "plays" it’s easy. Comically easy. In fact rare is the politician who has the courage to step out of the norm. Sure men like Bill Clinton "I don’t know what ‘is’ is" or John Kerry "I voted for before I voted against" come along but those are men of rare courage. From mere mortal politicians come a surprising small number of plays. But even this small number can confuse, misinform and lie to potential voters enough to get just about anybody elected.
I started to title this "The Democrat Playbook" but in fairness politicians of all stripes employ most or all of the same tactics. Although over an ale or two I would probably pound my fist on the table and insist Democrats employ them far better and more often than anyone else. If Democrats ran a football team there would be no jumping off sides or mismanagement of the clock or any of the other silly mistakes that would plague the Republican team.
This list is not all inclusive.
The "Opponent Option" Accusation
This play gives the candidate multiple options, depending on the specific defensive formation of the enemy campaign
"My opponent is connected to industry" - If your opponent has ever held a real job chances are he continues to associate with known non government operatives. Use this as a bludgeon to insinuate some sort of improper relationship. Just say the name of your opponent. Then say the name of a big company currently suffering from a negative public image while rolling your eyes. Examples: "George Bush, Enron", "Dick Cheney, Halliburton" No proof of wrongdoing is required.
"My opponent doesn’t care" - It’s a big world, so fortunately chances are something will go wrong somewhere most days. It is vital voters be informed how your opponent is not only personally responsible, but let it happen through callous indifference. And that maybe he’s even glad the bad thing happened because it happened to the very people he doesn’t like.
"My opponent says" - When mocking your opponent it’s important to misrepresent what he said to your advantage. Keep repeating what you say he said and, as if by magic, it becomes true! Always keep this in mind: it’s not what he said, but what people think he said. And you have a considerable degree of control over what people think he said. Use it.
"My opponent is divisive" - The implication is everybody would think alike and agree on everything and bravely meet an unlimited future all facing the same direction if only your opponent would stop going around dividing us. Now any thinking person would realize two hundred some odd million people can’t even agree such direction the sun comes up let alone agree on the complexities of deeply held beliefs. But your good luck is that voters aren’t thinking people. So call your opponent divisive and watch those chads get pregnant by the bushel.
The Unreasonable Demand
Demand your opponent do something, or reveal something, no one in their right mind would ever even consider. When they inevitably refuse, allege they have something to hide. Every time they refuse to do what you demand they’re losing public credibility and you’re gaining it.
The Unreasonable Demand Defense
But what happens on the rare occasion your opponent actually calls your bluff? What if he can even produce indisputable evidence that your charge is false and public opinion could tilt in his favor? Pretty scary, right?. Not to worry. Just criticize the timing of your opponents action. Or his motivation. Or even better, both! Example: "Yes I agree we should be bringing our soldiers home but this is not the time and this is not the way!" Remember to yell even louder on the word "this".
The "America Was Founded On" Quick Snap
Often politics dictate building your house on sandy ground. In these cases the quick snap may catch voters napping. Just say "America was built on _____________" and quickly continue with your speech. The secret is not to pause after saying "America was built on". Confidence is key. And don’t be afraid to say America was built on any ridiculous premise you can dream up. The right to healthcare, the right to have a job, the right to a smoke free environment, the right to not be offended. The list goes on and on. It doesn’t matter. No one’s going to call your bluff because few people have any clue what America was built on. If your sound bite is good there is every reason to count on most folks buying it.
The Reverse
Sometimes it’s tough to come up with legitimate criticism of your opponent. In that case illegitimate criticism should be employed. And the further from the truth the more it surprises the defense. This should be employed especially frequently against the (admittedly rare) honorable opponent. Remarkably, no matter how many times you run it those types just never see it coming.
Does your opponent sometimes tell the truth? Accuse him of being a serial liar. Every time he opens his mouth accuse him of "lying because he’s a liar". Persistence is essential.
Is he a decent man? Accuse him of indecency. Now you have to be careful here. Regrettably, it’s hard to accuse a person of indecency without some amount of proof. So what you want to do is attack his policies. Equate his policies with indecency.
Is he a gentle man? Once again, equate his policies as violent. Try to use the violent terms to attack his policies. Say things like "he raped the environment" or "he raped the economy".
Is he strong on defense? Accuse him of doing nothing against enemies. And for every action he can point to you’ll have had time to think of two things he didn’t do.
Name Calling
Childish? "Not at all" say winning campaign managers. "Bottom line. It works." Candidates, especially those with few qualifications, have limited budgets and get the most bang for their buck by this age old technique. It should be one of your bread and butter plays. If at least twenty percent of your game plan is not good old fashioned name calling you should question how serious you are about winning.
The Race Card
Using the race card is as essential as running wind sprints. Any long term success depends on doing it over and over. Hammer it long. Hammer it Hard. Shameful? Are you trying to win an election or teach a Sunday School class?
Class Warfare
Similar to The Race Card but with a wider angle of attack. The slight of hand in this play is that you can’t prove or disprove how anyone feels about anyone. And once accused, most people look guilty, especially the more they deny it. Make sure voters are aware your opponent hates old people, minorities, foreigners, etc. Anyone will do.
Tax Cuts for the Rich
The reason rich people are taxed is that poor people don’t have any money. Any tax cut must involve rich people because they’re the ones being fleeced the most. But fortunately most voters don’t understand this. You can use this to your advantage in garnering support for any ill advised tax scheme you need to support.
The Implied Physical Action Pass
Move - You can’t move America too often or far enough. You’d think at least some voters from some part of the political spectrum would eventually ask exactly what this phrase means. But no one ever does. Move America forward and move your career forward.
Stand - Stand up, stand out, stand for, stand against. But stand.
Rise - Once in a while you’ll see a politician rise "against" something. But that’s really more old school. Nowadays rising "up" is the popular technique. Similar to "standing up", the difference being, standing up is done as a candidate. Rising up can only be done "as a people". The advantage of rising up it that it gives you a bigger wall of blockers.
Walk - Walk toward. Walk away from. Or, walk hand in hand. Take your pick.
Gaze - Gaze into, gaze upon, gaze toward, etc. There are brand new or brave tomorrows, horizons, frontiers, worlds, universes, etc. Gaze toward at least one. Better yet if we can do it "together" or "as a people"
Sit - Refuse to "sit by" or "sit around" while nothing is done.
Lift - Everyone remembers falling down as a child. We wanted someone to lift us up. So do a lot of lifting.
Reach - Reach out. Makes you look like a nice fellow.
Screen Pass
When blitzing linebackers are breathing down your neck and ready to break every bone in your political body you simply say "Americans are ready to move on.". The looks on opposition faces when they see the proverbial football fluttering just over their finger tips are priceless.
The Big Lie
Everyone knows lying is just good fundamentals and should, to a large degree, be a part of every play. But the Big Lie, that’s throwing the ball long. If you’re going to take the risk, make sure you throw your lie far enough only your guys can benefit. Heave it beyond all facts and logic. If part of your lie can be judged by facts pretty soon voters will start interpreting the lie on a concrete rather than abstract basis. Nothing good will likely come from that.
The "Invest In America" Bootleg
Whether it be funding a senseless new boondoggle or just plain pissing the money down a hole, nothing compares to the thrill of spending other people’s money. Occasionally though, you’ll encounter resistance from greedy taxpayers. How do you get them to loosen the grip on their wallets? Easy. Just make sure instead of increasing spending, "invest in America". Americans like investments. And why shouldn’t they? An investment yields a return. Urge investing in America and taxpayer objections will disappear almost as fast as the dollars out of their wallet.
The "May Have" Hail Mary
You ever wonder why teams don’t take one last shot at the end zone right before half time? Why not throw the ball long and see what happens? Sure it probably won’t work but it don’t cost nuthin extra. The beauty of the "may have" hail Mary is it doesn’t require any evidence. "My opponent may have done this" or "He may not have done that." It’s difficult for defenses to consistently stop this play because it’s hard to anticipate where the threat might materialize.
The Huff n’ Puff
In the age of sound bites Huffing and Puffing has become popular. The "Huff n’ Puff" involves simply becoming indignant in the press without articulating exactly why. Yelling and using words that rhyme makes this flamboyant play a fan favorite.
The "Accept Responsibility" Shunt
Sooner or later all politicians get caught with their hand in the cookie jar. One good play to run in this case is the Accept Responsibility Shunt. With it, you position yourself so your opponent has nowhere to go but out of bounds. Here’s how it works. Piously announce you accept all responsibility for your actions. Most voters will confuse accepting responsibility with an apology and sympathize with you. If your opponent criticizes you again all you have to say is "I’ve already accepted responsibility." If he continues to criticize, voters will perceive him as bullying you. Caution: do not run this play if you really do plan to accept responsibility. In those rare cases where politicians are sincerely humbled it has been adequately demonstrated they can’t project enough self righteousness and piety to successfully complete this play.
The "Said I’m Sorry" Shuffle
There’s no faster way to wipe voter memories clean than saying you’re sorry. Once having done that you will no longer be held accountable. Only the mean spirited will continue to condemn your actions. Option B of this play doesn’t even utilize an actual apology. Just say you said you’re sorry. This option was pioneered with devastating effectiveness by Bill Clinton though most of the nineties.
The Private Life Shift
Let’s face it. Sooner or later most kids will experiment with intoxicating substances. Yours are no exception. Sure it’s clear as the nose on your face that ordinary people’s children should be jailed for their own good. But how do you convince the average voter your kids should get special treatment? Easy. Appeal to their compassion. Just tell the press you’d appreciate respect for the privacy of the family in this difficult and trying time. You’d be surprised how fast your critics melt back into the woodwork.
The Jewish Reverse
You’re going to have to take a position on the Jews from time to time. Just keep in mind it doesn’t always have to be the same position. This is a slippery slope. Current wisdom says if you don’t want to look like a racist support the Jews in any conflict with the Christians, but support the Arabs against the Jews.
Invent/Revise History
You’re not the only one who slept through history class. Few people recognize what’s happening today, let alone yesterday. Just make up something.
The Triple Option Speech
To win enough electoral votes you’ve got to carry some states in fly over country. There are only three kinds of voters in fly over country, poor farmers, union workers and grade school teachers. Get them to identify with you. Talk about growing up poor, life on the farm or how your daddy was a union man. None of it true? These are a simple and backwards people. You’ll find they like pretend stories just as much, if not more, than real ones. Don’t worry about being condescending. None of these rubes will catch on.
Ed Powell