March 26, 2004
Bush Space Leap Questionable
From The News Agency, The People That Bring You The News
At 10:14 eastern time this morning George W. Bush leaped more than a hundred thousand miles into outer space and using his super human strength, diverted an asteroid which would have destroyed human life on earth forever. Reactions were mixed.
Rival candidate Senator John Kerry was cautious in his assessment. "I don’t know what his motivations are at this point. We’ve got a war on terror, forty million people without health insurance and the worst economy in the last fifty years. Does George Bush really have time to go around chasing comets?" said Kerry. "What you have to ask yourself is should you vote for a president who’s seen actual battle against human enemies or a frat boy who spends his time in outer space?"
Bill Clinton "I tried to tell George Bush that sooner or later collision with an asteroid was inevitable but he just didn’t seem concerned. I think he had other priorities."
Press releases went out on the wire almost immediately after Bush returned to earth. Environmentally friendly group Greenpeace issued this statement "We condemn this action. There is every reason to believe microbes, insects and possibly even some small animals would have survived an impact event." The Libertarian Party stated "George Bush says this will not cost the taxpayer one dime. When have we heard that song and dance before? Better keep your hand on your wallet." Feminists weighed in with "George Bush has single handedly preserved the most oppressive male dominated society in history. No one has ever set back the cause of women more than this."
Bush, who long has a habit of acting unilaterally, insisted intervening with the heavenly body’s path was appropriate.
As concerns mount some are calling for Congressional hearings. Senator Bob Kerry was adamant. "George Bush needs to come clean with people. What was that asteroid doing up there in the first place? When did he first know about it? Why didn’t he tell us? The American people have a right to the answers to those questions."
- T.N.A.