THE NIGHT BEFORE Y2K
Twas the night before Y2K, And all through the nation
We awaited The Bug, The Millennium sensation.
The chips were replaced In computers with care,
In hopes that ol' Bugsy Wouldn't stop there.
While some folks could think They were snug in their beds
Others had visions Of dread in their heads.
And Ma with her PC, And I with my Mac
Had just logged on the Net And kicked back with a snack.
When over the server, There arose such a clatter
I called Mister Gates To see what was the matter.
But he was away, So I flew like a flash
Off to my bank To withdraw all my cash.
When what with my wandering eyes Should I see?
My good old Mac Looked sick to me.
The hack of all hackers Was looking so smug,
I knew that it must be The Y2K Bug!
His image downloaded In no time at all,
He whistled and shouted, Let all systems fall!
Go Intel! Go Gateway! Now HP! Big Blue!
Everything Compaq, And Pentium too!
All processors big, All processors small,
Crash away! Crash away! Crash away all!
All the controls That planes need for their flights
All microwaves, trains And all traffic lights.
As I drew in my breath And was turning around,
Out through the modem, He came with a bound.
He was covered with fur, And slung on his back
Was a sackful of virus, Set for attack.
His eyes-how they twinkled! His dimples-how merry!
As midnight approached, though Things soon became scary.
He had a broad little face And a round little belly,
And his sack filled with virus Quivered like jelly.
He was chubby and plump, Perpetually grinning,
And I laughed when I saw him Though my hard drive stopped spinning.
A wink of his eye, And a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know A new feeling of dread.
He spoke not a word, But went straight to his work,
He changed all the clocks, Then turned with a jerk.
With a twitch of his nose, And a quick little wink,
All things electronic Soon went on the blink.
He zoomed from my system, To the next folks on line,
He caused such a disruption, Could this be a sign?
Then I heard him exclaim, With a loud, hearty cry,
Happy Y2K to all, Kiss your PCs goodbye!

(From AmandaF.)

THE WEEK AFTER CHRISTMAS
T'was the week after Christmas and all through the house
Not one PC was working, not even a mouse.
I turned on the power, but nothing was working.
I grab the computer and start banging and jerking.
I laid out three grand for this big piece of junk.
On January 1st the damn thing went "kerplunk"!
When I threw it out the window, it made such a clatter
My neighbour just called to see what was the matter
I turned on the T.V., the cable is down.
My microwave oven is making wierd sounds.
My new VCR is as dead as a rock
Not one light is blinking, not even the clock.
It's twenty below, the peak of snow season
The furnace won't work, the pipes are all freezing
This couldn't have happened at a worse time
I think I have frostbite on my behind.
I laughed for a second and thought it was all funny
Then I receivea a call from my bank in regards to my money.
"We managed your pensiion and savings with care
But for some odd reason, your money's not there.
We were Y2K ready, we'd thought we'd be heroes
But regret to inform you your balance is...zero"!
I drop the receiver to the bathroom I rush
I push down the handle , the toilet won't flush.
I turnred on the faucet, not one drop hits the sink
I head out the door to the pup for a drink.
I jump in the car, turn the key in the switch
It only goes "click", I scream, "Son of a bitch!"
A computerized ignition has just sealed my fate
Not set up for the "2000" date.
I twitch like a madman, this cannot be true
No car, heat or money, what the hell can I do.
Shouting obscenities as I ran out of sight
Happy Y2K to all, It's been one hell of a Night!

(From DianeL.)

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS OR A VISIT FROM "Q"

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the ship
Not a circuit was buzzing, not one micro chip;
The phasers were hung in the armoury securely,
In hope that no alien would get up that early.
The crewmen were nestled all snug in their bunks
(Except for the few who were partying drunks);
And Picard in his nightshirt, and Bev in her lace,
Had just settled down for a neat face to face...
When out in the hall there arose such a racket,
That we leapt from our beds, pulling on pant and jacket.
Away to the lifts we all shot like a gun,
Leapt into the cars and yelled loudly "Deck One!"
The bridge red-alert lights, which flashed through the din,
Gave a lustre of Hades to objects within.
When, what on the view screen, our eyes should behold,
But a weird kind of sleigh, and some guy who looked old.
But the glint in his eyes was so strange and askew,
That we knew in a moment it had to be Q.
His sleigh grew much larger as closer he came.
Then he zapped on the bridge and addressed us by name:
"It's Riker, it's Data, it's Worf and Jean-Luc!
It's Geordi, and Wesley, the genetic fluke!
To the top of the bridge, to the top of the hall!
Now float away! Float away! Float away all!"
As leaves in the autumn are whisked off the street,
So the floor of the bridge came away from our feet,
And up to the ceiling, our bodies they flew,
As the captain called out, "What the Hell is this, Q?!"
The prankster just laughed and expanded his grin,
And, snapping his fingers, he vanished again.
As we took in our plight, and were looking around,
The spell was removed, and we crashed to the ground.
Then Q, dressed in fur from his head to his toe,
Appeared once again, to continue the show.
"That's enough!" cried the captain, "You'll stop this at once!"
And Riker said, "Worf, take aim at this dunce!"
"I'm deeply offended, Jean-Luc" replied Q,
"I just wanted to celebrate Christmas with you."
As we scoffed at his words, he produced a large sack.
He dumped out the contents and took a step back.
"I've brought gifts," he said, "just to show I'm sincere.
There's something delightful for everyone here."
He sat on the floor, and dug into his pile,
And handed out gifts with his most charming smile:
"For Counsellor Troi, there's no need to explain.
Here's Tylenol-Beta for all of your pain.
For Worf I've some mints, as his breath's not too great,
And for Geordi LaForge, an inflatable date."
For Wesley, some hormones, and Clearasil-plus;
For Data, a joke book, for Riker a truss.
For Beverly Crusher, there's sleek lingerie,
And for Jean-Luc, the thrill of just seeing her that way."
And he sprang to his feet with that grin on his face
And, clapping his hands, disappeared into space.
But we heard him exclaim as he dwindled from sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good flight!"

(From DanW.)

THE NIGHT BEFORE A REDNECK CHRISTMAS

It was the night before Christmas,and all through the trailer park,
not a pop-top was poppin', not even Ole Blue barked.
Our stockin's was hung over the space heater with care,
in the hopes that Santy would fill 'em with Viennas and beer.
The kids was asleep in their NASCAR pj's,
Dreamin' of Goo Goo Clusters, Moon Pies, and Milkyways.
And Earlene in her curlers and me in my Earnhardt cap,
had just settled into our Lay-Z-Boys for Wheel of Fortune and a nap.
Then out in the vacant lotI heart such a commotion,
I thought it was neighbour Clyde, finally got his T'bird in motion.
I heaved out of my recliner and to the window I flew,
Busted out the screen and hollered to Ole Blue.
The moon was shinin down on my old wrecked cars,
so bright they was sparklin' like rusty old stars.
And I couldn't believe my own hardworkin' eyes,
when a jacked-up Chevy pickup come flyin' through the sky!
Faster'n Ole Ironhead his possums they came,
and he whooped and hollered and called 'em by name:
"Git up Sooner! Hi Duke! Move yer tails Yaller and Spud!
On Blackie! On Queenie! You mind me Duchess and Bud!"
"To the top of the satellite dish!
To the top of the shed!
Now move it n' Step on it!
Ya'll get out the lead!"
You know how on our old road whenev'r a car goes by,
there's all this dirt that flys up into the sky?
That's how this crew went straight on up to my roof,
with that pickup full of toys,
a real nice gun rack, and Redneck Santa too.
Then 'fore I could pop my teeth in
I heerd up on the tin,
the scrabbling around of them flying possums of his'n.
I yanked my head back in the trailer and hitched up my shorts,
Down the dryer vent Redneck Santa came with a grunt and a snort!
He was dressed in red and green camo from his neck to his feet,
and I had to give him credit he still had most of his teeth.
Looked like stuff from Earlene's yard sale slung on his back,
There was fly swatters an' Tupperware, an' 8-tracks stickin' out of his pack.
When he winked his eye I knew fer sure he'd treat us right,
why, he just might even leave me some ammo tonight!
stood there dreamin' of a whitetail while I watched him work,
then he stopped and like a real man, let out a fart and a burp.
He topped off our stockin's with Moon Pies and bottle rockets,
then squoze up that dryer vent like Spam in your pocket.
He jumped in his pickup, laid down on the horn,
And I'm not lyin', they took off with their possum tails flyin'.
But I heerd him holler as he headed for the 7-11,
"Merry Christmas to all! And may all rednecks get into heav'n!"

(From DanW.)

THE LAWYER'S NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House")
A general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to, a mouse;
A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House
In the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at some time thereafter;
The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds
And were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein visions of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.
Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes >hereinafter referred to as "I"), being the joint owner in fee simple of the House with the party of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep.
(At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)
Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance.
The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.
At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief,
A miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer.
The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.
Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically indentified the animal co-conspirators by name:
Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen,
Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer").
(Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)
The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House,And noted
that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature.
Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House,
And Claus entered said House via the chimney.
Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit,
Which was partially covered with residue from the chimney,
And he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items.
He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.
Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minors pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.)
Upon completion of such task,
Claus touched the side of his nose
And flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof
Where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts."
Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.
However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House,
The party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim:
"Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect.

Respectfully submitted,

The Grinch, Esquire

(From Mei-LinY.)

THE NET BEFORE CHRISTMAS

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the nets
Not a mousie was stirring, not even the pets.
The floppies were stacked by the modem with care
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The files were nestled all snug in a folder
The screen saver turned on, the weather was colder.
And leaving the keyboard along with my mouse
I turned from the screen to the rest of the house.
When up from the drive there arose such a clatter
I turned to the screen to see what was the matter.
Away to the mouse I flew like a flash,
Zoomed open a window in fear of a crash...
The glow from the screen on the keyboard below
Gave an electronic luster to all my macros.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
But a little sleigh icon with eight tiny reindeer
And a tiny disk driver so SCSI and quick
I knew in a nano it must be Saint Nick.
More rapid than trackballs his cursors they came,
He whistled and shouted and faxed them by name.
"Now Flasher! Now Dasher! Now Raster and Bixel!
On Phosphor! On Photon! On Baudrate and Pixel!
To the top of the stack. To the top of the heap."
Then each little reindeer made a soft beep.
As data that before the wild electrons fly,
When they meet with a node, mount to the drive,
So up to the screentop the cursors they flew
With a sleigh full of disks and databits, too.
And then in a twinkling I heard the high whine
Of a modem connecting at a baud rate so fine.
As I gazed at the screen with a puzzling frown
St. Nicholas logged on though I thought I was down.
He was dressed all in bytes from header to footer
And the words on the screen said "Don't you reboot 'er."
A bundle of bits he had flung on his back
And he looked like a programmer starting his hack.
His eyes how they glazed, his hair was so scary,
His cola was jolt, not flavored with cherry.
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a GIF
And the pixels of his beard sure gave me a lift.
The stump of a routine he held tight in his code
And I knew he had made it past the last node.
Hespoke not a word but looked right at me
And I saw in a flash his file was .SEA.
He self-decompressed and I watched him unfold,
Into a jolly old elf, a sight to behold.
And the whispering sound of my hard drive's head
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He went straight to his work without saying a word
And filled all the folders of this happy nerd.
And 'tis the whole truth, as the story is told,
That giving a nod up the window he scrolled,
He sprang to the serial port as if truly on fire
And away they all flew down the thin copper wire.
But I heard him exclaim as he scrolled out of sight
"Happy Christmas to All, and to all a good night."

(From KimN.)

THE NIGHT BEFORE A NETWORKOLOGIST'S CHRISTMAS

"'Tis the night before Christmas," I thought with a frown.
I was stuck at the office. The network was down.
The routers were hung in the closet. All crashed.
Their tables had holes in their data. All trashed.
Remote distribution, it seems, just for fun,
Had erased DLLs Windows needed to run
On 84 desktops way down in accounting.
I sat stunned at my desk, my blood pressure mounting.
When all of a sudden there arose such a clatter,
I saw that a server had something the matter.
There was smoke coming out of the main hard disk drive.
"No problem," I thought. "I'm set up with RAID 5."
But I found out the system I thought was unstoppable
Had disk drives that turned out completely unswappable!
"No problem," I thought. "I've tape backup to thank."
And then I discovered my backups were blank.
The UPS burped, and its lights all went out.
I started to scream! I started to shout!
But nobody heard as I vented my rage.
My gurus were all on vacation those days.
And nobody's tech support answered the phone.
I was nose deep in trouble, completely alone.
When out at reception, I heard a soft knock.
As the hands just touched midnight on my desktop clock.
"What's your problem?" he asked. "Never mind, friend, I know.
I checked out your network five hours ago.
I did some proactive analysis, so
I knew that this time bomb was going to blow."
Who was this guy? Who did he think he was?
He was dressed in red coveralls, white beard, black gloves.
His eyes had the twinkle of technical genius.
His smile cut down personal distance between us.
He spread out his tools, and went straight to his work.
"Whoever configured this network's a jerk,"
He said with a :-) as he quickly rebooted,
Uploaded some software, and smoothly rerouted
The LAN to a WAN that he quickly supplied
With bandwidth at least 20 gigabits wide
That went via wireless, I think, LEO,
To tech support elves waiting at the North Pole.
"Now bridging, now routing, now Ethernet hubs!"
He chanted as each piece of hardware he rubbed.
"Cheer up, my good friend! Lose that mind set so tragic!
Technology often looks just like some magic
To people who don't understand what we do.
Now a switch, emulation, now middleware glue!
Look at the protocols, check one or two,
Debug a bit, test a bit, presto! We're through!"
My data was back! Every system checked out!
Tears of joy wet my face as I wandered about.
"How can I thank you? You must be Saint Nick!"
He said, "Really, my friend, it's not such a great trick,
If you don't give up hope, focus on what you're doing,
And read all your issues of NETWORK COMPUTING."
And I heard him exclaim, as his reindeer were coursing,
"Merry Christmas to all! And consider outsourcing!"

(From PeterM.)

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS - INTERNET VERSION

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,
There were hacker's a surfing. Geeks? Yeah, you bet.
The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,
While visions of Java danced in their dreams.
My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).
When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,
I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.
To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,
Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!
I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.
When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!
More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,
Then Nick glanced toward my screen, My Mac called them by name:
"Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel;
"On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!
"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!
Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!"
The screen gave a flicker, he was into my RAM,
Then into my room rose a full hologram!
He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,
Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).
He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.
Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!
His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!
This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!
With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,
And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.
He defragged my hard drive, and added a SIMM,
Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!
He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!
He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!
He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,
Then added a screen saver with a red clucking chicken!
My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,
As he added the latest version of Netscape.
The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,
St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.
Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,
Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!
He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,
Back into the net with barely a blink.
But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,
"Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"

(From DanW.)