SPECIAL CHRISTMAS NOTE FROM MOTHER

Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,

Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.

Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me, we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?

Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don't you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year. Give my love to my darling grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is -- the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.

Merry Christmas.

Love, Mom

(From ManonR.)

12 DAYS OF COMPUTER CHRISTMAS

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
My computer gave to me:
Twelve blown-out circuits
Eleven damaged diskettes
Ten disk-drive lockouts
Nine burnt-out fuses
Eight worthless printouts
Seven system resets
Six I/O spasms
Five blank cassettes
Four garbled saves
Three loose plugs
Two key bounces
And a glitch on the video screen.

CHRISTMAS WILL SOON BE HERE

With the thought that Christmas will soon be here, the husband decides to spruce up the bathroom for visitors, including painting the toilet seat. The wife, unfortunately, sits on the fresh paint before it dries and gets stuck to the seat.

After several embarrassing attempts to get her free, the husband unbolts the seat and takes her to the emergency room. As the ER doctor starts to work the husband remarks nervously "Bet you've never seen anything like that before!"

The doctor shrugs. "Plenty of times, actually, but usually not framed like this."

CHRISTMAS GIFT

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied. "But where in the heck was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"

CHRISTMAS SIGNS IN STORES

Toy Store: "Ho, ho, ho spoken here."

Bridal boutique: "Marry Christmas."

Outside a church: "The original Christmas Club."

At a department store: "Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in and mangle with the crowd."

A Texas jeweler store: "Diamond tiaras -- $70,000. Three for $200,000.

A reducing salon: "24 Shaping Days until Christmas."

In a stationery store: "For the man who has everything... a calendar to remind him when payments are due."

VIOLENT NIGHT (TO THE TUNE OF "SILENT NIGHT")

Silent Mac, broken Mac!
System bombed, screen went black.
Books suggested things; I tried 'em all:
Shift key, desktop file, clean reinstall.
Now my deadline is tight,
This Mac's been silent all night.

Violent night, horrible night!
Lost my cool, filled with spite,
Threw my Mac through the balcony door
Watched it fall from the 20th floor,
Now I'm sleeping in peace;
Thank God I had it on lease.

WHY A CHRISTMAS TREE IS BETTER THAN A MAN

A Christmas tree is always erect.

Even small ones give satisfaction.

A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.

It looks good - even with the lights on.

A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.

A Christmas tree has cute balls.

You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past it's sell by date.

You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.

A PRIEST AND A CHRISTMAS TREE?

Q. What does a priest and a Christmas tree have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.

CHILDREN'S CHRISTMAS CAROLS

Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly

We three kings of porridge and tar

On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me

Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.

He's makin' a list, chicken and rice.

Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.

With the jelly toast proclaim

Olive, the other reindeer.

Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say

Sleep in heavenly peas

In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown

You'll go down in listerine

Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay

O come, froggy faithful

You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require"

Good tidings we bring to you and your kid

CHRISTMAS CONFUSION

Every Sunday in church, our minister has a brief "Children's Time" where all of the children sit in a circle, he says a few inspirational words and they go off to Sunday school.

One time in December, he called up the children and was talking about advent.

"So, before we light this candle", he said, "can anyone tell me why we are lighting it?"

A child raised her hand and said, "Because it's the last day of advent?"

"No, that's not it", the minister said, "Does anyone else know?"

All the children were quiet for a moment, then one boy blurted out "Because its Chanukah!"