The month is almost over. I'm almost afraid of what April will bring.

Did I suck all the good luck out of the next few months, to give myself one truly wonderful birthmonth? I hope not.

Though, perhaps, it'd be worth it.

Tonight as I was driving home from work, I turned a bend on 280 at the spot where it overlooks the entire Silicon Valley, and you can see all the vastness of San Jose lit up with spots of soft orange. Hanging just over the horizon, seemingly held up by the trees, was the moon -- waning gibbous -- looking so large it was almost frightening. It was heavy and orange with the city's haze, but it was beautiful. It was all I could do to keep my eyes on the road and not on the sky for the last 10 minutes of my drive.

Life is beautiful. Though, of course, that's easier to believe when life is going well. But still, life is beautiful.

Remind me of all this the next time I'm depressed.

Next adventure: decide who I want as my roommate. Comfortable, dangerous-territory-but-really-not Brian, or nice, doofy Jewish guy from work?

March 26, 2005

I bought a Lotto ticket yesterday. Five quickpicks, in fact.

The way my life has been going this month -- hell, this week -- I might as well. Who knows what will happen?

Some good medicine came into my life. A flash from the past, come to heal my future, so to speak. I know it won't solve everything, but damn it feels nice. I can almost feel the scabs of hurt and remorse and pain and heartbreak falling off, revealing new skin.

Still a little raw in places, so be careful where you touch. But I gleam with renewal.

March 12, 2005

The first week generally can't be used to tell how a new change in your life will affect you a month, a year, a decade from now.

Still, I can't help but have good vibes about my new job. And my "new" life.

I am being trained by a girl (woman now? I suppose ... I still can't think of myself as an adult, much less those of my generation) just my age and with just my tastes. She's a blatant trekkie -- I might have to start watching ST:TNG again. She built her own computer, just like I did. She is a dork, maybe even more so than I am. We get along fabulously.

The other people in the office -- at least, on the evening shift that I'm being trained on before moving to the Graveyard -- are more or less equally as friendly. Some of them I feel like I've known them for months, some I'm still not sure of, but all in all, I feel like I fit in and belong.

Eric was right. I've spent the last couple years searching for the Nexus again. I think, finally, I have found it. It feels nice to be sure of my place in things and feel confident in what I'm doing again.

I sort of wish (lie ... I really DO wish) he were still around for me to share this happiness with. But that pain will pass, like all the others do.

A good birthday present for myself from life. A good reward, perhaps, for surviving the first quarter-century intact.

Today is my birthday, yes. I've been tired all day, and spent most of it just watching television with my mother and going for a walk. Nothing special. I don't think I want special any more. Just a day to myself, to reflect on my life, to enjoy the quiet.

Tomorrow I go out to dinner with friends. Tonight I go out to dinner with family. Thursday the office threw a small party for me. Last night Brian and I went out for a small celebratory dinner. But today, right now, I capture a few moments for myself to be happy I am here, to be happy I am 25.

I hope I can keep hold of this small happiness for a long while.

March 1, 2005

Happy new year.

All the old debris of my life is cleaned out. Emotionally, at least.

Our love is dead, I am free.

And, at last, gainfully employed. Enough to be able to move out and still, I believe, have money left over to pay bills, come up with a social life, and perhaps even start building up my savings again.

Either that or buy a new car. Something.

And I can finally get my teeth cleaned, and get back on the pill. Oh, lordy lordy. This will be a grand time.