I'm not very good at this cleaning and packing thing.

I finally am breaking up the pile of crap in the middle of my room, leftover from when I rearranged my furniture back in ... February? January? .. sometime after Eric and I broke up. I can't put it all neatly away, not yet; I'm still trying to decide what to take with me, and what to leave behind. Sure, it's only 50 miles, but how often do really want to make the round trip? Best to just figure it all out now, shove it into the boxes I bought ($17 for four cardboard boxes and a roll of packing tape ... Office Max is a rip off), and be happy. Or try to be, at least.

I found my little leather-bound notebook, which I used to keep in my purse for note-taking purposes and general fiddling. Reading over some of the passages I wrote -- sometimes poetry, sometimes fiction, sometimes true reflection on my life -- I feel inspired. I need to start keeping a notebook around with me. Or I need to buy a wireless keyboard for my PDA. Something I can use to jot down these moments of inspiration, lest they be lost forever.

Maybe I'll put up some of those passages on here sometime. When my life is boring (moreso than usual) or when I'm at a lack of things to say.

Helping Nick figure out how to win over the girl he is in love with hurts me more than it should. I don't think it's so much that I'm in love with him -- I love him, yes, but he is not the love of my life -- more that he reminds me of what I don't have. I want him to be happy, but doing so in this case makes me miserably aware of my own loneliness and heartache. I thought I would have healed by now. Others, I think, know better than that, but I didn't.

I should be happy by now. I really should. My life is falling into place, stabilizing, for the first time in ... a long time. I love going to work; it's not the most exciting job in the world (at least, not to talk to others about) but when I'm there I'm not miserable, or bored, or wishing I were somewhere else. I don't feel like I'm running in circles and going no where, like I did with Marketing Designs or even Project Sentinel. The time flies and I don't think about the things that make me sad about my life. I can carry that feeling with me home, even, for an hour or two before the hole in my soul makes its gentle reminders of its existence.

I've been having trouble sleeping because of that.

Things will get better with time. But dammit, it's almost May. I want to be sunny and happy again, and I want someone to share that brightness and happiness with on a regular basis. That's what is really missing from my life. Someone to share it with. And someone to make me laugh at myself when I'm being too serious. Like right now.

I wish I hadn't taken you for granted.

April 26, 2005

Things I learned this last weekend:

-- The ex I am currently sleeping with is in love ... with someone else.

-- The ex I am currently sleeping with loves me, but isn't in love with me.

-- I am okay and not okay with the above two points. I don't mean that respectively. I mean that as a whole.

-- Me on my period plus alcohol = emotional wreck.

-- Having a manicure and pedicure done is a bizarre experience. I'm not sure if it's as relaxing as it's supposed to be.

-- When you get your eyebrows waxed, they stick you in a room on a chair somewhat reminiscent of the room and chair where you get body piercings done.

-- Waxing doesn't hurt as much (or for as long) as piercing.

-- I don't like my job much when I don't get enough sleep.

-- I love my job enough to skip my lunch break when I do get enough sleep.

-- When guys hit on me at bars, they will almost always be in their 30s. Doesn't matter that there are more 20-something males in the bar; the ones hitting on me will be the 30-somethings.

-- Watching me crochet makes some people feel comforted for some reason.

Time to get to bed; it's almost 8:30 in the morning. I have to call Brian today about getting our keys, find another PCP for my insurance, and start cleaning/organizing my room. Hard to do all that if I keep sleeping until after 5.

April 20, 2005

Oh, yeah, it's Earth Day. Yay for the planet ... and stuff.

There are more important things to talk about, though. Like the fact that I'm finally moving out on my own. First time ever I'll be paying my own rent, and not relying on Mom and Dad to shift the money into my bank account for me to do so.

About time, too, frankly. Living at home is driving me nuts. I want to kill Mom's fucking hamster dog. Grr. Stupid barking thing.

Have to see if Brian wants to do a house-warming party or something. Creepy. Now we'll get to know each other's little nasty habits and eccentricities and stuff. I hope the poor guy survives.

I hope I survive, too. Gotta be there at least a year.

April 16, 2005

I have a lot of yarn. Last night I went through it all (well, the stuff that's in my bedroom ... not sure if I kept the baskets I brought home from college; they'd be in the garage.) All said and told, I have just under ten miles' worth, and that's just the stuff I haven't knitted up yet.

Perhaps I am a wee bit addicted. Hmm ... nah. But at least I am semi-organized now. All Excel-charted and stuff. Be impressed with me. Next task: go through my magazines and books, and figure out how I"m going to keep them organized.

I am almost done knitting up the panties for my sister; just have to do the crotch, and size 'em. Hopefully they'll fit her arse. Even if they don't, they'll stretch, and they're supposed to be separated on the sides. Ribbon lacing is a good thing. For such an intense-looking pattern, I'm impressed that it only took me a week to get this done.

The bra is next. And then I have a coworker who is interested in paying me for a pair. Not that she could afford me if I decided to charge for them based on an hourly rate. But I like her, and need some more friends in my life, and we'll see how I feel about these things once I'm done.

I think, though, I'll make my summery lacy mohair leaf pattern scarf from Vogue Knitting first. It is delicious-looking.

And I still have that hemp summer top to do, too. Argh. So much to do, so little knitting time.

Should be keeping organized. I have bills to pay. Laundry to do. A room to clean. But frankly, I just want to be cuddling. Bah.

April 12, 2005

Happy Birthday, Mr. Mendel, my future roommate.

Things I like about my life right now:

--I get to see the sunrise every morning, and I'm not crabby about it.

--I get a paycheck twice a month for enough to pay off student loans, live in the style I'm used to, and still afford rent (I'm hoping ... we'll see).

--While I'm still driving an hour each way to work, it's all along the "World's Most Beatiful Highway," which makes it worth it.

--I am keeping (albeit somewhat intermittantly with some) in touch with some of the more important people to me from my past. Not all of them, unfortunately, but most of them.

--I am no longer really speaking with people who make me angry. For the most part.

--I'm a single-digit pants size again.

--I look better now than I ever have in my entire life.

--I feel better now than I have for a long time.

--Can we say "finished objects"?

--I can sleep past 3 in the afternoon and not feel guilty about it. In fact, it's expected.

--I work with people I can get along with.

--I can wear jeans to the office.

--May = Trashfan Road Trip.

--May 1 = medical benefits.

I had a bunch of other, more wonderful things earlier. But that was while I was driving home after work this morning. I forgot what I was going to say in the interval during which I slept. Mmm ... sleep.

Brian needs a better birthday date than me. But since he didn't bust his butt and ask one of the chicks he's got a crush on out, I suppose I will do. Time to get dressed for that.

April 9, 2005

Going back to Davis is strange.

I kept passing places I'd been to with Eric, or driving down roads I'd travelled in his car or with him in the passenger seat, and having flashbacks to my memories with him.

It was very strange to drive by the 113-N exit and not take it.

I'm not sure if it's painful, wistful, or something else entirely. Pathetic? Nostalgic? Annoying?

Hanging out with Nick again is also strange. But in a different way. Hanging out with him is like the last 8 years never happened. It's like we never broke up -- except that, we did. A long time ago. But there's still a comfortableness that makes being with him again like being 17, but with the experience and the confidence of being 25.

As he put it today, "It's like ... 'well, duh, I'm hanging out with Sarah. What about it?'"

Well, duh, I'm hanging out with Nick. And we get along. And we can talk about the past 8 years without jealousy, talk about the people who we loved and still love. I think he's aching just as much as I am.

Which makes us perfect for each other, I suppose, just at this moment in our lives. He's the shot of novacaine to numb the pain from the missing part of my soul.

Though, to be honest, that didn't stop me from driving an extra 10 miles north, and then having to drive the same back south, on the way home today. I'm a fool, yes. I'm sorry, Sweetness. I couldn't help myself. At least your car wasn't there.

This year, I can see, is going to be all about timing. I have to remind myself that if it's meant to be, it'll happen. It was meant to be, dear. It hurts, I wish it weren't, but ...

So many buts. Maybe this isn't the path I was supposed to take, but I botched it a year and a half ago. I have to fight to get it back straight, I have to fight to make the next line of meant-to-bes the ones that will make me happy.

I want that missing part of my soul back. I don't know how to do that, though. Do I beg? Don't think that will work. Do I let it go, try to grow it back? Maybe ... painful thought, but with time ... Or do I slowly coax (win?) it back? That will also take time, and I won't be able to try that for at least a month, I think.

Provided I'm given the chance, that is.

If the chance is meant to be, it will happen.

Will it happen? Will you let it be so?

Will I botch it up again? Or will I have learned from my Mistake?