- Tell Colonel Sanders where he can shove his Chalupa.
by E. Al Pants
Morality is spoken in many languages. Some like it in doses of colorful teddy bears, cute angels and chicken soup metaphors. I prefer mine laced with hookers, pedophiles and race riots. �The Shield� is a new drama series on FX that�s gritty, uber-realistic and hypercrude. In other words, it ROCKS! It�s a breath of fresh air on a TV-scape of worn-out sit-com clones, stale hipster fantasies and syrupy touchy-feely crapola. It�s more brutal than any major network would dare produce, and more sophisticated and expertly crafted than they�re capable of. And in spite of its rough vocabulary, it is a highly moral show, much more so than Touched By An Angel or Seventh Heaven. Why? Besides the fact that those shows suck (Jessica Biel notwithstanding), they�re about as subtle as an acme anvil with their over-simplified morality and message. Good art not only heightens reality (which the Sheild does at a few hundred horsepower) but it asks rather than answers. It gives the questions to the viewer and doesn�t insult her by telling her what to think. The conflicts are in-your-face and the situations are uncomfortably grim, but every heightened scenario is a moral question that doesn�t just provoke thought, it demands it � or else!
1.Touched by an Angel
2.Doc
3.7th Heaven
4.Sabrina the Teenage Witch
5.Who Wants to be a Millionaire
6.Mysterious Ways
7.Daddio
8.Twice in a Lifetime
9.My Wife and Kids
10.Moesha
Now I�d like to make fun of these shows and say stuff like, �Yeah, I�d like to be Touched by Roma Downey,� or �Hey! Watching �Sabrina� will lead to witchcraft, watching �Millionaire� teaches greed, and watching �7th Heaven� will entice young boys to read Gear Magazine!� But the truth is, I haven�t watched most of these shows and I haven�t even heard of half of them. And I don�t care to because they all look boring as hell. The last thing I would want to do is knock a show or movie I haven�t seen (remember the bozos who picketed Last Temptation of Christ). I think Brandy is a fine looking young woman and people have the right to watch crappy TV. And by all means, members of the PTC should have their kids watch these shows if that�s what they want them to watch. It�s great to have all kinds of shows on TV; good, engaging programming like �The Shield� for adults and boring crap like this top-ten list, for home-schooled kids. �Touched by an Angel� is great programming not only for children, but for senior citizens and developmentally disabled adults as well, I would never want to take away their entertainment options.
What�s more, I really have no problem with boycotts. It�s the American way � freedom of speech and speaking with your consumerism, I love the fact that we live in a country where even morons with absolutely no taste or common sense can be heard just like intelligent people. Where else in the world would you be hearing so much, so often, from brainless pud-wackers like the Moral Majority, the NRA, Focus on the Family and our friends at the Parent�s Television Council? I celebrate democracy every time I here the asinine, pathetic rantings of head-up-the-ass melons like these people. Good for them! Viva le difference!
I am pissed off, however. Not at these conservative butt-scratchers, but at the corporate cowards who listen to them. Gutless, spineless, fence-walking, two-faced corporate clowns who have no soul and bend over to offer their asses to whoever they think has the most currency in their demographic. I worked with these people when I did voice-overs. They are the reason I no longer do voice-overs. Working with advertising executives and corporate bendovers is like doing pushups over cologne-scented pond-scum. They are untrustworthy and disgusting. They have no vision and they believe in nothing, only what they perceive the demographic consumer trend to be and how it will affect their revenue. Just doing their jobs you say? No! If they were doing their jobs, they�d know that the PTC is in the minority. That boycotts of actual quality programming (as opposed to a boycott of Big Brother, which is on the PTC hit list and actually does suck with no redeeming qualities) is actually going to make more people watch and increase their revenues. The Shield is critically acclaimed and one of the highest rated shows produced by a minor cable network, and it�s FX�s first original series at that!
The best way to teach these wimpy advertisers the error of their reactionary flinching is not only to see the ratings go up even higher as the series finale is aired. That�s not enough. Boycotts work both ways, and intelligent people with taste happen to be consumers too. Perhaps every time a moronic boycott is announced by conservative monkey-spankers, a counter-boycott by the silent and tasteful majority should follow. I say we no longer patronize the spineless weasles who snuck away from The Sheild with their tails between their legs, and we should be spending our money with the sponsors who�ve stuck by this excellent program. Why go to Office Max when it�s cheaper at Best Buy anyway? Don�t drink another Bud when you can crack open a refreshing Mike�s Hard Lemonade! And Burger King sucks! Instead of a Whopper, have a� well shit, have another Mike�s Hard Lemonade!
Check out the list of advertisers and speak with your cash!
- E.A.P.