- Mozeltov Mohammed, and G'day Mate.
by E. Al Pants
According to the news this morning, a pregnant woman was shot by the Israeli border patrol while attempting to reach a hospital in the west bank. Strangely enough, the same thing happened yesterday. I�m not making this up, that�s two pregnant women, two days in a row. Apparently, the brave Israeli soldiers may have suspected the unborn children of being young recruits of the Hammas and were protecting the Holy Land from these despicable, yet tiny terrorists. You can�t be too careful! After all, this is the Holy Land we�re talking about, that land of Israel intended for God�s chosen people, who have been kept from it by the brutal Heathens since the Babylonian exile.
Or perhaps it is the shrine of the enlightenment of Mohammud, the Prophet of Allah and the Muslims have been violently pressed and pushed out of their rightful hold on it since before the bloody Crusades.
Okay, raise your hand if you�ve had enough of this shit. It�s dirt. It�s fucking real estate. There�s nothing holy about it, believe me, it�s the unholiest pile of sand and manure on the God damned planet. It�s fertilized with an endless flow of blood from dead religious zealots murdered by other religious zealots who don�t understand that if there is a God, he or she doesn�t need a fucking plot of land from which to run things. We all felt guilty about what�s been happening to the Jews since the Egyptians enslaved them (but God killed all the Egyptian babies so I guess we showed them!) so when the Holocaust legitimately clued us in that the People of Moses deserved a little payback, we gave them the land of Israel as a home. Unfortunately, someone was already living there, but hey we figured the Native Americans haven�t gotten back at us for stealing their land and destroying their culture (yet), so whoever those Heathens are that are in the Holy Land can just vamoose and we can forget about them.
Except that�s not what happened. It just pissed them off. And they got other Muslims pissed at us (since we, the United States, created and funded the new State of Israel, so to the Muslims, we�re the same enemy) which has escalated to the point where the most whacked Muslims are willing to do what they did last September, and the very whacked Israelis are willing to shoot pregnant women just because they�re Palestinians. Palestinians that are treading on their Holy dirt, thinking it should be Muslim holy dirt. Since all these zealots think they know what God wants, I think I�ll just jump on the bandwagon and claim that I know what God wants too.
God told me that anyone who kills anyone else over the Holy Land is an asshole. God says there�s no such thing as the Holy Land. God has stated further that God is in all places at all times and if we are to think of any place as the land in which God resides, it should be in our hearts, so really, shooting another human being is an act of desecration against the true Holy Land, so just knock it off already.*
So it�s become obvious that this whole experiment of forcing the Palestinians out of Israel to make the Holy Land a home for the Jewish people has simply not worked and is only going to lead to more bloodshed as long as idiots and zealots think they have a holy claim to the pile of landfill. My first thought was to force everyone out and nuke the place, then nobody gets it. But that�s completely irresponsible, and American corporations would wind up selling the land to people from New Jersey anyway. So here�s my solution. Give the Holy Land to the Australians.
Australians are tough and they wear awesome hats. They have a way of disarming even the most fearful visitors with their colorful tales of adventure and their strange, idiosynchratic ways. In no time at all, Israelis and Palestinians alike will all be sitting around in ramshackle bars with their new neighbors, knocking back a Foster�s, and saying �No worries, mate, no worries!� Then, when your favorite newscaster says, ��and now the latest news from the Holy Land�� instead of bracing yourself for news of more bloodshed, shootings and bombings, you can kick back and enjoy another humorous news segment about those whacky Australians playing with snakes, talking with those goofy accents and wrestling camels in the mud!
Yes, if you�ve watched cable recently, you know the Australians are the darlings of American media right now because they�re so damn funny. But wait, didn�t they do the same thing to the Aboriginese that we did to the native Americans? Wasn�t I just criticizing the Israeli experiment for displacing the Palestinians (though they�re hardly natives to the land, merely previous conquerors themselves)? Well, the Australians are not actually to blame for what�s happened to the Aboriginese, the whites were actually forcibly displaced there themselves because the British decided the Island would make a good off-shore prison. In fact, it was originally the British who colonized the parts of North America that became the United States, so they�re initially responsible for the tragedy that befell the Native Americans. In fact wasn�t it the British that started the Crusades in the first place? And took over South Africa?
Those sons of bitches. No wonder they all act like poncy little fruitcakes. They don�t want to draw attention to themselves. They�ve destroyed half the western hemisphere with their arrogance and insatiable desire for scones, and they want us all to forget who started all this trouble in the first place. Those fucking tea drinkers. Maybe they�re the ones that need to be displaced. I say let justice begin where injustice arose. Give England to the Irish! Give London to the Scots! Make the British Royalty serve coffee to the French! And somebody teach them how to cook! Vinegar does not go on fries goddamit!
Okay, this demands a new look. A complete redistribution of land and power. Here are the reassignments:
Australians move to Israel/Palestine.
Australia reclaimed by Aborigenese.
Americans move to Canada.
Canadians move to Antarctica.
America reclaimed by Native Americans (except for New Jersey).
Palestinians move to New Jersey.
Israelis move to Britain (but must share Western Coast and half of London with the Irish).
British sold into slavery.
And I�m gonna buy me a Spice Girl!
- E.A.P.
*For further information on how God feels about killing, check out The Onion