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Of course, I'm not disputing the belief that there is a God of Love that happens to be in charge of the Universe, that's awesome if it's true. And since this God, espoused by religious leaders and "experts" all over television, is practically the opposite of the God of Abraham described in the Bible, Torah and Qur'an, it's become clear to me that our religious leaders have shown us that it's okay, perhaps even our duty, to design our own God.
So I'm going to call mine Timberlaine. I mean, I'll refer to him as God, just like everyone else, but instead of Yahweh or Jehovah, his proper name is Timberlaine Vychopski. And he has to have a main attribute, like Love, except I think it should be more practical and related to the modern world. It is, after all, a new millennium. I've whittled it down to a few possibilities�
Timberlaine, God of Coffee: I am actually already a pretty faithful worshipper of the God of Coffee. Prayer is once a day and requires the sacrifice of three scoops of beans. This meditation is truly eye-opening, and there is evidence that this is indeed the true God, because if I skip worship on any given morning, I am stricken with a tremendous headache by midday. Still apparently a vengeful God, but just headaches, no Slaughtering of Innocents.
Vychopski, Lord of Mozzerella: He resides in all pizzas, he undergoes transfiguration when entombed in the fires of Amana. Known for his goodness he can be a stringy God. Originally begotten from the sacred Cows of Wisconsin, Light from Light, Land o' Lakes, if you doubt, heretic, BEHOLD THE POWER OF CHEESE!!!
Timberlaine Vychopski, or He that is T.V.: By waving the somewhat phallic Talisman, I receive visions of war, exploration and Victoria's Secret models. This God tells me what I want to eat, what I should wear, what kind of people I should hang out with, and which car I should drive to attract the prime chicks. But sometimes this God becomes displeased and the only visions I get are of mundane families making bad jokes and unfunny faces at each other. These visions are often accompanied by the sound of a hundred minions laughing at jokes that aren't funny, making them not only less funny, but really kind of creepy. There are frequent appearances by Satan, known in this realm as Bob Saget.
Timberewski, God of Beer: A misty, sparkly God, jovial and golden. This is a magical God, under whose spell men become strong and women become beautiful. This is the favored God of fraternities, athletes and those who wish they were still in fraternities and/or still athletes. This God brings the full earth into the belly of Man through choice barley and hops and worshippers are known for their globe-like shape as well as their ever flowing golden streams of consciousness. But this God is a Jealous God and if you mix your worship with other fermented Gods, he will strike vengance upon you in the morning. And woe be unto him.
VychoMAma!, Goddess of Swimwear: She brings the summer sun, gently nudging the clothing off of women everywhere, until all that remains are a few scant patches of thin material, allowing the full sway and bounce of Her most glorious work, abounding in fullness and verve through August and beyond. Amen.
-E.A.P