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E. Al Pants ! |
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January 2003 - The Bravest man in America!
- Don't let the dogs out. Officer Eric Hill is on the loose! |
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The Bravest Man in America
January 2003 - Lock up your puppies! Here comes Officer Eric Hall!
by E. Al Pants
Officer Eric Hall, of the Cookeville, Tennessee Police department, bravely shot a North Carolina family's pet dog during a botched and unnecessary traffic stop. I, for one, would like to encourage everyone to take a moment and email Officer Hall at [email protected] or phone him at the Cookeville Tennessee Police Department at 931-520-5318 to congratulate him on his astounding heroism. I personally would like to wish Officer Eric Hall a very, VERY warm reception in Hell, where he will, if there is justice, be gang-sodomized by a pack of rabid demon-beagles for eternity and beyond.
It all started when money began raining down on Interstate 40 in Tennessee. Naturally, concerned motorists assumed there must be a carjacker fleeing down the highway throwing money at people, so they called 911. The Tennessee Highway Patrol responded with two cruisers and felt that just wasn�t intimidating enough, so they called up the Cookeville Police Department to see if they could get some yokel support. Brave Officer Eric Hill describes the scenario... |
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�We wuz at the Donut Palace when this cawl a-comes in on the box sayin there wuz some kinda troubles on the 40. So we shoots up the highway and there�s the state patrol boys, they got the susspek car up�n between they�s two cruisers. We were all afeared they was some kinda big city carjackers, so�s we all stayed in our ve-hickels and the State boys jess got up on the bullhorn, you know, to shake up the susspeks. So these people get outa the car an� we could tell they wuz dangerous right off, cuz they were workin� so hard to look like a harlmess lil� family on vacation, that I�ll be dad-burned if that isn�t eggzackley whut they looked like � they were so dad-gum good at lookin� harmless we knew they must be REAL dangerous! So the State boys jump out their cars and get the �supposed� family on the ground and cuff them sumbitches, an that�s when I figgerd it wuz safe to get outta my car. But I diddn�t know what else might be hidin� in the car, maybe a tiger or a wolf or a negro or what have you, so I kep my trusty rifle pointed at the car so�s I could blow away anything that come out afore it git me. And shor-nuff, this big brown dog comes a-hoppin out the car and ever-one starts a-screamin and the thing�s waggin� its tail like crazy and hoppin- from paw to paw like it�s gon� kill me or somethin� and I nearly shit mah britches! So I blew the damn thang�s head off! Boy was I relieved. I wisht I could git more donuts, so we hurry-up quick�n threw the family, who wuz still screamin and cryin� fer some reason, into the back of the state boys� squad so�s we could git back to the Donut Palace pronto! That shore wuz a crazy night.� |
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Shockingly, Officer Eric Hall did not receive a commendation for his valor, but was instead given administrative duty while his superiors try to sort through the death threats he�s received.
Let�s hear it for a brave, brave man.
E. Al Pants
P.S. � In some kind of fit of universal balance, Officer Eric Hall�s diametric opposite in bravery was featured in the news days later. To read about a real hero, click here. |
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