- Liberalism = Child Molesting, just like the Rebublicans say!
by E. Al Pants
I would like to publicly apologize for calling George W. Bush a walking piece of shit, dumbass Texan, and warmonger who stole the presidency. Oh sure, I still believe these things, but I�d like to apologize publicly anyway, because if I don�t, I might wind up in a detention camp under the Patriot Act, and who wants that?!
See, the cool thing about the current regime is that they�ve been able to turn the country into a fascist dictatorship and make it go down as smoothly and tastily as Freedom Fries! Under Herr Aschcroft�s Patriot Act, if you provide any assistance, even unknowingly, to a �suspected terrorist organization, (and the government is mighty suspicious)� you can face indefinite detention, arrest, even revocation of your citizenship, which up until now wasn�t allowed. The FBI can wire-tap anybody (okay, I always thought they did that anyway) and issue secret warrants, which until now was only reserved for counter-intelligence activity (other spies), and of course the beauty of all this is, for national security purposes, they don�t have to disclose the purpose of these warrants or issue any public information about the arrests.
So now, civil liberties are pass�! The government can literally haul you away and not tell anybody about it, just like in the movies about those bad fascist dictatorships and scary foreign countries where they didn�t have the great freedom we used to enjoy here. So now, war protesting, donating to any charity, and saying �George Bush is a walking piece of shit� could potentially make a person suddenly disappear under the Patriot Act. So I take it all back! God bless George Bush! George Bush is great! Sieg fucking heil!!!
Of course, the real power in the war-criminal�s � oops!, I mean the president�s � leadership, is that so many throngs are eager to check their intelligence and common sense at the door and follow him blindly and rabidly as a Hitler youth in targeting the �undesirables,� rooting them out, harassing them, even setting up websites to blacklist the commies who didn�t support Bush in his Godly war. You know the scum: Intelligent, educated and compassionate agitators who light candles for peace and dare to question the actions of a moron who doesn�t belong in office. Don�t they realize every time Susan Sarandon flashes a peace sign, she may as well be spitting in the face of the brave, young soldier the government sent into battle so he could pay for college and hopefully not get killed before he gets to vote for his first Republican?
I renounce my pacifist liberalism! I say the liberals are evil and two-faced for saying they support our troops but rebuke Bush for putting their lives in danger in an unjust war where the United States has inexplicably invaded an overseas country to take its oil. I mean find weapons. Fuck the UN for trying to stop us! Saddam has broken international law by having Weapons of Mass Destruction and that is in DIRECT VIOLATION of what the UN told him to do, and nobody disobeys the UN but us, goddamit!
I guess all those stupid, Saddam-hugging liberals are sorry they opposed the war now! Did you see those happy Iraqis dragging that big metal head through the streets? Sure, we didn�t find any Weapons of Mass Destruction, and sure, we�ve been unable to find any connection whatsoever between Saddam Hussein and any organized terrorist group, and sure we killed a whole bunch of Iraqi civilians, with more starving and dying right now because the hospitals are fucked and aid can�t reach them, and sure we�ve sustained our own casualties and we face an uncertain future now that we�ve angered the Arab world, effectively uniting them against us as Osama never dreamed, but hey! Saddam not only tried to kill our president�s dad, but he was an incredibly evil dictator, a sadistic killer, hated by his own people, and it�s our duty to go in and oust such leaders, except in countries that don�t have oil, or countries that have good armies that could actually kick our ass. Hey China, we LOVE you!
Besides this war being a great triumph of Justice, it�s also given us something to rally around and really take pride in being the best, strongest country on earth! The news is full of it! Practically no other news gets through, like the American woman who was killed by the Israeli soldier for standing in front of a Palestinian home marked for demolition. Luckily the war started and squashed that story before anyone asked Israel to fucking explain themselves (Hey, c�mon, Israel doesn�t have to explain themselves, they�re just protecting themselves from terrorism by punishing a nation of Arabs for the crimes of their affiliated terrorists, just like us!). Heard about the genocide in the Congo? I wonder what�s going on with those kooky North Koreans? And what�s congress up to? Who knows?! Who cares! I�m sure it�s all for our own good! Listen, CNN�s gotta pay the bills. If it�s not about the war, the sponsors ain�t payin� so you�ll just have to wait until summer to find out how many hundreds were killed in that Bolivian landslide. Of course, by then, the TV movie about Private Lynch�s rescue will be on, so screw that!
Yay war! Yay Bush! Boo Saddam! Our God is righteous and your God sucks! Our country is great and yours is a sandpit. Now a burning, bloody sandpit, thanks to good old American bomb technology! God Bless the USA! Long live George W. Bush! Who cares if he�s ugly, stupid as a rock, and the majority of America didn�t want him as president in the first place? Don't listen to Michael Moore, no matter how much sense he makes! Bush may be a scary leader, but he's our scary leader, the Texan who changed the world!!! So don't bad mouth him, or ya might just disappear!!
EAP