"Yes?" asks Bernadette from the loo, where she was drying her long ash blonde hair in front of the mirror.

"Wot's this?" She sticks her head out the door to look.

"Oh, that's Timothy," she says, blushing a little. I put the teddy bear down on the bed and go on with my unpacking.

"Oh," I say.

"I can't sleep without him," she explains. "I hope you don't mind me bringing him along." She comes into the room in her pink bathrobe, brushing her hair aimlessly and watching me with those big green eyes of her's.

"I don't mind," I reply. "I've never heard of a girl bringing a teddy bear along on her honeymoon before." She picks the bear off the bed.

"He's an old pal of mine," she says absently. "And good luck too." She places him on the nightstand beside the side of the bed she has claimed.

"But he'll be comfortable right there."

"Glad to hear it," I reply. "Come over here." I sit down on the bed as she walks over to me and I motion for her to sit down on my knees. I take the brush from her and start to brush her long wet hair.

"Oh, you don't have to do that," she tells me.

"Yes I do, I want it to dry quickly," I answer. "I'm taking you dancing tonight."

"I thought you were tired," she teases.

"I only said that to get that old bat off our backs."

"Naughty girl!" I poke her in the ribs and she jumps. I laugh and keep brushing.

"You have too much hair Nadette."

"Of course I do," she says. "And you have too little."

�
An hour later we head downstairs to the ball room, where a great dance is going on. A swinging band plays Kansas City Kitty in the corner of the room, and the dancefloor is packed. Bernadette looks beautiful; she's pinned up all her hair and is wearing a gorgeous pink sleeveless evening gown. I - for comfort and fear of being 'discovered' - am in my tuxedo and top hat. The song ends and we applaud, ready to join in on the next one, which turns out to be Someone to Watch Over Me, made famous recently by Gertrude Lawrence. We start to dance, it's a bit squishy on the crowded dancefloor, and we keep getting bumped by other couples.

"I feel like a sardine," giggles Bernadette. She has a gorgeous laugh, my Nadette; like music. When she laughs her eyes light up, and so does the room. I fell in love with her the first time I saw those eyes of her's, those unfathomable eyes.

"I feel like a pinball," I reply.

"You're MY pinball," she says, kissing me on the cheek.

"Then you're my sardine," I reply.

"Wot do you get when you cross a pinball and a sardine?"

"Wot?"

"A real flipper!" She's a great kidder, isn't she? I get bumped again, sharply, and I grab my hat before it falls off and all is revealed. "You wouldn't let me lend you my hat pin."

"I didn't want to be a pin head." She gets bumped, and in the spirit of the evening, bumps the couple right back, grinning at them, and they laugh.

"There's too many people here," she says, not really complaining.

"Wot do you want them to do about it?" We are bumped again and my hat is sent flying. I bend to pick it up and my hair comes loose, falling untidily to my shoulders. The couples around us stop dancing, and as I pick up my hat I feel their eyes on me.

"Uh-oh," says Bernadette.

"Wot did you say about me having too little hair?" I stand back up and look around at them. Some of the women gasp. Nadette clings to my arm, looking around at the accusing eyes. One of the men approaches me.

"You don't belong here," he scowls.

"We have every right," I reply. Mother always told me to stand my ground. He touches Nadette's face.

"Don't you know you're suppsed to be with a MAN?" he demands.

She pulls away from him.

"Keep your hands off her," I snap.

"Belt up...Stupid dyke. Wot are you going to do about it?" On that note, I belt him one right in the kisser and he goes reeling back into the crowd. Not bad for a skinny girl, I say. Unfortunately, someone catches him and he is right back, taking a swing at me. I duck, pulling Nadette down with me.

"Get out of here, go up to the room," I tell her.

"Not without you," she replies, tugging on my arm. "Please, let's-" He takes another swing at me and catches me in the jaw. Nadette cries out and pulls me close. When the world stops spinnning I retaliate. I swing and miss and then I swing again and wind him, knocking him to the floor.

"Come on Nadette," I say, my jaw beginning to ache. She helps me to the lift and we go back up to our room, stopping to collect some ice on the way.

Nadette sits me down on the bed and carefully ices my bruising jaw. "We can't stay here," she says, and I can hear the fear in that beautiful soft voice of her's.

"There's no need to worry," I assure her.

"I want to go back to London. We shouldn't have come Rhoda."

"Going home is giving in."

"Going home is safe."

"That means he wins."

"It most certainly does not. He has to live with the fact that he was beat up by a girl half his size."

"It is."

"Stubborn."

"Damn straight."

"Stop it, or I'll belt you one." A tear runs out of her eye and down her cheek. I never wanted to make her cry, not ever. I take the ice from her and hug her tightly.

"All right," I say, trying put my pride away as she sobs quietly on my shoulder. "We'll go home tomorrow. I'll explain to Salka when we get back."

Salka is the woman watching our house for us.

"You don't have to, I will."

"I never wanted to make you cry."

"Oh Rhoda," she sighs. "You didn't. He did."

"Were you embarassed?" She leans back from me and stares into my eyes.

"Of course not...I was frightened."

"Never be frightened."

"I can't help it."

"They're just hypocrites."

"They're big hypocrites."

"We'll go home tomorrow."

"I knew you'd do that," she whispered.

"Disappointed?"

"Of course not, I wanted you to."

"I know it. Where's the candy?" She reaches behind her and pulls out the bag of licorise she has accidentily leaned on. "Sorry if it's a bit warm," she laughs, handing it to me.

"Shhh!"

"I don't think I've ever had a piece of cold licorise since we've been married."

"Shhh!" I turn my attention back to the movie. Petula Clark is singing with a man dressed as a leprechaun in and out of behind a clothesline.

"Look, they're that close to 'aving a good snog right 'ere," someone whisperes from behind us. I hardly have to look to see who it is.

"Hello Pet," I say.

"You missed the beginning," says Bernadette.

"Not my fault, it's 'is."

"Is not," her husband, Endimion, says. They sit down behind us.

"Wot did you do, Dim?" asks Nadette, turning to look at them.

"Car wouldn't start."

"And why wouldn't the car start?" nagged Pet.

"Because I forgot to put fuel in it yesterday."

"See, it is 'is fault."

"Shhh!" Bernadette giggles. I think she likes being shhh-shed.

In forty-one years of marriage to this girl, I don't think I've ever heard the complete dialogue of a movie. Pet leans over our seat and takes a piece of licorise, leaving behind a handful of popcorn for a trade.

"I think it's time for a new car, it's leaking you know," argues Endimion.

"Of course it is, it's fifty years old! But we're not getting a new one. You're not throwing away my baby." At that remark, I roll my eyes.

"That baby has made a rusty, oily spot in our drive, and it's unsafe."

"Could you two argue about that after the picture?" someone asks. I think Pet likes being shhh-shed too.

�

Intermission is finally here and Nadette and I are in the loo. She is brushing her hair in the mirror, and I am washing my hands. She looks tired, movies always have that effect on her. The door opens and we are joined by three women about our age.

"Look, isn't that?" one of them whispers.

"I think so," another one replies. They approach us, smiling. I know what they want.

"Excuse me, weren't you Bernadette O'Brien?" Weren't?? Nadette sighs and turns around to face them.

"Yes, I AM Bernadette O'Brien," she replies.

"I used to love you!" How can they think that these are compliments?

"So did I...until you told everyone...you know..." We came out about twenty years ago. Bernadette doesn't answer, she just stares back at them blankly, as she does whenever she faces rude fans.

"May we have your autograph?" They shove notebooks in her face and she signs them.

"Thank you so much!" The women leave and Nadette turns back to the mirror.

"Am I really that old?" she asks, bringing her face close to the glass.

"Don't pay any attention to them," I tell her, drying my hands.

"People used to flock to see me, remember?" Of course I do.

"They still do," I remind her.

"Not the same."

"You're a star Nadette," I remind her. "People will always love you."

"Then why did they ask me were?"

"They're just old busy-bodies is all."

"They're our age." I've insulted her. She tosses her brush back into her handbag and storms out of the loo and back into the theatre.

I follow her quickly. She sits down in her seat, glaring at the blank screen.

"Nadette!" I sit down beside her and put my arm around her shoulders.

She shrugs it off.

"It's real nice when your own wife calls you old," she scowls, folding her arms across her chest. "You're older than I am you know!" she snaps.

"I just meant that they don't know to mind their own business," I tell her.

"Excuse me," someone says. We turn to look and find a teenaged boy leaning over the seats in front of us. "You're Bernadette O'Brien aren't you?"

"Yes," she replies, cautiously this time.

"Golly, I've seen all your pictures, you're the berries!" Her eyes brighten a little.

"Thank you very much," she says. "Wot's your name?"

"Sammy..er...Sam Darby." She takes a pen and paper out of her handbag and scribbles something on it.

"I'm playing in a review at the Apollo, if you give this to the gentleman at the stage door, he'll let you in free."

"Gee, thanks Miss O'Brien!"

"I'll be looking for you Sam." They shake hands and he leaves as the lights dim.

"See? That's got to prove something."

"I'm still mad at you." Dim and Pet return to their seats behind us.

"'Iya kiddies, on time this time!" says Pet cheerfully. The picture comes back on and Fred Astaire and Petula Clark are singing When The Idle Poor Become The Idle Rich.

"I don't see why," I argue. "I didn't mean anything by it."

"You always say wot you mean."

"You heard me wrong."

"I heard you perfectly well."

"Nadette-" I don't know what to say and I just watch her for a moment, thinking. "I'm sorry." She looks at me.

"You don't know wot it's like to be called a has-been."

"Yes I do, remember that review I got last year when I wrote Trapdoor?

The gentleman at the Times called me a boring has-been."

"He didn't call you old."

"That's implied and you'd argue the same thing."

"I'm sorry."

"You know I love you, don't you?"

"Yes, Darling." I lean over and give her a kiss and she cuddles up against me again to watch the rest of the picture.

Myself, I sit curled up in a soft armchair with my quilt tucked tightly around me, enjoying a steaming cup of tea. Enjoying? Not the right word for it, but I can't think of the proper one. A particularly bright bolt of lightning streaks across the sky and lights up our rented flat.

Bernadette must be terrified...
Crying...
Trying to hide...
No. She's safe in Rhoda's arms tonight. Every night.

I pull the quilt tighter around me and slide down in the chair a bit. Katy turns her back to me and pulls her quilts over her head. She's not frightened of the storm. Thunder.

Thunder sends her leaping into her arms...
Shaking like a leaf...
Rhoda consoles her...
They make passionate love. That's what lovers do in thunder storms, isn't it?

I get up and head for the kitchen, dragging my blanket after me.

"Petula Leigh Desmond, pick up that blanket!"
"It's not a blanket it's a puppy. It's following me." Dad shakes his head and walks away.

Tea cup in the sink, I head for my small bed. It creaks and groans as I lie down.

"This whole house creaks and groans Pet!" Bernadette exclaimed, walking up the stairs.
"No theif will get us."
"Which room do you want?"
"The one at the top of the stairs."
"So do I."
"We'll share it."

I used to watch her sleep, cuddled up in her bed with the pink quilts and sheets. I would imagine holding her...Kissing her...Telling her I loved her and hearing her say she loved me too. I put those dreams carefully away, thinking she would never say the words I longed to hear.

"Pet?"
"Yeah Ben?"
"You'll stay with me right?"
"Yeah Ben."
"Daddy took Teddy away."
"Can't take me away Ben. I promise."

I pull the blankets over my head and burry my face in the soft pillows. I close my eyes and pull the blankets tight against my ears to block out the thunder storm, but the heavy drumming on the slate roof above my head keeps me wide awake. Thunder crashes in the distance.

"Wot was that?"
"Wot was wot?"
"That sound. That crash."
"Didn't 'ear nuffin'."
"It was right above us Pet."
"Close your eyes and go back to sleep."
"I'm frightened." Silence. "Pet?"
"Never mind it. 'Ere, 'old me 'and and go to sleep."

Tap. Tap. Tap. I peek out from under my blankets. Roofs leaking. T'rrif. I pull my head back inside my shell, turtle that I am at this moment. Hiding. Always hiding. Ironic that my name means "Seeker." Tap. Tap...Ting! Ting! I stick my head out again. Katy's put a pot under the drip and is heading back to bed. Good to have a responsible adult around. I'm tired of being the responsible one. Thunder. Real close.

"Ben, you 'ere?" I call, on my way up the stairs.
"Yeah Pet, in the bedroom!" My pace quickens and I reach the top in seconds. I find her sitting at our desk, brushing her long copper-coloured hair.
"Thank goodness," I say, crossing the room to her. I'm drenched from the rain, but I don't care. I take the brush from her hand and set it down on the desk.
"Wot's the matter, Pet?"
"I want to talk to you...I need to tell you some'ut." She gazes thoughtfully at me with emmerold green eyes.
"I have news too. I wonder if someone hasn't all ready told you, though, from the look on your face."
"Wot's your news, Ben?"

"Auntie Pet! It's time to get up! C'mon! We're gonna miss the train!"
Katy tugs on my arm. "I don't wanna be late to see Auntie Ben and Auntie Rhoda!" I get out of bed, noticing she's all ready dressed.
"Make sure you 'ave everyfin' while I get dressed. You don't forget nuffin', 'ear?"
"Yeah, Auntie Pet."

Clickety-clack, clickety-clack...If it's not the rain it's the train. My head is throbbing. I lean it against the cool window and stare wearily out at the passing countryside. Momentarily, I glance over at Katy, who is drawing quietly in her seat, then turn back to the scenery. I close my eyes.

"Pet, don't hate me, please."
"You've not said anyfin' yet, Ben."
"Just...Promise me you'll hear me out."
"You know I will."
"It's Rhoda...We're in love. I know it's different, and hard to accept. I can't help loving her, Pet. She's warm, and kind...And I don't feel frightened when we're together..."

"WATERLOO STATION!"
In a daze, I rise, grab our bags, and follow Katy off the train. Through the cloud of steam that hisses out from under the train at every station, I can see Bernadette and Rhoda waiting for us. Katy runs to them, and they shower her with hugs and kisses. I'm paralysed. My feet won't move. It's been so long since I've seen her...So long...

..."You'll stay with me right?"
"Yeah Ben."
"Daddy took Teddy away."
"Can't take me away Ben. I promise..."

I didn't stay...A hot tear rolls down my face and drips onto my coat. I broke my promise to her. I left, I abandonned her without a word. I was so selfish. She cocks her head charmigly to one side and stares at me. Waiting for me to rejoin her. I can't move. She lets go of Rhoda's hand and starts toward me. I want to turn back to the train. I want to run. I can't move. Why can't I move? Won't somebody help me?

"Dad? Gracie? Where are you?" I wander around the room. I'm alone. Except for Ben, I'm alone. "Dad? Where did you go? Gracie? Mr. O'Brien?" Where is everyone? They don't leave without telling us, without waking us and letting us know. "Won't somebody answer me?"

In a second, her arms are around me, pulling me tightly against her.
She kisses my face. I can feel her tears joining mine. Why is she crying? I put my arms around her and hug her back.
"Don't cry Ben," I say. "Please..."
"Why'd you stay away so long, Pet? Why'd you go?"
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to...To break my promise. I just needed to...I'm sorry, Ben. I'm sorry..." She brushes the tears from my eyes and hugs me once more.
"Shh, it's all right now. Come on, let's go home. Rhoda and Katy have gone to the car."

"We've gone ahead, Lucky, but don't be scared. You're not alone, you're never alone. I'm with you, and Gracie's with you, and most of all, Ben's witl you. Don't cry and don't be cross with me, little one. We'll all be back when you've made it big, Honey. Look after Ben and you'll see us soon." "All right, Dad."