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From: Ben Dwertman
Date: Mar 2, 2007 10:11 PM
Subject: Re: Elections

Hey Cassie,

Sorry for getting back to you so late; it's been tough staying on top of emails in the heat of the campaign. I hope the delay won't make writing your article anymore difficult.

The Dwert campaign is a diverse one. If you're going for bulletpoints, our two biggest issues here are the guaranteed student income and the militarization of American. I'll explain these before I jump into the minor points.

Costs for students rise each year, and as such, handling them are a perennial campaign promise for Executive office candidates. I'm eager to acknowledge the difficulty it is for a mere mortal on the second floor of MGC to do anything about it. I'm here to offer inventive, undoubtedly helpful, solutions to handle the increasing costs of tuition, textbooks and other student needs. That's why I'm headlining my campaign with a promise to split my $10,000 stipend evenly among the undergraduate student body. Given current enrollment, this should amount to roughly $1.70 a student. Sure, it's nothing colossal, but I'm trying to do my part. We're all in this together! I'd like to challenge my opponents, Joe and John Eric, to promise the same.

Now, I can understand if you doubt the logistical feasibility of this project. Surely, it's a huge undertaking to ensure every single undergrad receives their $1.70 over the year. And, it's certainly compounded when I receive this stipend in installments. This is what we'll do: when I receive my check, I'll put it in a special lockbox. My checks from the summer will accumulate in this lockbox. The lockbox is probably going to be under my bed (please don't reveal this part -- THIS IS OFF THE RECORD!). Okay, back on the record: my staff and I will set aside a Friday for divvying it up - a so-called "distribution day" or "equality extravaganza." Wouldn't it be great if this were the first week back from the summer? Anywho, students will be invited to my office to collect their guaranteed income. Sure, it won't be much - indeed, it all depends on how much I end up getting over the summer. I'll stand watch (read: an office intern will stand watch [we get those, right?]) over a list of student IDs and we'll give out the cold hard cash. (Actually, it'll probably be a few coins, but we're going to try to make it fun and give it out in any denomination of your choice. So, if you're into pennies, you can get it in all pennies. If nickels are your thing, we got your back!) If you fail to collect the income on the distribution day, you're out of luck, but never fear: there are several distribution days throughout the year!

This really puts us ahead of the field in terms of real, concrete efforts to counter rising student costs. Again, it's not much, but what are my candidates promising to help out?

My second big issue is the troubling militarization of our neighbors. Recent intelligence suggests that Georgetown is developing Hoyas of Mass Destruction. We must act decisively and immediately. This school - at last - needs a real defense policy.

[Hold on a sec, my campaign manager is making me take a shot. This is off the record.]

Okay, back on record. A Hoya could be delivered via Metro and detonated in the heart of Mary Graydon Center within forty-five minutes. (This all, of course, depends on rush hour traffic.) This time to militarize this campus is right. That's why I will mandate as president the recreation of the university's Department of War. We need to be ready to mobilize the ROTC in the event of an attack, or any sort of perceived aggression by our neighbors. Also, the school needs to have a plan to conscript students into a militia to support the efforts of our ROTC. As Georgetown militarizes unchecked, there's only one solution: give guns to college students. Joe and John Eric have been unsettlingly silent on this issue. Where are there plans to protect this school?

The choice should be simple here: vote for me and live.

The battle between the universities for supremacy in D.C. is an old one, but it is an ongoing one. Many -- and I would include the dovish, Flower Children candidates John Eric and Joe in this group - have been complacent to let Georgetown push around the rest of the D.C. universities, calling it fate or "the way things are, and always have been" (I'm sure one of them has said this once, out of context or not). It's time we're a leader in our fair city to balance the power once more. Let's lead a coalition of schools -- following my lead here at AU -- to show Georgetown what we're made of. We will crush them and move on. I envision a dramatic crossing of the Potomac and besieging the university. But, I'm no military tactician. That's why I'll recommend John Manthe, a leading member of the Air Force ROTC, and total cutie pie, as my War Czar. Of course, this would be technically subject to approval by the Senate, or whoever, but yeah, whatever.

I'm really sorry for going on here, but I have just a few more platform points I'd like to go over. It really means a lot to me to be able to make these controversial issues public.

You know, when my parents were incinerated by the nefarious Dr. V over fall break (I wasn't able to go home for the funeral, since fall break is now only one day long), I learned a lot. I might not have learned how to run a real campaign and, you know, get elected, but I did learn what's really important to students. Never mind my own self-interest in this election. Sure, it'd be great to get elected and finally capture and prosecute the evil mastermind that turned my mom and dad into little crisps, but this is so much more than that. I'll maintain that this could very well be the most important SG election ever. And, it's not simply because of the $1.70 and the growing threat of Georgetown.

As president, I'm finally going to give the students a time capsule. We aren't too old! This is something that previous presidents have ignored as an issue, simply because they think we've matured past the age where we could do this without feeling shame.

As president, I'm going to crackdown on paranormal activity. I don't know much about the Experimental Theater, but I do know it's haunted. We're going to control these ghosts. Doctors Venkman, Stantz and Spengler have agreed to lend a hand, and we should be able to institute a trial program with the Ghostbuster Proton Packs. Additionally, we have have cryptid infestation that's gone too far. I applaud President Mushnick's resolve in removing the Loch Ness Monster from the Carl A. Burke Swimming Pool in Bender. Nessie was a nuisance, and clearly had to go.

You've probably noted the inexplicable fetish the Registrar has developed with assigning class to Watkins. Watkins is on the hinterlands of this great campus, and completely inappropriate, especially in this harsh, harsh D.C. weather. What I plan to do as your president is use my extensive expertise in experimental physics and manipulate space-time to make Watkins closer. Of course, we'll have to move Tenley Campus further away to make up the difference, but boo-hoo. An Eagle never cried for a Washington Semester student, and never will.

I'd like to also plant a tree in memory of some of America's fallen heroes: Kurt Cobain, Aaliyah, Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes, Tupac and Biggie. There will be a very professional-looking plaque nearby. Also, I'd like to look into the creation of a reflecting pool to border the tree to commemorate Dirt Mcgurk, also known as the Old Dirty Bastard. I know this seems ridiculously frivolous and needless, but just think of all the sweet publicity we could get.

Sure, there are very literally BAJILLIONS of additional points in my platform, but these are the most important and pertinent for these trying times. If you're interested, I can provide them.

As for the biographical information you need, I'm a Junior in SIS. If you'd like a comprehensive list of my likes and dislikes to complement your article, this could be made available.

I also encourage you to take a look at our videos on YouTube. You can find this at:

http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=dwert4prez

Cassie, good luck with your article. This administration will remember our friends, and we have deep pockets.

Best,
Ben Dwertman, No Longer a Stalinist But Still Your Candidate for SG President
Hosted by www.Geocities.ws

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