767) I will not name the Balrog "Fluffy." -Rei
768) I will stop telling Haldir he's "pretty like a girl." -Rei
769) I will not look for Gollum when I notice that someone's stolen the fake Rings from the bookmarks at Barnes & Noble. -Rei
770) I will not juggle Galadriel's gifts. -Rei
771) I will stop comparing Gimli and Legolas to Earl and Mooch from "Mutts." -Rei
772) Nor will I continue to compare them to Naota and Mamimi from "FLCL." -Rei
773) I will not call Legolas by any of the following names: Leggy, Leggles, Legs, Lego, etc. -Rei
774) The Wargs are not mutant hyenas. -Rei
775) I will not use the light of Earendil to make shadow puppets. -Rei
776) Haldir's last word was not a bemused "Heh?" -Rei
777) I will stop informing the Elves that "de Nile" is a river in Egypt. -Rei
778) Haldir is not anal retentive. -Rei
779) I will not suggest that the Fellowship seek group therapy. -Rei
780) It is not polite to refer to Gollum as an anorexic Hobbit. -Rei
781) I will stop making the comment "How's *that* for parental support?" during the "Arwen's Fate" scene. -Rei
782) Fili and Kili were not the previous incarnations of Merry and Pippin. -Rei
783) Saying that I'm a Ring-bearer will not earn me free passage to Valinor. -Rei
784) I will not attempt to incite a spirited chorus of "Jingle Bells" whenever Glorfindel rides by. -Rei
785) I will not sing lullabies so loudly that they wake up the person to whom they are being sung. -Rei
786) I will not speculate on the genders of the Easterlings. -Rei
787) Gloin is not "hung like an oliphaunt." -Rei
788) ...No matter what Thranduil says. -Rei
789) I will not urge the Elves of Mirkwood to attend Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. -Rei
790) The phrase "Tra-la-la-lally" has no deep meaning, no matter what the Elves try to tell you. -Rei
791) I will not nod and make "hurry up" motions with my hands whenever Treebeard is speaking. -Rei
792) I will not obsess over where Legolas and Gimli were and what they might have been doing during "The Heir of Numenor" scene. -Rei
793) I will not play "Ring and Run" at Barad-dur. -Rei
794) I will not refer to Fangorn Forest as "an Elf's wet dream." -Rei
795) I will not pull Elrond's braids then scamper away giggling. -Rei
796) I will not use Thranduil's crown as a Christmas wreath. -Rei
797) "Slash Elements in the Works of Tolkien" will never be a Jeopardy category. -Rei
798) The Ring in question has nothing to do with a chick in a well. -Rei
799) They are not "The Nazgul Who Say Ni!" -Rei
800) I will not "accidentally" brush against the Dwarf on my way through the door. -Rei
801) Five Rings were not gifted to the race of Hobbits. -Rei
802) If I choose to sing the "Itsy-Bitsy Spider" song while crossing Cirith Ungol, then I'm just asking for it. -Rei
803) It is none of my business whether or not Thranduil is a cuddler. -Rei
804) I will not ask Arwen if her father knows she's wearing that. -Rei
805) The Ents are not singing "Kumbaya." -Rei
806) Legolas and Gimli did not derive any twisted, sexual pleasure from their Orc-slaying competition. -Rei
807) Nori is not a girl. -Rei
808) I will stop asking if Pippin can come out and play. -Rei
809) I will not yell out "Get a bra!" during the romantic close-up between Aragorn and Arwen. -Aquara
810) Sauron does not just need a hug. -Rei