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| BACK TO HOMEPAGE |
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As we at the Matt Conroy Homepage pondered what article to write to headline the new updates we looked at numerous factors to help make our decision easier: among these, viewer feedback (emails), exit polls, and the sporadic thoughts of Matt Conroy himself. Looking at this material, we determined many things, first and foremost, that people are pissed.
For example, there were numerous e-mails, faxes, and good old fashioned hand-written death threats that gave very poignant feedback along the lines of:
Hey asshole, You are the craziest damn asshole ever, asshole. Seriously dude, you are one meissed up assdhole. Get a life freak! I hate you! asshole. How come you dont update anymore? Huh? too lazy? asshole. By the way, you are an awesome writer,The website rocks, keep up the good work!!!
Feedback such as this helped precious little in the search for what our first return topic should be. Then, epiphany struck. When, on a typical Friday night, Matt Conroy had to use the bathroom facilities and encountered a drunk man lying (yes lying) forward in the urinal. Therefore, what follows is: |
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THIS WEBPAGE IN NO WAY SPONSORED BY |
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OR THEIR CO-SPONSORS |
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HOW TO AVOID ALCOHOL IN COLLEGE
or how to destroy a social life in several, easy steps
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A MATT CONROY BACK FROM THE DEAD ARTICLE |
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FIRST, A REVIEW |
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If you go to, have attended, or intend to attend college or, if any small piece of your brain is awake and understands what's going on around you. This will be a summary. But for those cave dwellers and idiots who don't know their own names not to mention anything about the social structure of college, here is a hint.
Drinking is cool.
Now I'm sure I will get a flood of e-mails and death threats from people saying, 'I don't drink and I'm cool', and 'you support underage drinking you heartless bastard' and on and on and on. So PLEASE, also give me the courtesy of a second statement:
I do not drink nor do I condone drinking.
Thats why I'm making this site for everyone, so people can hear of the many alternatives for not drinking. Which leads us right into our first suggestion.... |
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(Wow, Is this guy cool) |
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(This is one super cool lamb) |
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BECOME MATT CONROY |
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My lawyers tell me to say this again. Matt Conroy does not drink nor does he condone drinking. (that whistling sound you hear is my suffocating social acceptance taking a death gasp) Therefore, it stands to reason that the simplest way to avoid drinking is to, naturally, become Matt Conroy. Now, I'm not the kind of person that is going to even suggest that you should try to genetically alter your DNA so that you become me or that you should even take the troubling steps of legally changing your name to Matt Conroy. Because, I've read the e-mails, I know you don't want to become me. But I also know you want alternatives to drinking in college. So there's always... |
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DEATH |
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Perhaps a more attractive prospect than the aforementinoed suggestion, untimely death also has the added benefit of being almost 100% successful in preventing drinking. In addition, untimely death offers something Americans can't get enough of; choices! From explosive grease fires, to majestic mountain climbing accidents, to the drama of getting eaten by wild animals, untimely death is a fantastic, college sanctioned, mother-approved form of avoding drinking. However, we here at the Matt Conroy Webpage prefer living people. We really do. So although, an option, we'd much rather you choose something else. Like.. |
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HEROIN |
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Another fantastic way to avoid drinking, Heroin messes you up so quick, and so effectively you wont even need to drink alcohol to get a buzz. It even goes hand in hand with the second option we presented. But in all seriousness, if you are glazed over and severely overdosing on some nice heroin in a ditch somewhere, the people who find you won't even give a damn about the Bud Light in your hand. It's almost like camoflauge for your drinking habits. But colleges (at least the handful not supported by the Colombian drug cartels) tend to frown on Heroin, so maybe you should look at... |
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VARSITY FOOTBALL |
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This one is rich, because its something you'll actually hear experts talk about from time to time. Especially as you start getting closer to D1 talent levels, Varsity Football is an excellent anti-drinking tool because of its extra-curricular nature and physical promotion. Its also an excellent tool for steroid and STD research, as well as learning how to fraud college instutions into thinking the bulky Running Back who can't read the scoreboard earned that PHD in Biomolecular Astrophysics. In addition, its also a great way to get really, really drunk all the time. You know what, if you really want to find out how to drink, ignore everything I've said and just go with... |
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GROW UP MORON |
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Less than a century ago you would be dying for your country overseas instead of giggling as the urinal you fell into repeatedly washes your face. I'm not going to get all preachy and go all Prohibition on you. Alcohol doesn't bother me, it really doesn't. Just, seriously, (and i promise i wont be serious for very long) use some freaking common sense here. Grow up already. |
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