| THE CATT MONROY MANIFESTO As Interpreted by Catt Monroy |
| The unanimous Declaration of the many united losers of America, When in the coarse of loser events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the laughter which has connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the seperate and equal station to which the Laws of Loserhood and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of losers requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the seperation. We hold these truths to be self evident that all us losers are created equal, that they are endowed by their unpopularity with certian unalienable qualities, that among these are grades, homework and the unsuccesfull pursuit of success. -- That to secure these qualities, cliques are instituted among students, deriving their powers of mockery from the consent of the mocked, -- That whenever any form of mockery becomes no longer funny or effective, it is the Right of the Loser to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new form of mockery, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its power in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Logic, indeed, will dictate that mockery long established should not be changed for light and transient causes and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that loserkind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by improving the mockery to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of insults and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute stupidity, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such mockery, and to provide new standards of mocking for their future humour. -- Such has been the patient tolerance of these losers, and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former systems of mockery. The history of the present popular society is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny over these losers. To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid world. They have refused their assent to the hillarious, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good. They have forbidden their peers to go along with jokes of immediate and expansive humour, unless suspended in their operation till their assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, they have utterly neglected to attend to them. They have refused to go along with other jokes for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of representation in the popular group, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only. They have called together popular groups at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with their measures. They have dissolved loser representative bodies repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness their invasions on the rights of all popularities of people. They have refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to become popular, wherby the popular powers, incapable of dethroning, have returned to the common people at large for their exercise, the loser remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within. They have endeavoured to prevent the population of these losers; for that purpose obstructing the laws for integration of losers into popular society: refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither; and raising the conditions of new approppriations of popularity. They have obstructed the administration of hilarity, by refusing their assent to jokes which establish judiciary humour. They have made popular leaders dependent on their will alone, for the tenure of their popularity, and the amount and payment of their esteem and social status. They have erected a multitude of New Celebrities, and sent hither swarms of Celebrities to intrigue our losers, and eat out their substance. They have kept among us, in times of fun, irritating celebrities without the consent of our losers. They have affected to render the Celebrities independent of and superior to the common person. They have combined with others to subject us to a mockery foreign to our understanding, and unacknowledged by our jokes, giving their assent to their jokes of pretended popularity. For quartering large bodies of irritating celebrities among us: For protecting them, by a mock ridicule, from banishment for any stupid acts which they should commit on the losers of these states: For cutting off our communication with all losers around the world: For imposing ridicule on us without our Consent: For depriving us in many cases, of the benefits of talking with attractive people For transporting us beyond our computers and calculators and forcing us to partake in pretended athletics. For abolishing the free System of English Losers in a neighboring household, establishing therin a popular group, and enlarging its boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these losers. For taking away our equations, abolishing our most funny jokes, and altering fundamentally the make up of our humour systems. For suspending our own jokes, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate our jokes in all cases whatsoever. They have abdicated popularity here, by declaring us out of their social system and waging social war with us. They have plundered our intelligence, ravaged our computers, burnt our textbooks, and destroyed the cyber-lives of our losers. They are at this time transporting large amount of jokes from foreign places to compleat the works of popularity, socialness and athleticism, already begun with circumstances of bad jokes and perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most loser-filled ages, and totally unworth the leaders of a popular nation. They have constrained our fellow losers taken captive on the athletic courts to hurl insults at their fellow losers, to become the belittlers of their friends and brethren, or to belittle themselves by their Hands. They have excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and have endeavoured to bring on the inhabitant of our fronitiers, the merciless MTV generation, whose known rule of socialism, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes, and conditions. In every stage of these oppressions we have petitioned for redress in the most humble of terms: our repeated petitions have been answered only by repeated bad jokes. A people whose character is thus marked marked by every act which may define a fool, is unfit to be the ruler of a popular people. We, therefore, the Representatives of the united losers of America, in general procrastination and unorganization, appealing to the Supreme loser of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by the authority of the good people of these losers, solemnly publish and declare, that these united losers are, and or right ought to be free and independent people. That they are absolved from all allegiance to the Popular people, and that all political connection between them and the people of MTV, is and ought to be totally dissolved: and that as free and independent people; they have the full power to conclude peace, contract alliances, establish commerce, and to do all other acts and things which Independent losers may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine providence, we mutually pledge to each other our lives, our fortunes, and our sacred Honor. Catt Monroy |