(Queen Aragorn, Girl Tree, Sauronsparemeihavecleanlovers (SSMIHCL), and Tabachka file into the theater with looks of dread upon
their deformed faces.)
GIRL TREE: *twiddles
fingers*
SSMICHL: *has
sex with Dom Monaghan*
GIRL TREE: I’m bored!
TABACHKA: Then let’s start the story!
QUEEN ARAGORN: Roll it, Bob!
Disclaimer: Sadly I do not own Lord of the Rings or any of it’s characters.What I DO own is Manarie.
Have a nice day.
SSMICHL: Well, I was until I read this story. Now I’m suicidal.
QUEEN ARAGORN: I wish this author was suicidal.
Let me tell you about my home.
QUEEN ARAGORN: How about NOT?
GIRL TREE: I don’t want to hear it, Mommy,
I don’t want to hear it! I don’t like
this story!
QUEEN ARAGORN: Easy.
It’s one sentence underway.
SSMICHL: Silence, scum!
GIRL TREE: Are you calling me scum, scum?
SSMICHL: Your mom’s a scum!
QUEEN ARAGORN: But the scummiest of all is this story. Let’s go, please.
My home was a great mythril palace
ALL: NOT A WORD!!!!!
with crystals dangling from the ceiling like
stars. This place overlooked the valley of the Dekry.
GIRL TREE: What the forkin’
hell is the Dekry?
QUEEN ARAGORN: It’s in Legolas’ bedroom. They always are.
SSMICHL: Under the covers.
QUEEN ARAGORN: I wanna know how
Legolas got out of Middle-earth.
High snowy mountains surrounded the valley. As the sun roused and
set,
SSMIHCL: The sun WHAT???
QUEEN ARAGORN: Hmmm.
This sun gets more action than you do.
SSMICHL: No one gets more
action than I do!!!
TABACHKA: Oh, we know.
QUEEN ARAGORN: Except your mom.
it made them glow a red color and at night when the moon roused they
glowed a blue eerie color.
TABACHKA: It’s not only the sun, but the moon too!
SSMIHCL: (sings)
Blue moon, I see you standing there -
The village surrounded the palace. Its people were friendly
towards all folk and always lent a helping hand to everyone.
SSMIHCL: Blah blah blah.
QUEEN ARAGORN: What exactly is this hand helping?
SSMIHCL: Your mom, last night.
Inside the palace there were hanging gardens and big crystal and mythril fountains with waters that were so crystal clear
you could see through them until the other end of the fountain. The palace had
halls upon halls of different rooms and places,
ALL: o_0
the next even more beautiful than the last. The people of this
kingdom were a special kind of elves.
QUEEN ARAGORN: Special ED!
TABACHKA: Special Elven ed.
SSMIHCL: Except it wouldn’t be ed,
it would be something like elodvien.
QUEEN ARAGORN: You SO cannot speak Elvish. And that’s dumb.
SSMIHCL: Silly squirrel, trix are for—argh! My eye!!!
These elves were more violent and more intone with they’re
instincts.
ALL: Intone?
TABACHKA: They are instincts?
GIRL TREE: They’re not Elves, they’re instincts? I’m confuzzled!
TABACHKA: Of course they’re not Elves. They’re inhabitants of a Mary-Sue world!
SSMIHCL: SEX!
GIRL TREE: You.
Need help.
ALL: RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY!
They were called the Drakan from the
TABACHKA: Imaginative.
SSMIHCL: Sexy.
QUEEN ARAGORN: Not existing in Middle-earth!
GIRL TREE: I agree with all three.
SSMIHCL: *eats
Oreo* Yes, yes, yes!
QUEEN ARAGORN: You’ll have to pardon her for a moment; she’s
having an orgasm.
TABACHKA: I think it’s more than a moment.
These elves were not savages nor were they murderous, but they
were more brutal than the normal sindarin elf.
QUEEN ARAGORN: What about the Noldar,
and the Quendi, and the Moriquendi,
and the Funions?
GIRL TREE: Did they not just lend BIG helping hands?
SSMIHCL: Bunions!!!!
QUEEN ARAGORN: At least she didn’t say –
SSMIHCL: And SEX!
QUEEN ARAGORN: I stand corrected.
These elves had a presence within them. They called it the Draco.
QUEEN ARAGORN: . . . MALFOY!
TABACHKA: Usually, they call it a soul or something
like that. Well, they don’t call Malfoy a soul. But
they call the presence within them a soul.
QUEEN ARAGORN: (as the
Drakan morons) I
feel my inner Draco!
I am so ZEN!
The Draco were
the energies of they’re dragon guardians.
QUEEN ARAGORN: Now they are dragon guardians?
These guardians lived
inside them
TABACHKA: How big are the Elves if the dragons are
living inside them?
SSMIHCL: As big as your mom.
and were part of them until they died. Then the Draco
energy would take his or her soul and raise it to the heavens where they would
become a bright star.
QUEEN ARAGORN: (sarcastically)
Because when Elves pass, there’s no WAY they arrive in
the Hall of Mandos and are reborn when ready.
SSMIHCL: *sings*
Twinkle, twinkle, little star . . .
QUEEN ARAGORN: (as a Drakan moron) Hey, look at
the sky! It’s GRANDMA!
Here I was born a princess.
SSMIHCL: That’s the same as Legolas saying “I was born
a fairy”.
QUEEN ARAGORN: Legolas was born a Princess.
SSMIHCL: Like your mom.
One of two children my parents had.
SSMIHCL: Children, aka STDs.
TABACHKA: She IS one of the two children, right?
QUEEN ARAGORN: No.
She was grown in a test tube.
Sadly my mother died after giving birth to me,
SSMIHCL: Lucky her.
so I never knew my mother. My father, the king, never really had
time for me, what with the kingdom and all. The only one I had was my older
brother. He was an ambitious young man.
TABACHKA: No he wasn’t; he was an ambitious young
woman.
QUEEN ARAGORN: Draco, ambition,
dragons . . . are we seeing a Slytherin
connection? What about an Oedipal connection?
SSMIHCL: With your MOM! (pause) That makes
sense, too. I love that.
GIRL TREE: Sense?
The world is coming to an end!
He always had to get what he wanted and he would not stop until it
was in his grasp.
QUEEN ARAGORN: Rapist!
Rapist!
SSMIHCL: He got your mom in his grasp last night. (thinks) That’s
like Marley and breasts. “He doesn’t
stop until he has it in his grasp.” (randomly) I’m an
A cup.
ALL: *blink*
He always did strike me as an over power hungry individual but I
never knew he would commit such damage to our home. I was only 300 years old
when my brother went mad with desire for
SSMIHCL: Helen!
the
control over middle earth.
SSMIHCL: Damn.
He made the ring of power
ALL: o_0
QUEEN ARAGORN: These are slowly killing me. (randomly) I hate
you!
GIRL TREE: Sauron’s
SISTER! This is worse than the half-elf
half-eyeball girl!
TABACHKA: No it isn’t.
And shouldn’t SHE be a big flaming eyeball?
SSMIHCL: Talk about post-partem
depression.
QUEEN ARAGORN: Actually, Sauron was a Maia
like Gandalf/Olorin, and the Lieutenant of Melkor. So it
discredits this story AND your theory. (pauses) I rule all!
HA!
OTHERS: Tolkien geek.
and he was exiled from the kingdom
TABACHKA: Of big flaming eyeballs!
QUEEN ARAGORN: *screams* Nooooooo!
never to come back again to its beautiful halls.
QUEEN ARAGORN: With rooms
and places!
He vowed to return and take revenge over what had been done to
him. He brewed an army...
QUEEN ARAGORN: (constructs
witches’ brew) Two hairs from a
three-legged hound,
To
break the curse by which he’s bound.
A
pinch of white and golden sand,
To set
a plague upon the land.
When
fair is foul and foul is fair,
Brought
by crebain through filthy air.
Rise
up and spread your silent death,
‘Till
Mary-Sue draws her final breath!
TABACHKA: Shut UP!!!!!!
I watched as the armies began to swarm around the city, everything seemed to go
in slow motion as if it was some kind of spell.
QUEEN ARAGORN: (gleefully)
It worked!
SSMIHCL: (strokes
QA’a hair) Ooooh,
it’s warm!
QUEEN ARAGORN: Gerroff my warm frikkin’ hair!
I shook my head to rid these disturbing images from my mind
ALL: *nod
fervently*
but found that to no avail would they leave me, for it was happening
as I watched
SSMIHCL: Wow, lay off the LSD.
GIRL TREE: *hiccups*
that the city, my home, was being destroyed.
QUEEN ARAGORN: (monotone)
Pity.
Never again did my eyes fall upon the great walls of its
magnificent halls. Never again did my nose breath the
peculiar smell that came from the gardens into the castle.
ALL: o_0
GIRL TREE: SSMIHCL, have you been there?
SSMIHCL: Your mom was there.
I watched in horror as the
warriors fought valiantly to keep the city safe from the wretched orcs and the balrogs.
GIRL TREE: Balrogs? Random Balrogs show
up?
QUEEN ARAGORN: Actually, they were the Maia
that deserted to Melkor. SO they WOULD be on the side of Sauron.
TABACHKA: SHUT UP!!!!!
SSMIHCL: Shouldn’t the Balrogs
be on THEIR side, then?
QUEEN ARAGORN: No, because it’s “Sauron” that they’re
fighting against.
SSMIHCL: Balrogs are always
on MY side. Because they’re FLAMING HOT!
My heart sank as I saw my father being slashed
SSMIHCL: Slash.
Heh-heh. Slash.
and left for dead among the battle. I ran to him, trying to think of
some way to save the only thing left for me.
TABACHKA: What happened to her brother - ? Oh, wait, Sauron’s
her brother . . .
QUEEN ARAGORN: It’s like a soap opera.
~~~NOTE: At this precise moment in time, Tabachka and SSMIHCL were forced to go away. Of course we didn’t murder them! She left her shirt here.~~~
As I approached him I noticed his breathing was beginning to
waver.
GIRL TREE: Do you use WAVER in that sense?
QUEEN ARAGORN: *shrugs* Ewan
McGregor!
ALL: SQUEEEEEE!
“Father!” said Manarie. “Manarie,
my child, I am dying,
QUEEN ARAGORN: No shit, Sherlock!
go before it is too late...go to Imladris,
there you will be safe. Go to your uncle...”
GIRL TREE: Uncle?
So Sauron had an uncle?
QUEEN ARAGORN: Everyone had an uncle. To buy them presents and
molest them over the Christmas holidays.
GIRL TREE: Ooh! Lemme guess – Arwen is her Uncle?
QUEEN ARAGORN: *blink*
GIRL TREE: Elrond!
I meant Elrond! *cracks up*
“But father I cannot leave
you here-“
GIRL TREE: Sure you can!
QUEEN ARAGORN: (as Manarie) On second thought, I better
get the hell out. *takes family heirlooms and
money* Good-bye.
“GO! Save what is left of
my kin! You will be the only survivor, my daughter.
QUEEN ARAGORN: Then he won’t have any kin left after she
dies, so what’s the point?
GIRL TREE: Yeah, it’s not like she’s going to have wild
and passionate sex with anyone.
QUEEN ARAGORN: Just your mom.
GO! Before they catch you. Go! Avenge
your father’s and your mother’s death!
QUEEN ARAGORN: Didn’t her mother die in childbirth? SO to avenge it, she would have to kill
herself!
ALL: Yay!
GIRL TREE: You know, the whole AVENGE ME! thing is a bit self-centered. And he’s not dead yet.
Go! Avenge our people! ..... I love you Manarie....”
That was his last command as a father and as a King. I had to obey for his
sake. I kissed his brow and left, but not before turning to see him smile as he
faded. My tears could no longer be held back, and as I ran they slid from my
eyes into the marble floor. I ran for days and nights,
QUEEN ARAGORN: (sarcastically)
Because THAT’S wholly possible.
until
at last I collapsed in the forest.
QUEEN ARAGORN: . . . and
died. The end.
GIRL TREE: YAY!!!!!
I heard the trees around me whisper to each other as I heard orcs gathering around me.
GIRL TREE: KILL HER!
KILL HER! JERRY! JERRY!
JERRY!
QUEEN ARAGORN: Grammar is dead.
GIRL TREE: It was never alive in this story to begin
with.
As I blacked out, I saw the trees protect me, they stomped and cut
those orcs as they came, and they just stopped coming
all together. I felt cold and numb as I regained my conscious,
QUEEN ARAGORN: “As I blacked out . . . I felt cold and numb
as I regained my conscious”?
GIRL TREE: Anything wrong in this picture? Anything at all?
as the rays of dawn hit my face.
GIRL TREE: (as Manarie) Ouch! That hurt!
Never did I expect to see a solid wall of trees around me, the
only rays coming from very high up. They started whispering again and moved to
make an exit. I thanked them all silently but they heard.
ALL: *blink*
QUEEN ARAGORN: Because trees are telepathic. Of course.
As I stepped from between the trees I saw my city. It was but a
ruin now, no survivor could I see, hear, smell or feel. Indeed as my father had
said, I was the only one to survive. I turned away not able to bear the site
GIRL TREE: The site?
Was she carrying it on her back or something?
QUEEN ARAGORN: What’s the point of carrying a ruined site
around? Much like a
dead hobbit, if you ask me. Because I’m not into that sort of thing.
any longer and started the long journey to my uncle’s home.
GIRL TREE: *snigger*
Uncle Arwen.
Days and night passed
GIRL TREE: How can many days pass and only one night?
QUEEN ARAGORN: *shrugs*
GIRL TREE: Ha! So
there! Or, as SSMIHCL
would say, “Oh! What now?”
me
by like a thousand millennia I felt as tiered as I would ever feel in my whole
life. I passed through every plain, forest, river, marsh and bog imaginable,
until at last I beheld the plains of Rohan. But I did not stop for any rest in
my journey. My wild animalistic sense
ALL: *blink*
GIRL TREE: From wild and passionate sex? *blinks
again* I am so channeling SSMIHCL
right now.
drove me to my destination and I felt no
wariness was an undead.
ALL: *blink*
My clothes heavy and battered into a
million shreds barely covering my body.
QUEEN ARAGORN: So why are they heavy? You slut, you!
I crossed over the mountains. And I came at last to Imladris.
BOTH: Home of Uncle Arwen!!!!!
There in the entrance I
collapsed, not being able to take any more than I had endured. As I blacked out
yet again I felt the trees whisper to the elves. They said: “She has come” They
had known of my journey from the beginning. Elves quickly came around me but I
saw them naught. I only heard the trees.
QUEEN ARAGORN: They how do you know they came around you?
GIRL TREE: *sing-song*
She’s hearing voices in her head!
QUEEN ARAGORN: *sings*
The Phaaaaaaaaantom of the
Opera is here! Insiiiiiiiiiide
my mind!
*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^
P.S.: Sorry for any spelling errors that I might have done. I’m only human
after all. ^^
GIRL TREE: A very, very, BAD human! Or non-human, Whatever you wish.
QUEEN ARAGORN: Well, that’s it, folks! Let’s give a big hand for Girl Tree –
GIRL TREE: *waves*
QUEEN ARAGORN: Tabachka and SauronsparemeIhavecleanlovers, our special guest –
(Nothing
happens)
QUEEN ARAGORN: And ME! *nances, er, dances around*
GIRL TREE: Stop that or I’ll whack you.
QUEEN ARAGORN: And, last and least, let’s have a mediocre
hand for Manarie, Sauron’s Elven sister who is a whore and a refugee!
(people throw tomatoes)
QUEEN ARAGORN: And Half-demon half-angel, the girl dumb enough to write this.
(crickets)
PHAMTONIO: Sing for me, my Hangel
of half.
QUEEN ARAGORN: You!
OUT! *waves* And that’s it for now! Goodnight!