Chapter Seven: The One With All the Plot Twists

By Queen Aragorn (back again)

~~~~~~~

Homi and Chewy lay back, panting.

"Extensive analysis," Chewy gasped.

"Thorough," Homi agreed. "The data output was exceptional."

Chewy nodded. "And the results. The results were . . . amazing."

Homi looked down at him. "My hypothesis seems to be . . . correct. How does it feel?"

"Mmmmmm . . . positive." Chewy frowned. "I would run a test again, though. We don’t want our research to be inconclusive."

Homi grinned. "I think that’s an experiment I could . . . conduct. If you know what I mean." She glanced at him pointedly and raised her voice. "Do you know what I mean?"

He rolled his eyes. "Homi, the whipped cream knows what you mean."

"Just checking," she gasped, and dove under the sheets once more.

~~~~~~~

"Brian!" Mary screeched. "Brian! BRIAN!"

"Yes! YES! YES!" the gel-boy in question screamed.

"BRIAN!" Mary’s tone was explosive. "Put DOWN the Herbal Essences and GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!"

"Just a minute!" he called back.

"That’s what you said TWO HOURS AGO!" Frustrated to the extreme, Mary stormed into the bathroom and yanked back the shower curtain. "Get – AUGHHHHHH!"

A rather soapy Brian chased her out of that bathroom. "Hey – I was only testing the shower massager! Only TESTING it!" He hastily shoved the fish behind his back. "Sweetheart," he added, with a disarming smile.

Mary was not touched. "You had better be talking to the fish. Because I’m kicking you out, and ordering you never to come here again."

"But – but this is my apartment!"

She balled up her fists. "Are you ARGUING with me?"

He backed away hastily. "No! But . . . what about last night?"

"Brian, last night I came over here with hopes about us." She glared. "But instead, I sat and watched while you had fun with your fish and your blow-drier. That’s not much incentive to forge a relationship, is it?"

"It’s hard to tell you apart when I’m excited!" he whined. "Give me another chance!"

"You have until three." she snarled. "One, two -"

He scrambled around hastily, gathering clothes and hair products.

"FIVE!"

"Three, sir, three." He gulped. "Good-bye, Mary. I’ll always love you," he added to his blow-dryer.

And then he ran like mad.

~~~~~~~

"Excuse me!" Jenny shouted as she ran, flailing, through the terminal. "Coming through! Whoops – sorry! Excuse me! Oh dear -"

The stewardess gave her an icy stare as she dashed through the gate, scattering Llama Treats all over the tunnel. "Miss, the final boarding call was five minutes ago -"

"I’M HERE!" Jenny screamed as she collapsed into an empty seat. "You can go now!" she called cheerfully to the pilot.

"Excuse me." The woman next to her, heavily pregnant, was sniffing her box of Llama Treats with abandon. "I’m having a craving. Do you think . . . ?"

Jenny frowned. "Could we barter?"

"Half a banana sandwich." The woman shrugged. "I’m pregnant! I have urges!"

"Manly urges?" Jenny paused, reminiscent. "I knew a non-gender-specific gel-boy once who used to have sudden manly urges and attack young turtles with shaved heads in the orchestra hallway."

While she rambled, the pregnant woman had helped herself to mouthfuls of Llama Treats.

Jenny frowned and took of her fedora, settling in for a long transatlantic flight. I wish I had my Ranger, she thought sadly. Or my penniless sitar player. I could have made them wrestle in the restroom. And then –

Her lovely train of thought was interrupted by a loud beeping sound. She hurriedly unzipped her bag, turned her cell phone off, and slipped a few Llama Treats to her white mice.

Frowning, she recalled Helen’s earlier text message. ‘It has happened’, it had read. ‘Come now’.

Knowing Helen, it could mean only one of two things. Either the Fellowship of the Ring had finally consented to a mass orgy, or He-Who-Must-Not-Get-Laid had been laid anyway.

She suspected it was the latter.

"Excuse me!" The pregnant woman was at it again. "There’s a smell coming from your bag . . . I don’t know what it is . . ."

"Mouse droppings?" Jenny offered, holding it up. "They’re fresh."

The woman wrinkled her nose. "Unsanitary. Stewardess!" she called, holding her stomach and giving out a low moan.

Sex noises, Jenny thought. At least, that’s what someone with a one-track mind would think.

A buxom young lady in a white dress scurried up. "We prefer the term flight attendants," she said coolly.

"Well, I prefer the term GET ME SOME SERVICE!" the woman snapped. "DID YOU HEAR ME? SERVICE!"

The frightened stewardess, – excuse me, FLIGHT ATTENDANT, - rushed off.

"I don’t know what’s come over me," the woman sobbed, burying her head in Jenny’s fedora. "It’s so ter-er-ible!"

"Mood swings?" Jenny suggested, edging away.

"No," she sobbed, "I haven’t really had any of those yet.

"Oh." Jenny grabbed vainly for a new topic. "So! Were you vacationing in Chaillot?"

The woman shook her head. "I’m flying en route from Bulgaria."

"Vacationing there?"

She shook her head. "It’s my home."

"Vacationing in Buffalo, then?" Jenny suggested.

"Searching for the father of my unborn child."

"Oh!" Jenny toyed nervously with her llama-wool wrap. "Well! Enough about you. My name is Jenny. I’m a scientist and a concubine."

"My name is Khrystine." The woman patted her stomach. "I’m carrying an illegitimate soap child."

"Come again?"

"Never mind. I’m searching for the father of my child, a man called Chewy."

Jenny gasped. The gears began to turn in her brain, and in a second it was working again. "Marmalade – coffee mug – faluffa – it all makes sense now!" She drew her breath in sharply. "I can take you to him."

Khrystine shrugged. "That’s nice. When do you think we get our peanuts?"

~~~~~~~

Erica, Marley, and Rachel entered the kitchen well after noon, only to find Homi and Chewy sitting around in their underwear eating cereal. The crunchy kind.

Erica raised an eyebrow. "Well!"

Marley was more direct. "You two had sex! And didn’t invite me!" He pouted, which was not nearly as adorable a when Dominic Monaghan did it.

Rachel, who had gone outside to get the mail, rushed in with a jubilant smile on her face. "You’re back! Oh, I always knew you would come back to me!" She held a rock in her hand, stroking it softly. "Come on. We have some catching up to do." She and the rock scurried up the stairs.

Suddenly, the crack of a whip rang resonant through the air. Helen stood in the doorway, dressed tip to toe in black leather. She was flanked on either side by Mary and Jenny.

"You!" Homi gasped.

Helen grinned. "Me. And my sexuality."

Jenny pushed her aside. "Helen this is no time for fun. Erica, get the rest of the gang and tell them to be at Headquarters in 0800.6582 hours."

Erica gasped. "You don’t mean – the OLD gang?"

Jenny nodded. "The whole gang."

"What’s going on?" Chewy stood up and looked around furiously. "Homi, what does she mean?"

Homi took a deep breath. "Chewy," she said, "it’s time you learned the truth."

"And we finally had that mass orgy," Helen added.

>

Chapter Eight

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