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20 Foolproof Excuses for not doing an Essay

1. What essay?
2. I did it, but i accidentally tore it up
3. I haven't got any hands
4. I'm dead
5. A burglar took it
6. The 'Times Literary Supplement' wanted to see it first
7. Up yours, four-eyes
8. We're too poor to afford toilet paper and my father has dysentery
9. I was in a plane crash and we had to eat each other's essays
10. The police confiscated it
11. I know it all - what's the point in writing it down?
12. My desk caught fire
13. I'm undergoing a personality crisis
14. I posted it to you - didn't you get it? - huh, the Post Office these days, i don't know
15. I made this bookmark instead
16. Everyone says you're pregnant so i didn't think you'd be here today
17. You must be mad - you've already marked it and given it back to me - I got an A
18. Look, just get off my back, will you?
19. Oh God, i think I'm going to be sick all over you
20. Did you say you wanted me to take all my clothes off?

8 Foolproof ways to get a Detention

1. Go up to the detention list and add your name at the bottom
2. During French, while the teacher isn't looking, sneak up to the blackboard and write 'All French teachers are wankers' on it, then sneak back to your desk. Then, when the master discovers it and asks who did it, put your hand up and say, "I did, sir"
3. Go up to any games teacher and ask htem hte time. Games teachers are notoriously stupid and hate being caught out like this.
4. Go up to the headmaster at morning assembly, get your undercarriage out and say, "Look what's for breakfast, sir."
5. Claim to be a famous pop star of your choice and refuse to come to school unless you have a limo from your house and a dressing room full of fags, booze, drugs, etc and roadies crawling under your desk during lessons.
6. Phone the headmaster's wife, give your name, claim that you're running an escort agency from the school library, and say taht her husband is one of your most regular clients and that if you don't get �50,000 in used notes by morning break the next day, then you're going to the Sunday Papers. (Note: If you do get the cash you can buy a detention - everyone knows how corrupt prefects are.)
7. Sneak up behind the most frightening maths teacher you can find and make a sudden farty sound. Then shout "Crikey, what a belter! What did you have for lunch, sir?" Then when the casualty turns arouynd and says, "All right insect, fifty lines - I must not make it look as if the Math's teacher dropped on," say "Pardon sir?" and he'll lose his temper and shout "FIFTY LINES!!" Then, really fast, draw something like this:

...Then hand it to him holding your nose and saying "Here you are wiffy - fifty lines." The detention is a cert.
8. Before the school swimming gala, go to the local fich shop and buy a bucketful of crabs. When the great day arrives sneak up behind the Deputy Head before he makes his speech and put them under his char. Then, when he gets up to speak, leap up and shout, "Look out everyone - the Deputy Head's got crabs!" He'll grab his nasties and go red and at that point say "No sir, under your chair" ; then, when he says "Thankyou my boy, thank you. I could have been in for a nasty shock there, I must reward you, is there anything you would like?" say, "Yes sir, could i have a detention please?"

A curious incident occured on the public highway last night, when the police investigated a Yellow Ford Anglia which was apparently out of control. After a chase, the car came to rest in a lily pond, where the driver was discovered to be a hamster. In the passenger seat was Vyvyan Basterd, the hamster's owner. Although Mr Basterd and the hamster were both almost senselessly drunk, Mr Batserd was clearly the more inebriated of the two - this, he claimed was why he had asked the hamster to drive. Mr Batserd has been unable to comment since, as he is being sick almost continuosly. The hamster was found to contain almost three times more vodka than tha hamster limit and this morning magistrates banned it forkm driving for a year.