My usual reply is," Ronaldo, Ronaldo, first you must stop sticking your ass into the corner flag. Or at least do it correctly. I'm not sure if you have realised this, but you can't improve your game with an injured anus.

And Ronaldo asks," And why is that, oh Great Soccer Player and part time seller of porno vcds? "

"Because, my bald little friend, the anus is integral in the Secret of Game
Improvement: Homosexual Soccer. Let me tell you all how I discovered this amazing secret."

The Threat of Homosexual Rape

One hot and bright Saturday afternoon, my friends and I ( we shall call them Gavin, Jeremy and Jonathan to protect their anonymity ) surreptitiously entered NJC, in the hopes of getting in some practice before the RAI Invitational 2001 the next day. Although our head coach Ho Huachyi had rubbished the playing abilities of our opponents (" Tell you, the mamas don't know how to play soccer one." ), we felt that practice was essential to counter the Mama's intrinsic tactical advantage, should the tournament go late into the night. Our pre-tournament strategising eventually proved correct, for the final match of the tournamenet was abandoned because of " Cannot See mama."

So we set forth, formulating set pieces, practicising crosses, and shooting at goal. Inevitably, we hit the Plateau : after 2 hours under the tropical sun, we were burnt anad burnt out. Crosses were going awry, penalties were skied, sitters were saved.

It took the ingenuity (and some say repressed homosexual desires) of Jeremy to start taunting us into action.

As I lined up to take a shot at goal, Jeremy whispered into my ear. " Che, suck my cock if you miss this."

I looked at Jeremy. Surely he must have been joking. The prolific owner of the world's largest collection of Penthouse making homosexual innuendos? I wanted to smile, but there was a gleam in his eye. An evil, homosexual gleam. Then I remembered an offhand remark he had mentioned earlier: " Sure, I surf the internet for homosexual porno all the time, because it's so hilarious. " I cannot quite remember the context of this prior conversation, but I believe it had something to do with his quest for finding Bayee porno.

I glanced at his crotch as I prepared to take the kick. No! I must make this shot count.

And I did! Completely wrong-sided Jonathan. It was a spectacular goal, all brought about by the threat of homosexual oral rape.

It was Jeremy's turn to shoot at goal, and I had to return the favour.

"Jeremy," I said, " if you get this shot in, I'll suck your dick." This obviously excited him; his whole face lit up. I had meant it as taunt in return, yet he took it as a carrot (pardon the phallic allusion ).

I watched in utter horror as the ball curled beautifully into the top right corner. It was an excellent shot, without doubt, yet I caught the conspiratorial wink that Jonathan gave Jeremy.

Jeremy turned toward me and smiled. " Suck my dick! Suck my dick!" Jonathan and Gavin laughed." No! Double or nothing! " I shouted in desperation. If he scored the again, I'd be known as "Koh Liong Che". But if he missed, I'd get my reprieve.

" Ok. Double or nothin."

Jeremy was obviously excited, as evident from the increasing bulge in his pants. It was also to be his downfall: as he kicked, his engorged penis got in the way, and he skewed the shot away from goal.

"Argh! " Jeremy shouted.

The Law of Diminishing Hetrosexuality

Our shooting all suddenly improved, with these threats of homosexual rape. Yet we started to plateau eventually, for we were slowly becoming inured to the semi-serious threats.

Once again, it took the foresight and itching foreskin of Jeremy to save us. I missed a shot and he walked up next to me and gleamed his evil gleam. As I turned to face him, I felt my balls being grabbed. I looked down and saw his hand on my crotch; instinctively, I grabbed his balls as well.

"Oui, you weren't supposed to grab my balls. You missed that shot what," said Jeremy.

" You gay fucker. Let go of my balls first then I'll let go of yours," I replied.

" No you let go first," Jeremy said.

I felt his grip increase. So there we were, in the middle of the NJC field, my hands on his balls, his hands on mine, arguing.

Deciding that he could infinitely outwait me, I let go first, and he did as well, after giving me a very coy wink.

Jonathan and Gavin were flabbergasted, and played for their lives.

I felt that a taboo was broken, and that we now had the freedom to grab each other's balls at will. So homosexual soccer went from being a threat into an incentive.

Previously it was:" You miss this, and I'll suck your dick."

Now: "You miss this, then you can't suck my dick."

How to Get a Better Goalkeeper or The Law of Raping Jonathan

If you find that your goalkeeper is slacking off, or making snide taunts, like self congratulatory ," OOOOOoooh wwwhat a SSsaaavvveee!!!", you might want to consider threatening to rape his ass. This is more effective when all the players taking shots threaten to rape his ass.

We tried this on Jonathan, after much of his constructive criticism regarding our attempts at goal. (" You call that a shot?" "Wah, so powerful. Ptui." )

" Jonathan, if I get this in, I'll grab your ass," said Jeremy. We repeated similar threats, and sad to say, this brought out his excellent goalkeeping. Which is to say that we only managed to feel his creamy smooth, firm, yet supple, muscular, and toned cheeks about fifty times in total.

Jonathan, as we shall call him to protect his anonymity, was quoted after the afternoon's gruelling session. " I've never played with such focus and determination in my life! Not in RI, not in RJ, not even when the guys came to my house at 44 Holland Grove (S) 286717 to play GoalStorm. "

So there you have it, the secret to becoming a better player on the field, and a potentially lucrative part time job in Geylang. The downside is that you might be taunted everytime you step onto the pitch. Sensitive persons
might feel slightly hurt when the whole stadium of 50000 spectators is chanting " AH QUA! AH QUA!". But bear in mind your improved soccer skills, and let your feet do the talking. Bear in mind also, the Changi Village Ah Quas. They might be Ah Quas, but they're tough; if you disturb them, they will come and hoot you jia lat jia lat. That was a painful lesson.

A Caveat: When Homosexual Soccer Won't Work

Like all great secrets to improve your soccer skills overnight, the Secret of Homosexual Soccer has a few loopholes:

1. This obwviously doesn't work on players (eg. Andy Cole & Fabian Barthez) who are outright homosexuals from the start. You could grope their genitalia all afternoon without any effect, except for a small sum of money or a mass of sticky substance in return.

2. Fit Players like Gavin. We tried to grab his balls, but he just ran away, and we could not match his stamina. But NJC spectators were visibly shocked by the sight of a soccer player being chased by another around the pitch, with the latter shouting "LET ME GRAB YOUR BALLS!I WANT TO GRAB YOUR BALLS!
"

3. Girls. Unless the female in question has a penis and testicles, and while there is only one way to find out, Che warns that any attempt to verify the nature of a female soccer player's genitalia, might cause you to be thrown
in jail, where the other inmates will be more than happy to verify the nature of YOUR genitalia for their private amusement. ( See also cautionary note above on Changi Village Ah Quas.)

p.s. Have you guys seen any gay soccer porno on the internet? Seriously.