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Prologue

My sister, who is a big George Clooney fan (this is an understatement) received a standard 419 scam format by fax at her office. Being a generous soul and knowing my pathological interest in such things, she forwarded it to me.
As a mark of my gratitude for this gift, I decided to adopt the persona of Danny Ocean, Mr Clooney's character from the films Ocean's Eleven and Ocean's Twelve.

The format being used was a simple laddish ASEM. In brief it was as follows: "I am Adolphus Wagbara, why have you not claimed your $45 million that you are owed. Please contact me or it will be lost."

Who could resist. I contacted him. And unsurprisingly, he wrote back:

Attn: Danny Ocean,

Your contract appoved fund is US$45,000,000.{FORTY FIVE
MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS} as I can see in your file.

You should make sure that you maintain often communication
either by email or telephone,preferably telephone
communication due to my position.

Could you enclose your tel,mailing address and fax.Note,
the Government has not appointed any body or group of
person to represent her abroat as all payment is by
telegraphic transfer only after you sign and return HIPC.

Awaiting your speedy reconfirmation of the above
requirement.

Regards,

Chief Adolphus Wagbara
Senate President.

Heil Adolphus

Forty Five big ones eh? I told you I felt lucky. Look, I'm on business
in the USA at the moment but I'll tell you what I need you to do. Scan
in those documents from my file and email them to me at this address so
I can get things rolling here.

My details as requested for my US office

Danny E.R. Ocean
11/12 Bradpitt Boulevard
Los Angeles

Tel/Fax: 1-203-886-3150

I'll be going to Amsterdam next week but you'll still be able to reach
me by email. ((I ONLY MENTIONED THIS BECAUSE THE LATEST MOVIE HAS A SCENE IN AMSTERDAM. A LUCKY MOVE IT TURNED OUT...))

Look after yourself, Ok. Are you a family man Adolphus?

Danny Ocean

Attn: Danny E.R.Ocean,

I am 60 years old,with 6 children and 5 grand children.

It is against the law to scan HIPC and send to any
contractor.I can understand that you travel from one
Country to another which keeps you always busy.

Since you lack chance, I will assist to send HIPC with your
fund US$45,000,000 so that you can sign HIPC and then
receive your fund in Amsterdam? I need to have your USA
phone number even though it is used only a day.

If you are ready to receive your fund in Amsterdam,let me
know immediately because I can send the fund to Amsterdam
and you can sign HIPC and have your fund.

Urgent reply because I have to send the fund to Amsterdam
first thing tomorrow if you are willing to receive in
Amsterdam.

Immediately you receive this email,call me on this tel
because I don't have your tel no: 234-8036732499.

What type of business are you going to do in Amsterdam?
Awaiting your speedy reply.

Chief Adolphus Wagbara
Senate President.

Addie Baby,

I didn't realize you were an old guy. That's cool, I've never been the
settling down kind of guy myself so I don't know how many kids I've got.
Could be dozens, if you know what I mean!

Yeah, Amsterdam would be good for me to receive the funds. I'm meeting
two guys from Colombia there to close a deal on some international goods
shipments. If you can join us that would be great - we'll pick up a few
ladyboys in Dam Square and take a canal ride together.

You've got my telephone number Adolphus - I put it on my last mail.
Call me anytime - if I'm not available speak to Brad or leave a message.
Use the Code Phrase: "OOH BETTY" so I know it's
you.

Got to go, plane is leaving in ten.

Danny Ocean

Attn: Danny Ocean,

I am sending this message to tell you that I called you to
tell you that 3 of our Foreign contractors payment are
schedulled in Amsterdam and a Diplomat is moving this night
to Amsterdam.

He is arriving in Amsterdam tomorrow morning.The 3
contractors are already there to receive their fund in
boxes.Your approved fund,US$45,000,000 is also moving
tonight and you have to travel to Amsterdam and pend your
signature for release of the Two Boxes in which your fund
is contained.

Do not fail to sign HIPCin Amsterdam by saturday or
before as your fund is leaving this night with 3
contractors' fund as well.

This fund issured to be released to you immediately you get
to Amsterdam.

I would like you to call me because I have called you with
out success.Note, I am not coming to Amsterdam but the
Government official Diplomat who conveys contractors fund
abroad is releasing the fund in two boxes to you.

Regards,

Chief Adolphus Wagbara
Senate President.

Ado,

Looks like the Dam is the place to be this time of year, hell you people
move fast. I like that. I'll look forward to meeting your people there
this weekend after I've finished my meeting with Rico and Cortez.
Perhaps I could bring those boys along to meet your boys - they're party
animals and Amsterdam is the party-place. I'll be dining at La Rive
restaurant at the Amstel Intercontinental hotel on Saturday night, if
your boys want to come along then we can make an evening of it and I'll
pick up the tab. I'll be there from 8pm but the table is booked under
the name of my assistant Hugh Janus ((APOLOGIES TO ANY OTHER BAITERS USING THIS NAME, I NEEDED SOMETHING QUICKLY AND THIS IS THE FIRST NAME THAT CAME TO MIND)) so they should ask for him. I'll
provide the food and champagne, your people just need to bring their
lady friends.

How big are these boxes Ado? $45 million must take up a hell of a
space, and if it's all in two boxes the boxes must be the size of
container lorries. That's no problem by the way, I know a couple of
cockneys who work out of the Dam with their own ship, but let me know so
I can make arrangements.

Are you sure you called me? I didn't get any messages. Try me again
Ado, I look forward to speaking to you.

Hugs,

Danny Ocean

Donny Ocean, ((WHO THE HELL IS DONNY OCEAN??))

Look, the two trunk boxes are not big as you think.You
don't have to burther your self so much
because the boxes will be sent to the nearest bank for
transfer to your account after you sign HIPC.

You should meet the Diplomat today first before you can
meet those of your friends. ((NOPE. I WANT TO MEET YOU AT LA RIVE, SO I'LL JUST IGNORE YOUR PHONE AND FAX MESSAGES))

Note, I called you with out success but I will call you
again today,so wait for my call.

To delay the boxes and diplomat is bad,there fore you have
to meet the diplomat first.

He soppose to have arrived in Amsterdam but he never called
Nigeria.

Go and sign HIPC and receive the fund.

Regards,

Chief Adolphus Wagbara
Senate President.

Subject: You Incompetent Bastard

Adolph baby, I'm not happy with you or your loser diplomat friends. Are
you playing games with me? Do you have a set of man-balls or are you
just a frigging homo that can't do business with men? ((I APOLOGISE FOR THE HOMOPHOBIA IMPLIED IN THIS STATEMENT AND OTHERS THAT FOLLOW. THIS IS NOT MY NATURE I ASSURE YOU, BUT IT IS SOMETHING THAT REALLY RATTLES THE MUGU'S CAGES))

I told you on Friday that I would be dining at La Rive on Saturday night
and that I would meet your guy Andy Fish there. I had $5000 (US) in my
attache case ready to hand over to him. The money was ready for him to
collect Adolph! It was in my frigging hand. When 8pm came round and
Fish hadn't shown up I thought he was just delayed a little and my
friends and I waited.

By 9pm we had to order our meal, and Andy Fish had still not arrived. I
was embarassed in front of my Colombian business partners by making them
wait for their food. I mean come on Adolphus I was even offering to pay
for his food and drink, and the guy didn't even turn up to get his
money! What kind of business deal is this when your man doesn't even
have the courtesy to let me know he's not coming. Damnit Adolph I was
ready to pay the guy and get this business concluded and the half witted
son of a bitch doesn't even have the manners to let me know he wasn't
coming! He had my mobile number & he could have rung any time but no,
he was probably too busy cruising for male prostitutes around Dam
Square, looking for a nice piece of man-meat to fill his empty life!

Your boy made me look a fool in front of two very important South
American contacts of mine and I'm not happy about that. I want an
apology from Andy Fish, in writing today or the deal is off. No - let
me rephrase that. The deal is not just off, I will go looking for Andy
Fish and stick a rolled up La Rive menu up his ass.

You incompetent bastard.

Danny Ocean

PS- I ought to send Andy Fish the bill for all the extra champagne we
had to drink between 8pm and 9pm while we were waiting for him to show
up.

DANNY OCEAN,

Don't be annoyed.I want you to call him on the below no.

I told you to call Andy Fish because he is worried but you
didn't.

you said he should meet you but there was no number for him
to contact you first to know where you were,therefore,you
should have called him and tell him to come or you ask him
where he was lodging.

You should call Andy Fish now on this no: 31644482942
Do not be offended.Give me your mobile and I will call you.

Are you still in Amsterdam?

Regards,

Chief Adolphus Wagbara
Senate President.

ADOOFUS WAGBARROW

I am annoyed you piece of rotting flesh, your loser friend ruined my
whole evening. I told you on Friday I would not be reachable until we
met: did you bother reading my mails? Look, he's got my number tell him
to call me, I aint wasting any more time on that cross-dressing
butt-monkey. He calls me and he apologises or the deal is off. In
fact, yeah, when he speaks to me he'd better say "DANNY OCEAN I AM A
BUTT MONKEY" or I'll just put the phone down. OK?

Mr Ocean

PS- yeah I'm still in Amsterdam at the Intercontinental Hotel. If your
FISH guy wants to come and talk to me he can ask for me at reception.
DANNY OCEAN in SUITE ELEVEN. No more screw ups or this deal is history.