Here is what I wrote when I woke up:
"As though I live in a toolshed with lizards and I've swallowed the
wrong medicine, or I'm going crazy again even though I took what they
told me to take. I know I'm dreaming but I feel out of control.
Sometimes I am flying while I know my dreaming body is in the
toolshed/hardware store. But then I get afraid that I don't know what
I'm doing, it's going too fast, and I think I can't see enough of
what's going on. I'm afraid my real body is going to jump off a
cliff, off of East Rock. Then everything goes black but I'm convinced
that I've failed to jump, or maybe I have jumped but I was lucky and
landed in the water.
And everything is black and I am drowning. And I wake up in the
toolshed in the dream and I'm afraid and I want to control my real
body so it doesn't do these hurtful things. I feel afraid and lonely,
so I go looking for someone to comfort me. I open the door to my
bedroom and head down the stairs. At the bottom of the stairs I
notice the wood panelling is very intricate I think with wormholes
and smoothed as though water has polished it. It is very brown I feel
that the house is warm, and I have a terrible sense of peace mixed
with happiness and longing. As I walk through the house I realize it
is full of white votive candles, and I can see that my mother and her
beautiful children are having a picnic on the lawn, which has many
beautiful willowy trees, although the branches don't hang down, they
shoot up like cypresses. They are eating by the same sort of
candlelight, in this sublime white house in the middle of the
country... After savoring it a little, I wake up."
By the end of this dream I had been reminded of some comforting and
pleasant things that I love, such as the scent of lavender and other
herbs. There was a sense that I had arrived in some kind of paradise,
but it was unclear what I could do there, it seemed like I could not
touch things, or as though it was in a state of suspension. Almost as
if I had bought my passage there by promising not to touch. My dream
did not continue because I felt that everything was right, and so the
next step, which involved going outdoors and meeting my mother and
her young children, must be terribly wrong. I was afraid that
something would be amiss about my mother's voice or I wouldn't
recognize them, or the children wouldn't be her real children from
her second marriage, or that I was the picnic (I don't remember
seeing any food), or I was a ghost to them.
dreams 1 dreams 2 main
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