A whole holiday, the main focus of which is chocolate
Don't tell me you're *surprised* I'm in a bad mood...

Easter. Feh.

I'm not happy. I was thinking...well..okay..I was crying on the way home tonight and I realized something very odd. Instead of my usual apology/carthasis that Easter usually entails I looked back and realized I haven't dated anyone since Chris died. Well, not anyone *new* which is really an important distinction. I've been dating J since...I tried the O thing but knew that was doomed from the start, really.

So there you have it. I didn't realize until I was in my car, alone, how desperately afraid I am to attempt a "real" relationship.

I just want to be alone. Totally alone. Hiding under my bed for the rest of my existance. Which wouldn't be long if I didn't eat or drink water. I could just waste away gracefully (of course, I know it wouldn't be gracefully...I mean, have you ever gone without eating for just three days?)

So I'll be here. At home. Wishing I was anywhere else, but knowing it wouldn't matter, because I'm going to be unhappy anywhere I am. Because everyone is right. I am the asshole. I'm the bitch...I'm the only person I know who'd kick someone out knowing they didn't have anywhere else to go.

Starting a chain reaction that would leave me here, wanting to be alone for the rest of my life. If for no other reason than I just cannot deal with hurting anyone ever again.

People tell me I don't let them get close. Of course I don't. If they don't get close...they don't get attached...they don't get hurt. Ever.

Maybe if I'm really lucky I'll just sleep through Easter.
*sigh*

~Dryad~

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