Like me - You can't really tell if it's yawning from boredom
or screaming in terror...

But who watches the watchers?
and more importantly
How do you catalyze a catalyst?

By golly, by gum, it seems I have found a catalyst. Someone who's mere presence in my presence causes things to happen much faster than they usually would.

This person also has the amazing added side benefit of not being attracted to me in any way shape or form! He likes skinny little goth-y chicks! I'm so thrilled! As a woman, I feel I'm somehow not doing my job when I reread that first line...Like by being happy about something like that I'm not towing the line, or something crazy like that. He's tall, he's got long brown hair, looks like my personal rendition of "bad boy" Jesus. He's so off the scales not my type that I'm thrilled beyond all measure! Why? He's nifty. He is sardonic, acidic, has a great personality, is a little haywireball of energy...

At the risk of protesting too much, I am so psyched this guy does not like me.

Kristi did another tarot reading for me last night (Um, yeah, don't forget it's the Sacred Circle Tarot...that crap makes like no sense sometimes...the cards don't correspond to the Rider Waite, and I get all lost n stuff...). It said....
1 - Queen of Cups - I'm a deep spiritual woman that everyone wants.
2 - Imagination - What's crossing me is something waydeep in my poor little brain
3 - Recent past - Discontent. Not happy with my life. Know I could do better.
4 - The Moon - My current situation is my subconscious coming to the forefront...forcing me to deal with an issue that hasn't been resolved.
5 - Suffering - What's brought me to where I am today (no shock there, my people)
6 - Sacrifice - Also known as "the Hanged man" this is my immediate future...I'm going to cut the cord...
7 - The Sun - My attitude regarding the whole situation. i forget what it means. Something about action I assume, since the moon is all about deep subconsious thought.
8 - Recovery - How others see me ... I'm getting the hell over it already, they think...
9 - 10 of discs - Foundation. I want the ability to have long lasting strong friendships and relationships. I'm afraid I will fail. Miserably.
10 - 3 of Wands - I'm finally on the spiritual journey the last ten tarot readings have been saying I need to start...so I'm doing something right...I just need to cut the cord.

For a long time I thought I was supposed to forgive...but I did...and it was still there. I was afraid I would have to stop loving, I cannot do that. Now it seems it's not that severe a situation. I just have to jump the guilt hurdle and break up with him one more time, for good. It's so hard. I don't know what I'm more afraid of....that I won't find anyone that can replace him...or that I can...

Oh a relationship. I cannot imagine being afraid of anything more. Petrifying.

On a lighter note...apparrantly I need to revise my earlier estimates of "I can't live happily with anyone" "I cannot live happily with women" "I can only live happily with someone if sex is involved" or "I can only live with family" The new improved phrase that pays is "I cannot UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES live with a woman who has a man and is completely lost within him."

Oh...the hell I am in at home...I can barely stand it! They go from hiding in her room with the doors shut and the tv sequestered inside, or they are being totally differiental to me...holding doors, acting like I'm some kind of queen...it's disgusting really.

It also has to stop. My poor cousin doesn't realize something really important. Really really really important. There was a reason I didn't go to visit her when she lived in the Heights. She changes when she's with him. I don't know if she's that way with all men, and I'm sure she doesn't even know either, but while she's with...him...she is going to act this way, and it's going to make me ill.

Ill in the same innocent bystander way that I feel when I find out things like "Yeah, I bought a camcorder...no, my cell phone isn't turned on..."

Uh....okay....whatever....

I keep getting these girls connections so they can work in Chicago, and yet they still think like they're in the damn ghetto makin 6 bucks an hour or something. I still remember Mandy saying how awful Kathy was for not chipping in for AOL at all, stating "Yeah, I know it's not a lot of money, but it's the principal of the thing." I *know* I don't have to tell you who hasn't given me anything toward AOL since we moved in together...

As usual, I don't care...until I think I'm being undervalued as a friend or family member, then I come out of my corner with my claws flying.

Okay, okay...sheesh..you people are such sticklers for honesty. I don't come out with my claws flying...I just don't say or do anything. Well, I changed the password on my main computer system. I think it just put me over the edge that whatshisname spent another Sunday night at the apartment. You people take for granted the fact that you can probably walk from your bed to the bathroom naked, I do not want the first thing I do in the morning to be search for a stupid robe, because he's not smart enough to stay in the back where he belongs.

I'm sneaky and cunning, and I'm passive agressive. I think communication is stupid, once the original ground rules are set up. As long as I'M following the rules, it's up to YOU - THE OTHER PERSON to approach me. She never said "Hey, is it okay if my ewok boyfriend spends the night in WHAT'S PARTIALLY YOUR APARTMENT four or five nights a week?" She doesn't ask because she knows I'd say "Why yes, it bothers me a lot that your ewok that doesn't own his own car or his own place stays here and leaves dirty dishes all over the damn place four or five days a week"

September...I just need to make it until September....

Oh, I also have to do my taxes. I'm doing federal, not state. State can wait until I get my work bonus in December and can go into HR block and say "Hey! You! Do my Taxes!"

State forms (when you work in one state, live in another, and the states don't have a reciprocial agreement) is far too much hassle for me to do on my own.

Later....

Another one of my bosses is leaving. This is supposed to happen every two years, but for some reason it seems to be happening more and more frequently. I so cannot deal with this. I don't need seperation anxiety at work. Especially since all my bosses are male and I'm getting this "It's not you, it's us" vibe from them, and it feels like a breakup every time, and I cannot deal with this. I want out. Totally and completely. I'm a secretary, not a revolving door...The only problem? If I want a sweet secretarial gig, I need to lose weight. The big bucks in my industry isn't *just* about the resume, as much as I would like to think it is.

Oh god. Maybe my work life and home life are just fine, and it's all just messed up under the "Nothing's ever good enough" clause. Oh no. I sure hope not. How can I know for sure though? I mean...oh, I'm not going to get lost in that part of my head while I'm at work. I do not need that kinda mess right now.

Oh, I have *such* a cough that won't go away...ah well, what does not kill us only torments us with neverending life! Hmmm...is that how that goes? Well, if nothing else I hope you are all proud of me for not reusing the Angel picture yet again at the top of the screen. I can't think of anything that is really appropriate for this entry, possibly a sleeping puppy, because I'm dog-tired ... of everything going on in my life.

~Dryad~

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