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I have chosen to rest in Him and He in turn has taken me on an exceptional venture of faith. I have learned to depend on Him every minute of every day. My prayer time with Him is never ceasing. I depend on Him so very much, as I think He wants from us. It is human nature not to depend on Him for we want to be in control, but for me there is no other choice. To choose otherwise would mean to enter a place that is so dark, so overwhelming sad, and to stay there long not living becomes an option. I choose to live and to be the best I can be for Christ.
Few people pause to consider how their childless acquaintances feel about the circumstances nor do they have a close enough relationship with them to discuss the matter. People really don�t know what to say. I have learned not to expect people to understand how I feel. No two people who suffer from infertility suffer the same. No childless individual or couples have the same experiences or reactions, only a common reality to face. Many of the childless suffer greatly without anyone being aware of it. They are undergoing pain on several levels at once: psychological, emotional, physical, spiritual-even financial. And much of it is silent, personal, and lonely. For couples that have children to understand the grief that penetrates the lives of a childless couple is next to impossible.
During my life I have read articles about some of the most stressful, life changing things that can happen in ones life. Death of a loved one, moving, changing jobs are at the top of the list. One event that I have not found on that list is infertility and what are the emotions that come with infertility. It was not until I read Vicky Love�s book that I fully understood. Grief is associated with the death of a loved one, someone that lived. Grief for the childless is �nobody lived.� And this grief has a life altering impact on ones life. It is like no grief I have ever experienced. I lost my mother in 1977 and my father in 1985. The grief associated with their deaths, over time, subsided and eventually the grief was gone. The grief associated with infertility never goes away. It is always present at some level. Some of the basic things in life � the appearance of a pregnant woman, mothers comparing notes, a father playing with his children, the cry of a baby, the laughter of children � can bring a inner sting to the spirit of the childless, to cause their eyes to fill with tears. The tears are not those of feeling sorry for ourselves, rather because we feel afresh the pangs of grief. Occasion such as baby showers, wedding showers, weddings graduations, to holidays like Mother�s Day (since my own mother is deceased this day can be overwhelming), Father�s Day, Thanksgiving, and Christmas can bring about a flood of feelings. Each person has to confront each occasion as they happen. For me personally, I make no commitment. If I feel that I can cope with a particular occasion then I will go. If it is a RSVP then I usually will not go. To go shopping for baby items in itself can bring about an array of feelings that can be overwhelming. Each season of life introduces me to a different grief, so Taking One Day At A Time; sometimes one minute at a time with the Lord is my strategy of survival. What is more lonely and frustrating is the fact that the grieving process may not be experienced at the same time by couples. The one that has lost the reproductive ability may go through the process first, while the other partner may not experience the grieving process until a later time. And if they have not really suffered a major death in their family they may not understand what they are feeling is grieving. Grief in the hands of God works its own beauty deeply into our beings. God alone can orchestrate good grief.
The childless can take comfort in the fact that Christ is well acquainted with grief as portrayed in Isaiah 53:3. I had a choice to make. To be Christ like in my childlessness, becoming compassionate as Christ - or not. Through Christ my ability to console knows no bounds; I am able to comfort people in any kind of trouble, whatsoever. I truly feel that is why I have the job that I have. The people that come into my office are facing the death of a spouse, putting a parent in the nursing home, facing become homeless, health problems and some have been diagnosed with a terminal illness. My prayer each day is to be Jesus to someone. There is hardly a day that goes by that I am able to reach out to someone that needs comforting. Sometimes no words are even spoken, just a shared tear or a hug. I have been to the depths of sadness with Christ; I passed through and I know that others may pass through safely as well.
What would I take for my journey with Christ? I have given that much thought. I would not trade being able to have children (or anything else) for my relationship with my Lord. Even though it has been a struggle, it has been a worthwhile fight � a fight of faith. I cannot afford to lose my spiritual footing in what is a lifelong spiritual, emotional, intellectual and physical struggle. I know from a place deep within my soul that my Heavenly Father weeps with me when the tears swell up, feels my sorrow when a child�s life is taken by their own parents and knows the joy I have when I reach out to someone who needs comfort and they feel better for having meet me. Oh what unspeakable joy.
For those who read this and suffer from childless and do not know Jesus my prayer is that this will open your heart to Him. �For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.� If you want to know more about my relationship with Jesus or just want to chat you can email me at [email protected]. To those who know Jesus and childless I pray that this gives you a different outlook if your journey at this time is a struggle. To those who read this and have children (give them an extra big hug today) I pray that this gives you some insight to the ongoing struggle that the childless face each day. Don�t give them some off the cuff remark; give them a hug. Remarks like �you have been spared a lot of grief and sorrow� are like a drop of rain the ocean. Meaningless.