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Surviving Infertility Page 1 There is no pain I know as crushing and potentially destructive as infertility, no human experience that every day, every month, for the rest of a woman�s life, reminds her of the grief. The loss. The shattered dream. The defectiveness. The empty place (Childless Is Not Less, by Vicky Love). The mere thought of living life without a child does not initially strike as a revelation but rather, as impenetrable darkness. In order to survive childlessness without bitterness, I had to cultivate a thankful spirit. I chose the word surviving because infertility is something that one has to persist through everyday. Infertility is part of who you are. Infertility never goes away. You wake up with infertility and you go to sleep with infertility. Infertility affects your life in some way everyday. The book by Vicky Love gave me some insight into infertility. Her journey like most of us is different from mine. I am sharing my experience as it may help someone. Finding out that I could not have children came later in my life. I did not even try to have children until Roy and I got married in 1985. I turned 37 in May of 1985. We tried for over a year to conceive, but nothing. Making that initial appointment with a doctor brings the possibility of infertility into the picture. Making that phone call would change our lives forever. There is nothing private during the quest to find out where the problem lies and how to fix it. The male undergoes a genital examination and submits a semen sample for testing. Once the results of the tests are known, the direction of treatment is determined. There are monthly exams for the woman. She is poke, swabbed, given temperature charts, have hormone treatments, exploratory surgery and given fertility drugs. Infertility is all consuming. As soon as your wake up, before your feet hit the ground, you are taking your temperature and charting it. Lovemaking ceases to be spontaneous; it becomes a chore. You are suffering from side effects of the fertility drugs. You are no longer a couple, there is a third party involved, your doctor. And at times it seems that the doctor has more control over your life than you do as a couple. Roy and I had no guidance during this time. There is no kind of preparation to help cope with the stress of infertility. No role models that you can learn the art of living a satisfying life while coping with infertility. Eventually, you have to decide on your own at what point not to continue. At what point are you messing in God�s territory. What if God�s plan for you does not include children? You have to put your faith and hope in the Lord. Roy and I decided to have faith in God. There was an overwhelming sense of relief when we got our life back. But also a tremendous amount of sadness darkened our door. In our society children are the blessings of a marriage � the common link that brings people together. This is God�s ordained purpose for man: Life, love, marriage, reproduction, child-rearing and the children�s leaving home to establish their own homes and families. If that is so, where does that leave the childless couple. Is their marriage doomed not to be blessed? Are they left out of God�s perfect plan? I have learned to trim the time devoted to such questions down to a slim moment. This common link; children, grandchildren, reaches into every aspect of life. Those who have no children because of infertility do no fit into the lives of those who have children. I personally feel that in Genesis 1:26 God expressed His intent for man. �Let Us (Father, Son and Holy Spirit) make mankind in Our image, after Our likeness�� The same design is found in the New Testament. �And we know that in all things God works for the food of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers� Romans 8:28-29. This tells me that God�s destiny for all of us is: to be conformed to His image, His likeness. The word of God says that He (God) is like Jesus. We are to be Christ like. Remember, Jesus was single, He did not have children. All of my time can be spent on asking �Why?� or �Why me?� or �Why us?� I have decided not to keep railing against God, but to rest in Him. During the medical process of infertility and MAPP classes (to qualify for TDHS foster to adopt program) I saw first hand that second guessing God was self-destructive. The whole process of infertility to some of the people Roy and I meet was all consuming. |
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