Title: The SG:A Mary Sue Of Doom!
Author: Dru
Pairing: Sheppard/McKay
Summary: I end up on Atlantis and get two of my favorite boys together.
Archive: HELL NO! Who'd in their right mind would want to archive this insanity?!?!
Rating: I'm gonna make it R for safety sake but I don't think they'll be anything too horribly bad though. Ok maybe some cursing. Ok maybe a lot of cursing! And Sex. Ok yeah there's sex.
Parts: 1/1
Status: Complete
Website: http://www.geocities.com/dru_evilpointybiteyone
Disclaimer: I do not own anyone of SG:A but I DO own me. I'm all mine!
Authors notes & Warnings: Ok so Gem gave a challenge to write a SG:A Mary Sue and I so TOTALLY had NO intention of doing it till I read Gaia's then a freaking HUGE plot bunny appeared and bit me and my Rodney muse and Mary Sue muse started poking me with sticks. Damn you both! WARNING for Mary Sue and the twisted insanity that can only come from my warped brain. Not Beataed just spelled checked and read over a few times so be ready to cringe! Oh and I'm really, really, REALLY bad at sex scenes. Forgive me! Erm and I may have gone a little wild with quoting Internet Bumper Stickers...
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She started to stretch then frowned when her arms won't lift from her side. ~Bondage? Kinky. Ok weird...yeah there was that one fantasy and yeah that other one...and that one... and that one Mary Sue fic I wrote but....~
She opened her eyes and lifted her head to look around. She blinked and would have been rubbing her eyes if she could lift her arms. ~Ooookkkk. Where the hell am I?! It looks sorta like a hospital but what would I be doing in a hospital?! And why am I in restraints? And why am I wearing nothing but pajama pants and a sports bra?! I gotta start wearing more to bed! Holy fucking god this means people saw me like this! People saw my unshaven legs and.... not thinness! People saw me almost naked! Oh god where is a train when you need to be run over?!~
"Ah so you're awake I see! Good. Now maybe we can get some answers." Her panic over being seen mostly naked fades as she she switches to shock.
Major John Sheppard. Standing. Standing next to the bed. In the flesh! "Sweet Aphrodite's frilly pink nighty! I-I-I must be in a Mary Sue!"
Major Shepperd frowned. "Eh what? Never mind! Who are you? How'd you get here? What are you doing here?"
She stared blankly at him then raised an eyebrow. "Hey I happen to have a few questions my self bub! Why am I here? Are you really anorexic? How'd I get here? Are you sleeping with McKay? Why am I tied down? Why aren't I wearing any clothes?! Why are you looking at me like that?!"
~Muhahahahahahaha! I am A Mary Sue! I HAVE THE POWER! I can use my great knowledge and power to bend the universe to my will! Oooh! Maybe I have my goddess powers from my Xena Mary Sue! Maybe this is a squeal!~ She closed her eyes tightly concentrating trying to do what she wrote in her fics then peeks and pouted when nothing happened. ~Damn. Not a goddess. Guess I'll just have to settle for great all knowing knowledge.~
John was still gawking over that questions she'd just asked him. "McKay?! Did you just ask me if I was sleeping with McKay?!"
"Caught on to that huh?" She asked with a grin as he focused in on the McKay question ignoring the others.
"Why they hell would you ask something like that?! And how the fuck do you even know who McKay is?" John was getting pissed. John was hot when he's pissed. So she told him that.
"What the fucking hell is wrong with you?!" John yelled.
"Ooooh are you gonna torture me? Oh maybe that's a turn on for you...we're you secretly in love with Steve? Did you fall in Rodney's arms for comfort sex when Steve died?" She asked him with wide eyed innocence.
John screamed in articulately and stormed out.
"Was it something I said?" She called after him.
---
She stared up the the ceiling and sighed. Ok this was getting boring. John hadn't come back and no one else had shown up either. She was going to have to pull out the big guns and force them out of hiding.
She cleared her thought and started to sing. Loudly. And Badly. "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves! I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves! I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and this is how it goooooes! Da da da! I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves! I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves! I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and this is how it goooooes! Da da da! I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves! I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves! I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and this is how it goooooes! Da da da!" She sang as loudly as she could and since she wasn't a good singer normally, yelling at the top of her lungs didn't improve things.
She didn't really know if this would work. If Shep was like the one in he fanfic he'd actually LIKE the song and just sing along and she very well might be risking getting murdered by everyone else on Atlantis. But hell she was bored and tied down so she might as well make everyone else miserable too.
She didn't stop singing but grinned when Rodney ran into the room wide eyed with horror. "For the love everything science will you stop that?! And what the hell did you do to John before?! He came racing out of here screaming like a mad man and babbling nonsense! Not that he's normally the most articulate but this was bad even for him!"
She leveled her eyes on him and stopped singing. "You want him!"
"What?!" Rodney gasped staring at her.
"You want him! There's like a big neon sign over your head flashing 'I want to throw John Shepperd down and fuck his brain out!' Anyone can see it! Soooo spill! Are you guys doing it yet?! How is he?" She asked grinning at him widely.
Rodney stared at her with wide bulging eyes and looked like he was going to fain-- err pass out. "CARSON! GET THE DRUGS! We clearly have a psychopath on our hands!" He screamed as he ran from the room.
"You know if you guys keep doing that I'm going to start to think you don't like me!" She yelled after him.
---
Both John and Rodney stamped into the room together. She grinned widely. She'd gotten bored and had been singing Lambchops song. "Hey guys! So where've you been? Having sex? Lots and lots of hot, steaming, sweaty, kinky sex?"
The guys exchanged looks. "I think she's a evil Wraith trick to drive us insane." John grumbled glaring at her.
"What? Don't be stupid! If the Wraith had the technology to just make someone appear out of thin air like she did they'd have already killed all of us!" Rodney snapped.
John scowled at him. "How do you know?! What are you suddenly the expert on the Wraith?! They could do it!"
Rodney raised an eyebrow and snorted. "Shh listen.... hear that? That's the sound of nobody caring what you think!"
"Huh I thought I that was the sound of a jackass braying!" John fired back.
"Huh well gee, I'd like to care about what you think, but I don't posses that gene." Rodney snarked.
"Keep talking I'm just going to take a little nap." John told him rolling his eyes.
"Oh sure go ahead I can carry both sides of the conversation cause ya know I think therefore I'm not you."
"Just pretend I'm not here. That's what I'm doing."
"People like YOU are the reason people like me need medacation."
"... and I should care why?"
---
They were both to focused on each other they completely forgot she was there. She grinned wildly. She would be surprised if they jumped each other right now. Snarking really is foreplay!
---
"I will have you know I'm a genius! I'm right and you're wrong! Just admit it!" Rodney yelled.
"I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't get my head up my butt." John told him smirking.
"YOU'RE WRONG!"
"I'm afraid you've mistaken me for someone who actually gives a crap."
"Do I need to fire a warning shot into your head?"
"How 'bout you go play 'drink what's under the sink'."
"Your village called, they're missing an idiot."
"I'm not as dumb as you look."
"Bite me!"
"Make me!"
"You are so infantile!"
"Don't call me infantile, you stinkybutt poophead!"
---
She was just debating on if some gas leak may have caused John and Rodney to regress into toddlers when John grabbed Rodney my the collar and kissed him hard.
She just managed to suppress a happy squeal as Rodney kissed back and they fell against the wall. ~Wow! My own real life slash!~
They were still kissing now clawing at each others clothes. Her eyes widened as clothes started to fly.
"Oh god John!" She nearly bit though her lip.
"Rodney!"
Hands ran over bare flesh as they fought for dominance.
John pushed Rodney against the wall and attacked his neck sucking his way down to a nipple and biting chuckling at Rodney's yelp before making up for it by licking it better.
He gave the other nipple the same treatment before sloooooowly making his way lower.
Rodney was gasping, moaning, begging and threatening but John paid no attention.
John ever so slowly started to lower the zipper on Rodney's pants. He was having waaaay to much fun driving him mad to rush this.
He slowly lowered Rodney's pants pulling them off right over his shoes, then slowly lowered his boxers pulling them off as well.
Finely he slowly reached out toward's Rodney's huge throbbing erection....
---
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
Dru sat bolt up in bed gasping wildly looking around her bed room before reaching out and whacking her alarm clock. "Damn clock! Argh! Just when he was getting to the best part.... God! Whatever I ate last night to make me dream that I gotta eat again!" She mumbled to her self before climbing out of her bed then frowned as she noticed bruises around her wrists.... what the...?
... The End?
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