. Buffy Season Two

Welcome to my Buffy Season Two Quote page! This is bound to be huge since season Two is my favorite! *squeals* Spike!!!

LOL I keep finding my self quoting whole huge sections! And like every line out of Spike and Drusilla's mouths!

So far I got the first ep up and will work on more later!

Check back often for updates! Click Here to go to the new stuff at the botom. WARNING! The link will lead you to a new part of the page everytime I update so don't expect to get to the same stop everytime you click it!

You're Amish! You can't fight back... 'cause you're Amish! I mock you with my ice cream cone, Amish guy!

I mean, they promised me they'd take me to St. Croix, and then they just decide to go to Tuscany. (exhales) Art and buildings? I was totally beachless for a month and a half. No one has suffered like I have. Of course I think that that kind of adversity builds character. Well, then I thought, I already have a lot of character. Is it possible to have too much character?

I mean, it's incredible. One day the campus is completely bare. Empty. The next, there are children everywhere. Like locusts. Crawling around, mindlessly bent on feeding and mating. Destroying everything in sight in their relentless, pointless desire to exist.

You're the Watcher. I just work here.

Oh, c'mon, you can tell us. We're your bosom friends! The friends of your bosom!

Tsh! Tell me about it. The other night I dreamt that Xander... Uh, I-it wasn't Xander. I-in fact it wasn't me. It was a friend's dream, and she doesn't remember it.

Peachy. So, is this a social call? It is kinda late. Or, well, it is for me, anyway. What is it for you, lunch hour?

Willow: Angel stopped by? Wow. Was there... Well, I mean, was it having to do with kissing?

Buffy: Willow, grow up. Not everything is about kissing.

Xander: (to Willow) Yeah. Some stuff's about groping. (to Buffy) It wasn't about groping?

Xander: Oh, hey, did you guys hear that Cibo Matto's gonna be at the Bronze tonight?

Willow: Cibo Matto? They're playing?

Xander: No, Willow, they're gonna be clog dancing.

Willow: Cibo Matto can clog dance? (gets a look from Xander) Oh, sarcasm, right.

Cordelia: Oh, look, it's the Three Musketeers.

They look at each other, not sure what to make of that.

Buffy: (to Xander) Was that an insult?

Xander: Kinda lacked punch.

Willow: The Three Musketeers were cool.

Cordelia: I see your point.

Xander: I woulda gone with Stooges.

Cordelia, your mouth is open and sound is coming from it. This is never good.

Well, that works out great. You won't tell anyone that I'm the Slayer, and I won't tell anyone you're a moron.

Could you contemplate getting over yourself for a second? There's no 'us'. Look, Angel, I'm sorry if I was supposed to spend the summer mooning over you, but I didn't. I moved on. To the living.

Cordelia: Buffy. (Buffy stops) You're really campaigning for bitch-of- the-year, aren't you?

Buffy: (turns to face her) As defending champion, you nervous?

Willow: That's what it was! I mean, why else would she be acting like such a b-i-t-c-h?

Giles: Willow, I think we're all a little too old to be spelling things out.

Xander: A bitca?

Because I don't trust you. You're a vampire. (gets a look) Oh, I'm sorry, was that an offensive term? Should I say 'undead American'?

So, are you gonna kill me or are we just making small talk?

It stays with you forever. No matter what they tell you, none of that rust and blood and grime comes out. I mean, you can dry clean till judgment day, you are living with those stains.

It's entirely pointy!

Well, we could grind our enemies into talcum powder with a sledgehammer, but, gosh, we did that last night.

Are you crazy? You don't just sneak up on people in a graveyard. You make noise when you walk. You stomp or... yodel.

'Danced with' is a pretty loose term. 'Mated with' might be a little closer.

Buffy: Then if you wouldn't mind a little Gene and Roger, you might wanna leave off the 'idiot' part. Being called an idiot tends to take people out of the dating mood.

Xander: Hmm, it actually kinda turns me on. (looks at Buffy)

Buffy: (to Xander) I fear you. (goes to the table) You also might wanna avoid words like 'amenable' and 'indecorous', y'know. Speak English, not whatever they speak in, um...

Giles: England?

Buffy: Yeah. You just say, 'Hey, I got a thing, you maybe have a thing, maybe we could have a thing.'

Giles: (sarcastically) Oh, thank you, Cyrano.

Buffy: I'm not finished. Then you say, 'How do you feel about Mexican?'

Giles: About Mexicans?

Buffy: Mexican. Food. You take her for food, for which you then pay. (sits at the table)

Giles: Oh. Right.

Xander: Simple deduction. Ms. Calendar is reasonably dollsome, especially for someone in your age bracket. She already knows that you're a school librarian, so you don't have to worry about how to break that embarrassing news to her.

Buffy: And she's the only woman we've actually ever seen speak to you. Add it all up and it all spells 'duh'.

Xander: Now, is it time to have a talk about the facts of life?

Giles: You know, I'm suddenly deciding this is none of your business. (starts up the stairs)

Xander: Y'know, because that whole stork thing is a smoke screen.

Stop it! What are you doing? (Eric takes another picture) We are under florescent light, for God's sake!

Eww! Why is it that every conversation you people have has the word 'corpse' in it?

Love makes you do the wacky.

Sorry, but I'm an old-fashioned gal. I was raised to believe that men dig up the corpses and the women have the babies.

Cordelia: It was horrible. Angel saved me from an arm. God, there were so many parts, they were everywhere. Why are these terrible things always happening to me?

Xander: Karma! (coughs to cover it)

Xander: (spots Giles) And speaking of love...

Willow: We were talking about the re-animation of dead tissue.

Xander: Do I deconstruct your segues?

He needs industrial strength therapy!

I just think it's rather odd (they sit) that a nation that prides itself on its virility should feel compelled to strap on forty pounds of protective gear just in order to play rugby.

Well, I guess that makes it official. Everybody's paired off. Vampires get dates. Hell, even the school librarian sees more action than me. You ever think that the world is a giant game of musical chairs, and the music's stopped and we're the only ones who don't have a chair?

And Now The begining of the best! SCHOOL HARD! SPIKE!!! *squeals*

Home, sweet home.

*You* were *there*? (chuckles) Oh, please! If every vampire who said he was at the crucifixion was actually there, it would have been like Woodstock.

I was actually at Woodstock. That was a weird gig. I fed off a flowerperson, and I spent the next six hours watchin' my hand move.

So. Who do you kill for fun around here?

Spike. You're that Anointed guy. I read about you. You've got Slayer problems. That's a bad piece of luck. Do you know what I find works real good with Slayers? Killing them.

A lot faster than Nancy-boy there. Yeah, I did a couple Slayers in my time. I don't like to brag. (can't keep a straight face) Who am I kidding? I *love* to brag! There was this one Slayer during the Boxer Rebellion, and...

Spike: Drusilla. (goes to her) You shouldn't be walking around. You're weak.

Drusilla: Look at all the people. Are these nice people?

Spike: We're getting along.

Drusilla: (stares at Collin) This one has power. I could feel it from the outside.

Spike: Yeah. He's the big noise in these parts. Anointed, and all that.

Drusilla: (to Collin) Do you like daisies? Hmm? I plant them, but they always die. Everything I put in the ground withers and dies. (looks up and off into space) Spike? I'm cold.

Spike: (puts his jacket around her) I've got you.

Drusilla: I'm a princess.

Spike: That's what you are.

Me and Dru, we're movin' in. Now. Any of you want to test who's got the biggest wrinklies 'round here... step on up. (to Collin) I'll do your Slayer for you. But you keep your flunkies from tryin' anything behind my back. Deal?

Drusilla: I can't see her. The Slayer. I can't see. (looks back up) It's dark where she is. Kill her. Kill her, Spike. Kill her for me?

Spike: It's done, baby.

Drusilla: Kill her for princess?

Spike: I'll chop her into messes.

Drusilla: You are my sweet... my little Spike.

Spike: (to Collin) So. How 'bout this Slayer? Is she tough?

Buffy: La vache... doit me... touche... de la... jeudi. (looks at Willow) Was it wrong? Should I use the plural?

Willow: No. But you said, 'The cow should touch me from Thursday.'

Buffy: Maybe that's what I was feeling.

Willow: And you said it wrong.

Buffy: Oh, je stink.

Where's the phone? I need to call the police. There's some big guy out there trying to bite somebody.

Spike: Nice work, love.

Buffy: Who are you?

Spike: You'll find out on Saturday.

Buffy: What happens on Saturday?

Spike: I kill you.

Who do you want me to be?

...those two losers who thought they were good enough for you?

They got sleepy.

And you got something a whole lot better.

We can't run, that would be wrong. Could we hide? I mean, if that Spike guy is leading the attack, (shudders) yeeehehehe.

He's worse. (they all look at him) Once he starts something he doesn't stop until everything in his path is dead.

Okay, that's it. I'm puttin' a collar with a little bell on that guy.

Drusilla: Miss Edith speaks out of turn. She's a bad example, and will have no cakes today. Shhhh.

Spike: (comes up behind her) Darling, are you going to eat something?

Drusilla: I'm not hungry. I miss Prague.

Spike: You nearly died in Prague. Idiot mob. This is the place for us. (leads her to the bed) The Hellmouth will restore you, put color in your cheeks, metaphorically speaking, and in a few week's time...

Drusilla: (lies back on the bed) The stars will align, and smile down on us.

Spike: (leans over her) And then, God, this town will burn.

Drusilla: (giggles) A pretty fire!

He rolls over her and lies down next to her. Drusilla: (hears the chanting) They're preparing.

Spike: St. Vigeous is coming up. Should be a party.

Sheila is tied up and gagged with her hands hanging from a hook above her.

Drusilla: You should go up with them and cleanse.

Spike: Dru...

Drusilla: The boy doesn't trust you. They follow him. (sits up) I think sometimes that all my hair will fall out and I'll be bald.

Spike: (sits up) Never happen. Alright. (gets off of the bed) I'll go up and get chanty with the fellas, but *you* (goes to Sheila) got to do me one favor. (takes Sheila off of the hook) Eat something. (hands Sheila to Drusilla and leaves)

Drusilla: (turns Sheila to the dolls) You see, Miss Edith? (cut to the doll facing away) If you'd been good you could watch with the rest.

Our new friend Spike. He's known as 'William the Bloody'. Earned his nickname by torturing his victims with railroad spikes. Very pleasant. Well, here's some good news: he's barely two hundred. He's not even as old as Angel is. (frowns) Oh. I think your suggestion of running away this Saturday might've been a good one. Spike has fought two Slayers in the last century, and... he's killed them both.

What can I say? I couldn't wait.

Nobody gets out! Especially the girl!

And the Slayer?

You don't know?! (lets go of the man) I'm a veal kind of guy. You're too old to eat. (grabs his head and snaps his neck) But not to kill. I feel better.

It's a gang on PCP!

Slaaayer! Here, kitty, kittyyy. I find one of your friends first, I'm gonna suck 'em dry. And use their bones to bash your head in.

Are you getting a word picture here?

(sing-song) Someone's in the ceeeeeiling!

Use your head.

You! Come with me!

Angelus!

I'll be damned!

I did. I'm surrounded by idiots. What's new with you?

Yeah. Come up against this Slayer yet?

People still fall for that Anne Rice routine. What a world!

Undead liar guy.

I haven't seen you in the killing fields for an age.

No, you never were. So, why're you so scared of this Slayer?

Yeah. Time was you would've taken her out in a heartbeat. Now look at you. I bet this, uh, tortured thing is an act, right? You're not... housebroken?

Don't be silly! We're all friends. We'll do it together. Let's drink to it.

You think you can fool me?! You were my sire, man! You were my... Yoda!

Not us! Not demons! Man, I can't believe this. You Uncle Tom! Come on, people! This isn't a spectator sport!

Fe, fi, fo fum. I smell the blood of a nice ripe girl.

Buffy: (holding the ax) Do we really need weapons for this?

Spike: I just like them. They make me feel all manly.

The last Slayer I killed... she begged for her life.

You don't strike me as the begging kind.

No. I've messed up your doilies and stuff. But I just got so bored. (smirks) I'll tell you what. As a personal favor from me to you I'll make it quick. It won't hurt a bit.

Now, that hurt!

But not as much as this will.

Women!

Hey, what's the deal with you being Spike's sire? What's a sire?

Cordelia: And if you get me out of this, I swear I'll never be mean to anyone ever again. Unless they *really* deserve it. Or if it's that time of the month, in which case I don't think you or anyone else can hold me responsible...

Willow: Ask for some aspirin.

Cordelia: And can you please send some asp... Hey!

Drusilla: Spike, did she hurt you?

Spike: It was close, baby, but...

Drusilla: Oh, come here. She pulls his head down onto her shoulder and strokes his cheek and neck.

Spike: A Slayer with family and friends. That sure as hell wasn't in the brochure.

Drusilla: You'll kill her, and then we'll have a nice celebration.

Spike: Yeah, a party.

Drusilla: Yeah. With streamers... and songs.

Spike: (lifts his head from her shoulder) How's the annoying one?

Drusilla: He doesn't wanna play.

Spike: Figures. Well, suppose I better go make nice.

I, uh... I offer penance.

I was rash, and if I had to do it all over again... (breaks out in laughter) Who am I kidding? (stands up) I would do it exactly the same, only I'd do this... (grabs Collin) Collin: No! Spike: ...first!

From now on, we're gonna have a little less ritual...and a little more fun around here.

Let's see what's on TV.

Sorry For taking such a huge break from doing these! I'm going to try to get back on doing them everyday. I'm going to try for at least one ep per day. So come back often!

Xander: I think the exchange student program's cool. (gets a look from Buffy) I do! It's a beautiful melding of two cultures.

Buffy: Have you ever done an exchange program?

Xander: My dad tried to send me to some Armenians once. Does that count?

Willow: You just don't like him 'cause of that time he beat you up every day for five years.

Buffy: (smiles) I better stop him before he gets in trouble.

Willow: I got it. The non-violent approach is probably better here. (goes over to Rodney)

Buffy: I wasn't gonna use violence. I don't always use violence. (looks up at Xander) Do I?

Xander: The important thing is you believe that.

Willow: (smiles) Are we still on for our chem tutorial tomorrow?

Rodney: Yeah. I think I got almost all fourteen natural elements memorized.

Willow: There're a hundred and three.

Rodney suddenly looks worried.

Xander: Typical museum trick. Promise human sacrifice, deliver old pots and pans.

Guide: Five hundred years ago, the Incan people chose a beautiful teenage girl to become their princess.

They take the steps up to a platform where the Incan stone coffin and mummy are on display.

Willow: I hope this story ends with, 'And she lived happily ever after.'

Xander: (looks into the coffin) No, I think it ends with, 'And she became a scary, discolored, shriveled mummy.'

Buffy: Oh! I know this one! Slaying entails certain sacrifices, blah, blah, bity blah, I'm so stuffy, gimme a scone.

Devon: Oz, man! What do you think?

Oz: Of what?

Devon: Cordelia, man!

Oz: She's a wonderland tour.

Devon: You gotta admit, the girl is hot!

Oz: Yeah, she's a hot girl.

Devon: Let me guess: not your type? What does a girl have to do to impress you?

Oz: Well, it involves a feathered boa and a theme to 'A Summer Place'. I can't discuss it here.

Devon: You're too picky, man. Do you know how many girls you could have? You're lead guitar, Oz. It's currency!

Oz: I'm not picky. You're just impressed by any pretty girl that can walk and talk.

Devon: She doesn't have to talk.

Oz just smirks.

Xander: Okay, no shirts with ruffles, no hats with feathers and definitely no lederhosen. They make my calves look fat.

Xander: We're in the crime club. Which is kinda like the chess club, only with crime, and, um... no chess.

Buffy: And, uh, what culture are you?

Xander: I'm from the country of Leone. It's in Italy pretending to be Montana. (looks Buffy up and down) And where are you from? The country of White Trash?

Xander: Hho hee ze thee ai uh...

Buffy: I can translate American salivating boy talk. He says you're beautiful.

Xander: (to Buffy) Hyav su.

Buffy: You're welcome.

Dawn: Where's Sven?

Cordelia: Ohhh, I keep trying to ditch him. He's like one of those dogs that you leave at the Grand Canyon on vacation? It follows you back across four states. (Sven finds them) See? My own speechless, human boomerang.

Buffy: How 'bout this one? What kind of girl travels with a mummified corpse? And doesn't even pack a lipstick?

Buffy: Come on! Can't you put your foot down?

Giles: It is down.

Buffy: One of these days you're gonna have to get a grownup car.

Xander: Have you seen Ampata? (Willow shrugs) What was that?

Willow: I shrugged.

Xander: Next time you should probably say 'shrug'. (walks off looking)

Willow: (watches him go) Sigh.

Ampata: Looks like you've been keeping secrets from me! (shoves Giles into the coffin) You're not a normal girl.

Buffy: And you are?

Xander: I just, present company excluded, I have the worst taste in women of anyone in the world, ever.

Buffy: I remember how I felt when I heard the prophecy that I was gonna die. I wasn't exactly obsessed with doing the right thing.

Xander: Yeah, but you did. You gave up your life.

Buffy: I had you to bring me back.

Welcome to The New Stuff as of 7/11/05!

Buffy: Her lover? I thought that was her chiropractor.

Willow: Because of that thing he did with her feet? No, that was personal.

Willow: I know! We could go to the Bronze and sneak in our own tea bags and ask for hot water. (smiles)

Xander: Hop off the outlaw train, Will, before you land us all in jail.

Willow: It's not a date, it's a caffeinated beverage. Okay, sure, it's hot and bitter like a relationship that way, but...

Giles: Oh, really? You yawned your way through weapons training last week, you, you, you, you skipped hand-to-hand entirely... Are you gonna be prepared if a demon springs up behind you and does this?

He swings his arm over her shoulder from behind, but she grabs it and pulls it behind his back, forcing him to bend over and wince in pain. She has a bored look on her face.

Giles: (in pain) Yeah, well, I'm, I'm not a demon. Which is why you should let go now.

Willow: Aren't you supposed to be doing your homework in the library?

Buffy: I'm dawdling (takes Xander's arm) with my friends.

Angel: What are you sayin', you wanna have a date?

Buffy: No.

Angel: You don't wanna have a date?

Buffy: Who said 'date'? I-I-I never said 'date'.

Angel: Right. You just wanna have coffee or somethin'.

Buffy: (hopefully) Coffee?

Buffy: Angel barely says two words to me.

Xander: Don't you hate that?

Buffy: And when he does, he treats me like I'm a child.

Xander: That bastard!

Buffy: You know, at least Tom can carry on a conversation.

Xander: Yeah! Tom? Who's Tom?

Willow: The frat guy.

Xander: Oh, Buffy, I don't think so. Frying pan, fire? You know what I'm sayin'.

Buffy: Well, say it.

Xander: I'm not gonna say it.

Willow: You lied to Giles.

Xander: 'Cause she will.

Buffy: Look, I wasn't lying. I was just... protecting him from information that he wouldn't be able to... digest properly.

Xander: Whoa! Whoa-ho-ho, rewind. Since when do they have orgies, and why aren't I on the mailing list?

Cordelia: This isn't about fun. This is about duty, your duty, to help me achieve permanent prosperity. Okay? Do's and dont's: don't wear black, silk, chiffon or spandex. These are my trademarks. And don't do that weird thing with your hair.

Buffy: What weird thing with my...

Cordelia: Don't interrupt. Do be interested if someone should speak to you. It may or may not happen, but do be polite. And laugh at the appropriate intervals. (demonstrates) Do lie to your mom about where we're going. It's a fraternity, and there will be drinking.

Xander and Willow come over to the table. Xander is munching on a power bar. Willow has a Coke.

Xander: So, Cor, you printing up business cards with your pager number and hours of operation, or just going with a halter top tonight?

Cordelia: Oh, are we feeling a little envious? You could belong to a fraternity of rich and powerful men. In the Bizarro world.

Xander has no comeback again.

Buffy: Do you guys wanna join us?

Xander: Nah, I gotta... digest and all.

He and Willow go up to the couches and sit down.

Cordelia: Makeup, makeup... Well, give it your all, and keep to the shadows. We're gonna have a blast! (smiles)

Buffy lets her head fall to the table. Cut to Xander and Willow on the couch.

Willow: I can't believe she lied to Giles. My world is all askew.

Xander: Buffy's lying, Buffy's going to frat parties... That's not askew, that's cockeyed.

Willow: Askew means cockeyed.

Xander: Oh.

He grabs her Coke and takes a swig. She grabs his bar and breaks off a piece.

Willow: Well, there's nothing we can do about it. We'll help Giles.

Xander: I'm goin' to the party.

Willow: What?

Xander: I gotta keep an eye on Buffy. Those frat guys creep me.

Willow: You wanna protect her?

Xander: Mm-hm.

Willow: And prove that you're just as good as those rich, snotty guys?

Xander: Mm-hm.

Willow: Maybe catch an orgy?

Xander: If it's on early.

Willow nods her head and pops the piece of power bar into her mouth. Xander takes another swig of her Coke.

Willow stares at the window in fascination. Angel casts no reflection in it.

Giles: (to Willow) What are you doing?

Willow: Oh! Sorry. The reflection thing that you don't have. Angel, how do you shave?

Willow: Buffy!

Giles: W-w-we don't know that it's concrete. Uh, let's not disturb her until...

Willow: Is there! With Cordelia. They went to a party at the Zeta Kappa house.

Giles: She lied to me?

Willow: (nervous) Well...

Angel: Did... she have a date?

Willow: Well... (Angel huffs) Well, why do you think she went to that party? Because you gave her the brush-off! (to Giles) And you never let her do anything except work and patrol! And I know she's the Chosen One, but you're killing her with the pressure! I mean, she's sixteen going on forty! (to Angel) And you! I mean, you're gonna live forever! You don't have time for a cup of coffee?!

Angel and Giles are speechless.

Willow: Okay, I don't feel better now, and we've gotta help Buffy. She hurries out of the library. Giles and Angel follow shortly behind.

Cordelia: There's something down there and he's gonna throw us down there with it.

Buffy: I don't think so.

Cordelia: No? Well, that's good! That, that's...

Buffy: I don't think we go to it. I think it comes to us.

Cordelia: (terrified) Ooohhhhhhh! No!

Giles: They may be involved in some kind of ritual.

Willow: With the missing girls.

Angel: (growls, vamped out) With Buffy!

Xander: Okay, that *is* the guy you wanna party with.

Cordelia: You did it! You saved us! (grabs Angel in a tight hug) I've never been so happy to see anyone in my whole... (lets go) You guys. (cries) I just... hate you guys! The weirdest things always happen when you're around!

Buffy: I told one lie, I had one drink.

Giles: Yes, and you were very nearly devoured by a giant demon snake. The words 'let that be a lesson' are a tad redundant at this juncture.

Buffy: I'm sorry. (looks at him for forgiveness)

Giles: So am I. I... I drive you too hard because I-I know what you have to face. From now on no, no more pushing, no more prodding. Just, uh, an inordinate amount of nudging.

Xander: Says here that they've all been sentenced to consecutive life sentences. Investigators found the bones of missing girls in a huge cavern beneath the frat house. And older bones dating back fifty years.

Buffy and Willow exchange a grossed-out look.

Xander: A surprising number of corporations whose chairmen and founders are former Delta Zeta Kappas are suffering from falling profits, IRS raids... Ooo, and suicides in the boardroom. Hmm. Starve a snake, lose a fortune. Boy, I guess the rich really are different, huh?

Willow: (to Buffy) Have you heard from Angel? When he got so mad about you being in danger, and changed into a (makes a face) grr, it was the most amazing thing I ever saw. I mean, how many guys can...

Angel comes down the stairs and over to stand behind Xander.

Xander: Angel, Angel, Angel. Does every conversation we have have to come around to that freak? (notices Angel) Hey, man, how you doin'?

Angel: Buffy.

Buffy: Angel.

Xander: (in a deep voice) Xander! (shakes his head)

Angel: I hear this place, uh, serves coffee. (Xander looks up at him) I thought maybe you and I should get some. Sometime. If you want.

Buffy permits herself a bit of a smile.

Buffy: Yeah. Sometime. I'll let you know.

Angel eyes her suspiciously. Buffy gets up and leaves with a smile on her face.

Ok I'm stopping here and moving on to a new page since this is getting to be really long and I'm only up to Reptile Boy right now!

Check back tomorrow for the new second page!

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