Chapter One
NeverMind © 2004
Orlando Bloom decided right then and there that he hated flying. Not only was it claustrophobic, it was dead boring. Sure, they played movies and handed out things to eat and drink, but at the end of the day, you still sat on your arse for however many hours. It was difficult to people watch because the flight attendants were usually too plastic to have personalities and you sat too close to people to be able to stare at them for any length of time before being noticed. Getting up to walk was pointless because people stared, or you had to squeeze past someone on their way to the bathroom, or you tripped over someone’s feet. And there was nowhere to go. Ooo, look at the fun bathrooms. Gross.
Orlando also decided on the superpower he would have if he were a superhero. He would cause people to not remember who he was just by looking into their eyes. Maybe he could get his hands on one of those things from the movie Men in Black. Yeah, that would do the trick. He never got to sit next to anybody interesting because of his fame.
He slouched down in his seat and stared out the window. You’d think the sky would be more interesting than this. He wished it had tangible substance of some sort, but no, it was just air. Maybe if he concentrated hard enough, it would turn into purple goo.
He rubbed his eyes. His ass was falling asleep but the rest of him wasn’t. He always hoped he’d just sleep through the whole flight – or even part of it, just to make it go faster, but that never seemed to happen. Elijah Wood always said he got on the plane at one airport and woke up at the other. He wished he’d at least been able to be on the same flight as Lij, then he would’ve had someone to talk to.
He was so restless he thought he might throw a fit just to cause some excitement. His ‘handlers’ wouldn’t be too pleased with him if he did that. Gawd, some days he really did feel like an exotic zoo animal. Oh, look at the pretty celebrity, kids! No, no, don’t feed him, he’ll get sick.
He didn’t want to go to this premiere. It wasn’t that he didn’t like the Lord of the Rings movies; he just wasn’t all that fond of his performance in them. It was amazing how much a person could change in a few years. He was glad he’d be able to see his friends again, though; he missed the camaraderie they’d had during filming. He ran a hand over the tattoo they had all got and smiled to himself.
“Anything to drink, Mr. Bloom?” a stewardess asked.
“A large bottle of cyanide, please,” he said politely.
She went to the cart and searched through the drawers of drinks. “I’m sorry, sir, we’re all out of cyanide. Was there something else you’d like?”
Orlando stared at her a minute in disbelief than said, “How about a Coke?”
She smiled, knowing she would get this one right for sure.
As he sipped his drink, he imagined the pilots having freak heart attacks and dying, leaving him to fly the plane and land it to safety.
“Excuse me, Orlando?” came a small voice from beside him, breaking his reverie. He looked down to see a young girl sitting next to him holding a pen and a piece of paper.
“Can I get your autograph?” she asked shyly.
“Of course, love,” he said, taking the pen and paper from her. “What’s your name?” he asked casually.
“Alexandria,” she told him.
“That’s a beautiful name.” She blushed. He thought it sweet that she was so shy. “Here you go then. Are you having a good flight?”
She just nodded. “Thank you very much.”
“You’re very welcome.” She got up and started back down the aisle. “Have a good day,” he called after her.
“Naow,” he thought in his best Crocodile Hunter accent, “This is a treat. It’s not everyday you can get so close to these celebrity creatures. Rememba, whatevah you do, don’t talk to them too much – you might find out they’re actually normal people!”
He was so grateful New Line had decided to do the London premiere last. It made his schedule nice and neat. He had been planning to go home to take a year off around this time anyway, so it worked out perfect for him. He’d miss California, that was for sure. They spoiled you rotten out there – and the women! Hot damn, they had gorgeous women there! Good times, he thought, good times.
He checked his watch. Oh god, they were barely halfway there.
It was just then that he heard a commotion from somewhere in back of the plane. Brilliant! Maybe this flight was about to perk up! He craned his neck around the seat to try to see what was going on. Two flight attendants were blocking the doorway into the economy class section, and one of them kept looking over at him. Another crazy fan? He wondered.
The flight attendant came over to him. “Excuse me, Mr. Bloom, I was wondering if I could ask a big favor of you.”
Uh-oh, here it comes. “That depends, what is it?” he asked.
“There’s a young lady in economy who is having a bout of claustrophobia. She’d done so well up to this point, but it just got to be too much for her. Would it be all right if she sat next to you for the rest of the flight? We obviously can’t land anytime soon and there’s a little more space up here.”
Hmm, a chance to be a Good Samaritan. Why not? “Sure, that’s fine. Anything I can do to help out.” Then he thought, Damn, I hope she’s not fat or smelly.
When the flight attendant escorted the young woman over, Orlando was pleasantly surprised. She was neither fat nor smelly but actually very attractive, in spite of the greenish pallor of her face. She sat down heavily and put a cold towel over her face. What’s this? She didn’t even look at him?
“Are you all right?” he asked her.
“No, thank you, I’m not.”
“Is there anything I can do to help?”
“Yes, please stop talking to me.”
Well, fine then, he thought to himself. Be that way. She obviously didn’t realize who he was; otherwise she wouldn’t have been so rude. Should he push the issue or just let it go? he wondered. He decided to let it go – for now anyway.
The advantage of this particular situation was that he was able to examine her closely while she had the towel covering her face. Her hair was shoulder length and curly, not quite brown but not quite blonde, somewhere in between. She was wearing a pair of khaki cargo pants and a purple novelty printed t-shirt that had the ATARI symbol on it. She had a simple watch on her left arm and a thumb ring on her right hand. She was wearing strappy brown sandals with a Celtic toe ring on her right foot. Her carryon was a red rucksack that she kept at her feet. He hadn’t had a chance to see what colour her eyes were or what her mouth was like before she had put the towel over her face. I hope she doesn’t sit like that for the rest of the flight, he thought.
He had to wait a half-hour before she finally took the towel away. He decided that he hated waiting. Much to his surprise, rather than turning to finally talk to him, to thank him for letting her sit next to him, she reached down into her rucksack and pulled out a small journal. She didn’t even look at him! She opened up the small book and started writing feverishly. He tried to discreetly read what she was writing, but she threw him a warning glance out of the corner of her eye and positioned her body in such a way that he was unable to see the book anymore.
Bugger. Just when he thought he might at least have someone to talk to. Well, he wouldn’t tolerate this. He was bored out of his skull and this girl had to be somewhat interesting – she wrote in a journal, that had to say something for her intelligence.
“Are you feeling better?” he tried.
“Yes, thank you,” she answered, her tone only slightly softer than it had been before. “Sorry if I was rude before.”
“No worries. I’m Orlando, by the way,” he said, offering his hand
“Nice to meet you. I’m Jade,” she responded, taking it, but not really looking at him.
“That’s a brilliant name,” he told her.
“Yours isn’t so bad, either,” she replied.
“Thanks.”
“Going home?” she asked, still avoiding eye contact and trying to continue to write.
“Yeah, for a bit. L.A. gets you kind of crazy after a while.”
“Does it? I wouldn’t know. I’ve never been there.”
“Where are you from?”
She laughed. “You wouldn’t know where it was.”
“Try me,” he challenged.
“Winnipeg, Manitoba.”
“Oh yeah, they do lots of movies up there. I haven’t been there, but I’ve heard it’s pretty versatile for sets and stuff – and cheap too.”
“Yup, that’s Winnipeg – Wal-Mart capital of the world. You’re in the movie industry?”
She had no idea who he was. Or maybe she did and was playing dumb. “Yeah, I’ve been in a few.”
“Like what?”
He looked at her intently for a minute. “You don’t know who I am, do you?”
“Should I?” she asked, puzzled.
“Lord of the Rings? Pirates of the Caribbean?” he prompted.
“Oh – you’re that…guy,” she said, finally making eye contact and sort of cluing in.
“That’s right! Orlando Bloom at your service,” he said, waiting for her adoration.
She just looked at him kind of funny. “Oh, I’m sorry, is this the part where I’m supposed to be impressed?”
Did the plane just drop in altitude? “I guess most people are.”
She shrugged and turned back to her journal. “Well, sucks to be you. I’m not most people.”
“Apparently.” He caught himself before getting too pouty. He’d gotten too used to being recognized and fawned over everywhere he went. “So what are you off to England for?”
“Just visiting a friend,” she said vaguely, trying to end the conversation.
“Boy, you Canadians sure aren’t very talkative,” he said, unable to hold back the pout any longer.
She raised an eyebrow at him. “You British sure are pretty nosy,” she countered.
“Well, I’m sorry I hate flying so much and am bored out of my head.”
She laughed at him. “You’re not gonna start pouting, are you?” she asked.
He crossed his arms and harrumphed. “No, you just go back to whatever it is you’re doing and I’ll just sit here and die of boredom. Just let me mum know that you didn’t do anything to try to save my life – you just let me whither away.”
“I see why you’re an actor – you’re quite the drama queen!” She was mocking him. “Look,” she said, closing the journal, “If it’ll make you feel better, how about this – if you can talk to me for ten minutes without mentioning your work, I’ll give you…” she reached into her pocked and pulled out two coins, “…four Canadian dollars.”
He looked at her incredulously. “Four Canadian dollars? That’s not much of a prize.”
“Hey, do I look like a currency converter? It’s that or nothing,” she said.
“Ten minutes is a long time,” he told her.
“Fine,” she said, reaching into her pocket again. “I’ll throw in a pack of gum.”
“And what if I lose?” he wanted to know.
“Then I keep the money and the gum.”
“Well, why don’t we up the odds and make it a conversation? I can’t talk about work and you can’t talk about Canada. And I’ll throw in four Euros and a bag of peanuts – winner takes all.”
“That’s not fair,” she protested. “The only other place I’ve been outside of Canada is England! And those are airplane peanuts, you should put up something you’ve bought yourself, you cheapskate.”
“I bought my plane ticket, didn’t I? Therefore, I technically bought these peanuts for a lot more money than you spent on that pack of gum. AND, if I can’t talk about work – which is more or less my life – then you can’t talk about a huge part of your life.”
She narrowed her eyes, considering the situation. “Fine,” she said, “But if we’re upping the ante, I think we should play a question-answer-question format. If you answer a question, you have to ask the next one.” She held out her hand, “Deal?”
He shook her hand firmly. “Deal.” He set the timer on his watch for ten minutes. “Do you like Canada?” he started.
“I enjoy school. Do you like your work?” she shot back.
“I like spending time with me mates. What’s your favorite place in Canada?”
“Personally, I enjoy the British countryside. What movie are you working on right now?”
“I’m going home to visit my family. Were you born in Winnipeg?”
“My friend is Lizzie Monaghan. Who is your favorite actor to work with?”
“Lizzie Monaghan! She’s the cousin of my mate Dominic! How did you meet her?”
“Over the Internet. Who is your friend Dominic?”
“A mate of mine from Lord of the Rin…”
“Ah-ha!” she exclaimed. “I win! Cough up the cash and the peanuts, mister!”
“Shite!” he said, handing over her prize.
“Wow, you were terrible at that,” she said.
“You’re not a very nice person, are you?”
“I’ll have you know that I am a very nice person. You know Lizzie, you can ask her. She thinks I’m fabulous.”
“My god, what a small world!” Orlando marveled.
“Freaky, isn’t it?”
“She never mentioned me…er, Dominic?” he asked.
She eyed him inquisitively. He had never had less effect on someone. “Maybe, I don’t remember. Said she didn’t really get the Lord of the Rings movies, maybe that’s why. Do you know her very well?”
“No, not really. I’ve hung out with her a few times. How long have you known her?”
“A few years. She came to Winnipeg to visit me last year so now it’s my turn to visit her.”
“Cool.” He shifted in his seat, trying to get rid of the numbness in his ass.
“I guess you fly a lot in your profession,” she said.
“Yeah. Can’t say I’ve ever warmed up to it, though. I take it you don’t fly a lot,” he said.
“No. I’m not very good with small spaces like this. It’s a little better up here. Back there I was smooshed in between a very fat lady and a very fat man and I thought I might ram my pencil into either my or their eyes. I had just about decided when a flight attendant noticed I wasn’t looking very well. I’d told them ahead of time about my claustrophobia so they’d been keeping an eye on me. Anyway, that’s how I ended up here, playing games with an elf for twoonies.”
“Twoonies?” he asked.
She pulled out the coins again. “That’s what we call our two dollar coins.”
“Why?”
“Because our one dollar coins have a picture of a loon on them, so we call them ‘loonies.’ I guess our creativity got used up on that one because when the two dollar coins came out, we just started calling them ‘twoonies,’ even though they have polar bears on them.” She chuckled and shook her head. “Gotta love Canadians.”
“Well, I can’t say whether I do or not. You’re the only Canadian I’ve officially met and so far, you’ve mostly been cruel to me.”
“Oh, please, just because I’m treating you like a normal human being and not gushing over you like a fool?”
“Well, yes,” he said.
“You’re funny,” she told him.
“I don’t recall saying anything funny.”
“Not like funny ha ha, more like funny weird.”
He screwed up his face. “You’re funny.”
“Thank you, I try.”
“Not fair. You’re not supposed to out wit me on our first date.”
“Oh, we’re on a date now? I didn’t realize that sitting next to you on a plane qualified as a date.”
“Well,” he said, “You’re good looking, I’m good looking, this is a ridiculously long flight, and we’re engaged in witty banter, I can’t think of a better situation for a date.”
“And how do you know I don’t already have a boyfriend?” she asked.
“Do you?”
“No, but I had hoped to pick up a dashing Englishman.”
“Well then, mission accomplished!” he said.
“And what, pray tell, makes you think I’m at all interested in you?”
“For one, I’m a famous celebrity, for another, I’m pleasant and charming, and for another still I’m one of the most eligible blokes in the world right now,” he explained.
“Mm-hmm,” she said. “Well let me tear apart your ego a little more, shall I? For one, I’m not at all interested in getting involved with a famous celebrity – I value my privacy, thank you very much. For another, you haven’t been that pleasant and charming – I asked you not to talk to me but you’ve hardly shut up since I’ve sat down. And for another still, if you’re only one of the most eligible blokes in the world, then I’d like to meet the others before I come to any sort of decision about who to date,” she smiled wickedly at him. “Therefore, I believe I am on this date under duress.”
“Well,” he challenged, “You can always go back and sit between the fatties.”
“Point taken,” she conceded. “So what’s next on our ‘date’?”
“Do you know any way to stop my ass from feeling numb?”
She looked at him strangely. “You know, this can’t be a date if I’m the wrong gender.”
He made a face at her. “Look, I’ve got a bony arse, okay? I can’t sit this long!”
She laughed. “Okay, okay, calm down. I’ll tell you what – I’ve got some pretty potent sleeping pills with me. Would you like one?”
“How will that help my arse?”
“Well, at least you wouldn’t have to think about it for the next four hours.”
“But then I’ll be really boring company.”
“Oh, that’s okay, I’ll probably take one myself. Then we can say we slept together on our first date.”
He laughed. “I like that. Hook me up!”
She smiled. “Done.”
Orlando called a flight attendant over. It was the same girl who had helped him earlier. “Watch this,” he said to Jade.
“How can I help you, Mr. Bloom?”
“Could we get two cans of arsenic, please?” he said.
The attendant looked slightly puzzled, trying to remember if she’d seen that in the cart. “I’ll go check if we have any,” she said.
Jade had to cover her mouth to stifle her laughter. “Is she being serious?” she asked when the woman had left.
“Dead serious. It’s hilarious. I asked her for a bottle of cyanide earlier and she did the same thing – god some people are stupid!”
The attendant came back looking apologetic. “I’m sorry, Mr. Bloom, it seems we don’t have anything you want on this flight. Was there something else I could get for you?”
He smiled kindly. “Oh, that’s quite all right, love. Just bring us some bottles of water if you could.”
She smiled, relieved. “I’ll be right back.”
This time Jade couldn’t help but burst into laughter. “You are so cruel!” she said.
“I can’t help it! She just walks right into it!” he tried to defend himself.
When their bottles of water finally arrived, Jade passed Orlando a bright blue pill.
“Cheers,” he said. “Here’s to hoping you’re not poisoning me.”
“It sounds to me like you’ve been looking for some poison this whole flight! Cheers.” They each took a swig of their water and swallowed their pills down.
“How long do they usually take?” he asked.
“Oh, you’ll start feeling it in about 20 minutes. Maybe we should tell our ditsy flight attendant that we might need some help waking up at Heathrow.”
“Nah, let’s stay on the plane and see where we end up,” he suggested.
She laughed. “That could be fun, but I think our friends and your family may not be too thrilled by that.”
“Ah, they’d just think I’d finally made good on my threat to run away and join the circus,” he said.
Jade started giggling.
“What’s so funny?” he asked.
“Picturing you in a clown suit,” she said between giggles.
He started laughing too. “Yeah, that is funny,” he admitted.
Twenty minutes later, Orlando noticed his speech was starting to slur and he was having trouble keeping his eyes open. He could see Jade was having the same problem.
“I guess those pills finally kicked in,” he yawned.
“Mmm,” was all she said, easing her chair back and trying to find a comfortable position.
He did the same and then the world went black.
“Orlando!” someone was whispering in his ear. He felt a hand on his stomach.
“Go ‘way,” he mumbled back.
“Wake up, you goof, we’re here,” the voice said again.
He pried his eyes open to see Jade’s face. “My god, I could sleep for another three years,” he told her.
“Me three. Come on, we’ve got to put our seats back into their full, upright positions.”
He groaned. “I don’t wanna.”
She poked him in the ribs. “Then it’s your fault if you kill us all.”
“Is that what happens? That could be an adventure.”
“I didn’t realize you were into extreme sports,” she said.
“Crashing planes is a sport now? Hmm, I’ll have to put that on my list of things to do.”
She smiled and reached over his body. She smelled like vanilla – warm and inviting. He thought for a minute that she might kiss him. He’d never snogged on a plane before. Instead, she pressed the button that caused his seat to go forward.
“There,” she said, her face very close to his, “Now the papers can write that I saved your life.”
He smiled, noticing for the first time that her eyes were extremely blue – like the sky when the sun was just coming up over the horizon. “Thank you, I am forever indebted.”
She sat back and engaged in an exaggerated stretch, pushing his head to the side as she did so. He decided to stretch back, pushing her whole body over.
“Are you and Lizzie coming to the premiere?” he asked.
“The Lord of the Rings premiere? I don’t know. Lizzie doesn’t understand the movies, remember?”
“You could come with me if you wanted,” he offered.
She looked at him incredulously. “Go to the premiere with one of the stars? I don’t know how I feel about that. I might end up with my picture in the paper – I value my privacy, remember?”
He shrugged. “You don’t have to do the red carpet with me – you can just slip in the back door and I’ll meet you inside.”
“Why me? Don’t you have someone more famous and beautiful to go with?”
“For one thing, you may not be famous, but you are quite beautiful, and for another, I enjoy your company immensely. You’re better company than most people I have to spend time with.”
She smiled. “Well, thank you for both compliments, but I still don’t know.”
“Oh, come on. Will you ever have an opportunity like this again?”
“I suppose I won’t,” she said, considering her options. “Fine, I’ll go with you, unless, of course, you end up finding someone more beautiful and more interesting to go with.”
“I doubt that. You’ll be staying at Lizzie’s?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll get a hold of you there, then.”
“Sounds good to me.”
“Maybe you can convince Lizzie to come by then.”
“I’ll do my best, but she’s pretty stubborn.”
“If she’s related to Dominic, then I’m not surprised.”
She laughed. “I think I will enjoy meeting this Dominic character.”
“Oh, he’s a character all right.”
“Tell me about what it was like to make those movies,” she said.
“It was the best time of my life,” he said.
When they finally pulled up to the docking area, Jade made to get up and off the plane. Orlando held her back. “Let’s wait a bit,” he said.
She sat back down and they waited until the plane had emptied. “Are we running away to join the circus now?” she asked.
“Yes, but not the Cirque du Soliel¸ unfortunately. It’s called a media circus.”
“Oh, I see. And you made me wait so I could be a part of it?”
“May as well break you in early!”
She stuck her tongue out at him. “Thanks.”
“Anytime, love.”
They got up and headed out of the plane.
“Thanks for flying with us, Mr. Bloom,” the flight attendant said as they left.
“You’re welcome. Thanks for finding me a great traveling companion,” he said. “Pity she’s Canadian, though.”
Jade punched him in the arm.
Lizzie was pacing the floor frantically by the time Jade and Orlando finally made their way to the baggage area.
“Fuck me, I was beginning to think they’d arrested you or something!” she said to Jade, giving her a big hug. Then she noticed Orlando standing behind her. “Oh god, don’t tell me you ended up finding this bloke on the plane.”
“Nice to see you again too, Lizzie,” Orlando said.
“I’m sorry, Orli, I just hadn’t intended to be the centre of attention today,” she said, hugging him as well. Sure enough, half a dozen photographers and reporters, all clambering for his attention, soon surrounded them.
Fortunately for them, Orlando’s mom had just come around the corner. Upon encountering the scene, she abruptly scolded and scattered the ‘celebrity vultures’ as she termed them.
She gave her son a big hug and was promptly introduced to Lizzie and Jade. “Where do you live, Lizzie?” she asked.
When Lizzie gave the address, Orlando and his mom both started chuckling. “Why, you practically live on our doorstep!” she exclaimed.
“No kidding!” Lizzie said.
“How are you getting home?” Orlando asked.
“I was just gonna get us a lift,” Lizzie told him.
“Oh no you don’t, we’ll take you,” Orlando’s mom said. “In fact, I think we ought to have you for supper, especially seeing as how Miss Jade here kept my son from a bout of air rage.”
“Cheers to that, mum,” Orlando said.
“Just so long as you’re not cannibals, I’m game,” Jade said.
“Oh, she’s clever too!” Orlando’s mom exclaimed. “I hope you intend to keep her, love.”
“I barely just met her, mum!”
“Well if you don’t, I will.”
Orlando rolled his eyes. “Have I mentioned me mum’s a bit mad?”
Jade laughed. “Oh, I don’t know, I quite like her.”
“Ah-ha! You see? She quite likes me,” Orlando’s mom said triumphantly. And with that, they were off.
Over dinner, Jade felt like she was involved in an insane game of 20 questions. Orlando’s mom grilled her about almost everything under the sun, including how many boyfriends she’d had, what she was looking for in a guy and even how many children she might want one day. Orlando wanted to know about what she wanted to be when she grew up and Lizzie was interested in gossip about their mutual friends and pumped her for all the gory details. By the time everything was said and done, Jade was convinced she’d never be able to tell these people anything new about herself. She’d hardly even had a chance to eat, for pity’s sake.
At the end of the night, the two girls took their leave of Orlando and his mom and walked down the street to Lizzie’s flat.
“Now why can’t you ever date a nice girl like that?” Orlando’s mom asked him as they watched the girls from the doorway.
Orlando put his arm around his mom’s shoulders. “I can’t date girls you like, mum, you know that.”
“I don’t see why not. You’d think you’d want your old mum’s approval.”
“But I’m a rebel, remember? I’m not supposed to do anything you want me to do.”
She pinched his side hard enough to make him cry out with pain. “Rebel my arse! You’re the biggest mamma’s boy I’ve ever known!”
“That’s only ‘cuz you won’t cut the apron strings, mum,” he countered, limping away from her.
“Oh, that does it!” she said and set off chasing him through the house.
“So what did you think of the big celebrity?” Lizzie asked Jade while they were washing up for bed.
“Oh, I don’t know. He seemed nice enough,” Jade said.
Lizzie grinned wickedly. “Have a bit of a crush on him, do we?”
Jade splashed her with water. “Where in god’s name did you get that from?” she laughed.
Lizzie spluttered and groped for a towel. “Oh, don’t give me that! I saw you eyeing him.”
“Eyeing him? What is that supposed to mean?”
“You were all looking at him like, oh, Orlando, you’re so sexy! I think I’m in love with you!” Lizzie mocked.
“Right. That’s exactly what I was thinking,” Jade rolled her eyes. “Just because he’s probably the most beautiful man on the planet with intelligence and a sense of humor to boot means that I want to get in his pants.”
Lizzie laughed. “I knew it!”
“I think maybe you have a little crush on him,” Jade said.
“Of course I bloody well have a crush on him!” Lizzie said. “I’m not blind, you know! He seemed to fancy you, though.”
“Oh, don’t be ridiculous! He’s got his choice of any woman in the world. Why would he even look twice at me?”
“He sure seemed to be looking more than just twice at you. Couldn’t stare at you hard enough if you ask me.”
“Maybe he’s just attentive,” Jade suggested.
“Whatever. Hardly batted an eye at me.”
“I think you’re just imagining things.”
“We’ll see. I’ll get Dom to do a little reconnaissance for me later on.”
“You’re terrible.”
“Oh, you know you love me!”
“How come you never told me your cousin was an actor?” Jade asked.
“I don’t know. He’s my cousin. I guess I just don’t think of him that way,” Lizzie said.
“Well, from what Orlando says about him, he sure sounds like fun,” Jade commented.
“Oh, Dom’s a barrel of laughs, that’s for sure. You’ll like him. He really wants me to go with him to that premiere for some reason.”
“Well, you’re a barrel of laughs yourself. Maybe he enjoys your company.”
“No, he mostly wants me to go because I told him you’d be here.”
“What?” Jade asked incredulously.
“Yeah. ‘Your cute friend from Canada?’ he says. ‘Well then you have to bring her. Hook your cousin up,’ he tells me.”
“Oh brother,” Jade said. “I hadn’t intended to come here and get hooked up with every member of the Lord of the Rings cast.”
Lizzie laughed. “Oh, just wait till you meet Billy Boyd! He’s absolutely hilarious. And when he and Dom get together – magic, my girl, pure magic!”
“Okay, so let me get this straight. Orlando is the elf, Dom and Billy are which ones?”
“Hobbits, me girl. Little short people with hairy feet. Not much of a stretch for me ‘coz.”
“Now, there were four hobbits, right? Which one is which?”
“Well, Dom and Billy were Merry and Pippen, the two hobbits that got taken by those nasty assed creatures.”
“Right, right. I remember now.”
“And then there’s Elijah Wood and Sean Astin who played Frodo and Sam – the ones who were trying to get the ring to the big fire in the mountain.”
“Of course. You know, it’s funny – I remember Elijah from back in his Flipper days.”
“Me too. I used to clip his pictures from all those teeny-bopper magazines.” Lizzie laughed at the recollection. “Watch out for him now, though! What a smooth talker that one is. Almost convinced me to sleep with him the first time I met him.”
“Now that’s a feat. I didn’t know the ice-queen could be charmed by anyone!” Jade exclaimed.
Lizzie tossed a pillow at her. “I’m not a lezzie, if that’s what you’re implying,” she said.
“Oh, I’m not implying anything! I’m outright telling you that you have got some serious man issues.”
“Just because all my previous boyfriends were complete wankers…”
“It seems to me that you were the one who chose all those wankers.”
“Technicalities!”
“Maybe a hobbit would be good for you. God knows you need to get laid in the worst way!”
Lizzie tackled her friend to the ground. “Takes one to know one, sweetheart!”