Chapter Two

NeverMind © 2004

 

Orlando decided he was tired. And then he was unable to decide anything else because he was asleep.

“Oh, Orlando…” someone was breathing in his ear. “I want you, Orlando, I need you…oh, baby!”

“What the..?” Orlando muttered, half awake. Someone was stroking his face. He woke up a little more. “Oh god, Dom! Get the fuck off of me!” He shoved his friend hard off the bed.

Dom hit the floor laughing. “But Orlando…” he tried to maintain his joke. “I’m so hot for you!”

“Mom! Why the fuck did you let this wanker in our house? I have a restraining order against him!” Orlando yelled.

“Don’t say fuck to me, dear!” she yelled back.

“Mnngghaggh,” he moaned and put his pillow over his head.

“Get up, sleeping beauty!” Dom said, jumping on him.

“Not the back, you fucker!” Orlando cried.

“Sorry, mate. Always forgetting about that.”

“Fuck, what time is it?”

“Ten in the morning,” Dom told him.

“Too early. Jet lag.”

“Jet lag or Jade lag?” Dom wanted to know.

Without warning, Orlando shot up in bed, knocking his friend flat on the ground. “Fuck me, she’s not here, is she?”

“Holy shit, mate! I think you broke my back!”

“Serves you right,” he muttered. “God, those dreams felt so real.”

“Dreaming about her already? Is she that mint?”

Orlando just rubbed his face in response.

“What about Kate whats-her-face?” Dom asked.

“Who?”

“Hmm, glad to know she had such an impact on you.”

“Oh, her. Nothing to it. Convenience and all that.”

“Lucky bastard gets to fuck beautiful women for convenience. Votes are in, folks. I officially hate you.”

Just then, Orlando’s mom opened the door. “Watch your language boys,” she warned.

“Yes, mum,” they both replied in unison.

“No, really, man. Is she that hot? Lizzie said she’d try to hook her up with me. Did you snog her?”

“What? No! What do you think I am, a sex machine?”

“Well, yes, actually, I do.”

Orlando thought for a moment. “No, I suppose you’re right. But I still didn’t snog her.”

“Why not?” Dom wanted to know.

“Because she’s met me mum already!”

“Oh good, fair game for me!” he giggled in delight. He started jumping on the bed.

“Fuck…” Orlando said, trying to keep his balance amid Dom’s jumping. “Get…off…my…bed!” He wound up to push him off again, but Dom jumped away just in time.

“Too slow, mate!”

“I’m gonna slow you in a minute!” A royal rumble soon ensued.

As soon as Orlando’s mom pulled them apart, Dom said, “Shower up, mate. We’re going to a sleep over!”

As soon as Orlando had ‘showered up’, they walked down the street to Lizzie’s flat. Dom let himself in with the key he stole from his aunt.

“Lizzie!” Dom called once they were inside, “I’ve brought presents!”

“Ooooo!” she cried in excitement. “What is it?”

“Your very own sex machine!”

“I didn’t realize you were pimping the elf out, love!” Lizzie said once she got to the door.

“He can’t be the only one making money off his looks!”

Orlando wound up to slug his friend when suddenly the door to the bathroom opened. Jade came out of the steam wrapped only in a towel.

“Good god!” she exclaimed on seeing the party. She quickly closed herself in the bathroom again.

Orlando and Dom exchanged approving glances.

“It's all right, love, they're just family!” Lizzie called to her.

“Your family, maybe!” she yelled back.

“Would you feel better if the rest of us were naked too?” Orlando asked.

“No! I would not feel better!”

“Aw, man!” Dom said in dismay as he had already started taking his clothes off.

Lizzie made her way to the bathroom door. “Jade, sweetheart, you don’t have anything they haven’t seen before – trust me!”

“She might have,” Dom said, joining his cousin. “Do you have a deformed mole or a strange growth or something?” he asked.

“I haven’t officially met you yet, Dom, but you can fuck off, kay?”

“Ooo, feisty, I like that,” he said.

“Jade, you’re being ridiculous,” Lizzie laughed.

The door flew open rather dramatically. Jade stalked out, giving all three of her harassers a very evil glance. Dom and Orlando watched appreciatively as her shapely back and legs retreated into the bedroom.

Lizzie smacked her cousin on the head. “You’re a prat, you know that?”

“What? I didn’t do anything!”

“Like hell. Don’t go taking the piss out of me, coz. Where did you get a key for my flat anyway?”

“Your mum, of course.”

“Swiped it from her purse, I’ll wager.”

“And you would win. What's wrong? You were playing along at first.”

“Until the mole comment! What is wrong with you, anyway? Get dropped on your head too often as a baby?”

Dom faked a sniffle. “You know I have emotional scarring from that.”

“Yeah, well if you’re not careful, you'll have more than just emotional scars.” She turned to look at Orlando. “And what do you have to say for yourself?” she demanded.

He pointed a finger at his friend. “It was his idea. I wanted to stay in bed.”

“You should’ve,” Jade shot as she came out of the bedroom and blew past them into the kitchen.

“Someone didn’t get enough sleep!” Dom muttered.

Lizzie shot him a warning glance. “Quit while you’re ahead,” she advised.

He just shrugged and headed to the kitchen.

“BOO!” Jade cried when Dom came through the door. He jumped about three meters in the air and screamed like a little girl.

“There,” Jade said, dusting off her hands, “Now we’re even.”

Dom was lying on the floor as if he’d been shot and Lizzie and Orlando were rolling around laughing hysterically.

“I think I’m in love!” Orlando declared, between hysterical sobs of laughter.

Dom just lay there as though he were dead.

Jade just smiled and proceeded to make herself some breakfast. “Cereal, anyone?” she asked casually.

Dom jumped up. “Oh, I will.”

“I’m assuming that you must be Dom,” Jade said to him.

“I’m assuming you must be Jade,” he responded.

“Yes, yes I am. Pleasure to meet you, I think.”

“Likewise, I’m sure. You have a killer body, if I might say.”

“You might. Next time, though, I’ll pick when you get to see it.”

“Are you saying I get to see it again?”

“Not if you keep that up.”

“Right. Got it.”

Orlando and Lizzie had picked themselves off the ground and were wiping away their tears.

“You two are so strange,” Lizzie said.

“Hardly, my dear. I would venture to say that you’re the strange one,” Jade countered.

They settled down to coffee, juice and bowls of cereal.

“How did you sleep, Orlando?”

He swallowed a mouthful. “You can call me Orli, you know. All my mates do.”

“I thought I was your plane date, not your mate.”

“Whatever, doesn’t matter. Just feels weird to be called by my full name since I feel like we know each other so well.”

“Fine. How did you sleep, Orli?”

“Great, until this bloke woke me up in the most obscene way he could think of.”

Lizzie choked on her coffee. “You didn’t kiss him again, did you?” she asked her cousin.

“Maybe I did!” he said with a grin.

“Dom, that’s disgusting. I don’t know what’s wrong with you blokes, always kissing each other and all. If I didn’t know better…”

“I can’t help it Orli’s a good snog!” he protested.

“I hope you have better references for your kissing abilities than this guy here,” Jade commented to Orlando.

He smiled mischievously. “I don’t give references. I believe my interview and demonstration speak for themselves.”

“Is that so?”

“Yes, are you taking applications?”

“Not at this time. I’ll get back to you.”

“Well, better make up your mind quick. I’m a hot commodity right now!”

“Is that so? I have to see if I have any better offers on the table,” she said.

Dom pushed aside her cereal bowl and laid his head on the table in front of her. “I’m offering!”

She looked down at him. “To me or to my breasts?”

“Whoever’s hiring.”

“Why does that not surprise me?”

“Ooo, hello, breasteses. You’re very nice.”

“Okay, that’s enough now,” Jade said, pushing his head away.

“So this is my cousin,” Lizzie said.

“You know what’s funny? That doesn’t surprise me either.”

Dom grabbed Lizzie and side-hugged her aggressively. “Aren’t we just peas in a pod?”

“Or something,” Jade said.

“At least I’m not completely mad,” Orlando said.

“Not completely,” Jade agreed.

“So, are you ladies gonna come to the premiere with us?” Dom wanted to know.

“No,” Jade said.

“WHAT?!” Dom, Orlando and Lizzie exclaimed simultaneously.

“Just kidding! I wouldn’t miss that freak show if you paid me!”

“Good, Billy and Lij wanna meet you,” Dom said.

“Wow, I feel like a cow at an auction for some reason,” she commented.

They looked at her blankly. “Sorry, I live in the middle of butt-fuck nowhere. I think in farming metaphors.”

The blank stares remained.

Suddenly there was a violent pounding at the door. “Please! Oh, god, let me in!” came a muffled voice.

Lizzie raced to the door with the others close at her heels. She threw it open and Elijah Wood fell on top of them in a heap. Dom had to push back the two screaming girls that were clinging to him like he was their last hope for salvation.

“Good lord, Lij, you’re like shit to flies!”

“Gee, thanks, I love you too, fucker.”

He stood up and straightened his Perry Ellis jeans. “Thank god I finally found the right house. People are gonna think I was playing knock knock ginger or something.”

Lizzie helped him out of his coat and examined the long rip down the back. “They’re like ravenous animals, aren’t they?” she commented.

“Too young for him, though,” Dom said. “They were only CITs.”

Jade looked at him quizzically. “Kits?” she asked.

“Cougars In Training,” he explained. “Lij prefers their mothers.”

“Fuck off,” Elijah said. He finally took stock of his surroundings. “Nice,” he said.

“Thanks,” Lizzie said, “I did all the decorating myself.”

“Wasn’t talking about the decorations,” Lij said.

Jade blushed. “You know, since I met elf-boy here on the plane, I have felt more exposed and dirty than I ever have in my life. Thank you all for that. I’m going to take another shower now.”

“Save water, shower with a friend!” Dom exclaimed as he started disrobing again.

“Good lord, boy! Keep your clothes on in my house!” Lizzie said.

“Aw nuts.”

“Especially those.”

“You must be Jade,” Elijah introduced himself.

“You must be Elijah, the keeper of the secret of how to get the ice-queen out of her pants,” Jade said.

This time Elijah blushed. “I see you’ve already heard about me.”

“Let’s say I was forewarned. Let’s also say, I don’t think so – in advance. Good effort, though.”

“Wow,” Elijah said, “that’s the first time I’ve been shut down before I even started up.”

“First time for everything,” Jade said. “Can I finish my cereal now?”

“Better be quick. I caught a glimpse of Billy down the road. Fucker didn’t even bother to help me out,” Elijah said.

Sure enough, loud Scottish singing announced the arrival of the missing hobbit.

Dom clapped his hands in glee. “Heeheehee! Billy’s here!”

“Indeed, it is I. Send in my harem,” Billy said.

Lizzie was already on the floor in hysterics. “Oh god, he is the funniest man I have ever met!”

Jade just stared at him. “I’m dreaming. That must be what’s happening. I am not standing here being harassed by Middle Earthians. This is all a strange, twisted dream. I am going to wake up now.”

Billy walked over to her and planted a big sloppy kiss on her lips. “Joy! You’re awake! Welcome to a transplanted Middle Earth! I’ll be your guide on your journey. Have no fear, Billy’s here!”

Jade stared at him stunned. “You just kissed me.”

“Yes, I did. And what a wonderful kiss it was!”

“Don’t ever kiss me,” she said.

“Too late for that, love! Now, how can I make your time here in Quasi-Middle Earth more enjoyable for you?”

“Well, for starters, you could let me finish my cereal.”

“Good god! They haven’t let you eat? Honestly Lizzie, what kind of a host are you?”

“One being imposed upon by hobbits and elves that weren’t invited.”

“I would like to reiterate that I wanted stay in bed,” Orlando said in his defense.

“Maybe I’ll call the Bobbies and have them arrest you all for breaking and entering.”

“Won’t do no good, coz, I’ll just pretend I’m your husband!” Dom said. “Same last name and all,” he nudged Jade, filling her in.

“Why thank you, Captain Obvious. I never would have figured that out on my own.”

Dom started laughing. “Captain Obvious! Oh, that’s classic! You know who’s worse than me? Orli here. Good ol’ Leggy with his ‘Orcs!’ and his ‘A diversion?’. It’s like, no shit, Sherlock! Thanks for comin’ out!”

“Oh, don’t forget the stare,” Elijah chipped in. “Furrow that brow, Orlando! Furrow it!”

“Fuck you and you and you. I think the woman wants to finish her cereal.”

 

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