Prologue

Being Orlando Bloom’s best friend is a right pain in the arse. Add on top of that the fact that I’m a girl and it’s the bonafide truth, I’m living in an earth bound hell. What, you say, she’s a girl who is friends with Orlando Bloom and she doesn’t fantasize about shagging his tight ass? Excuse me no, in fact I’ll be right back I must take a spin to the loo and pass up my lunch because the idea is disgusting, even for me. Now I’m not blind, I’m aware of the blessing genetics did on that wonderful boy and I’m also aware that coupled with his aloofness and love for life he makes a rather lovely catch yeah? What’s the problem then you ask? I’ll tell you, he’s me bleedin’ cousin and frankly once you’ve seen a lad at 6 running round your front yard in his full glory wearing naught but a helmet his sex appeal goes down. Don’t let that little tidbit of information get out now though, wouldn’t want to ruin his reputation with you lot.

Now we aren’t blood related of course that would be simple and make sense. No, we grew up thinking we WERE tried and true cousins but found out rather early in our teens that in fact we are not. You see my father was Harry Bloom’s brother. Ah I can see you all catching on now, because if you’re reading this there is a huge chance that you have come across the information that the man who gave me lovely cousin his last name was not in fact his father. Collin Stone, the genetic donor, has the pleasure of taking credit for that tight ass you wish you could shag. Of course we had already ingrained in our heads that we were cousins so cousins we stayed.

Bugger me I didn’t even give you me name. Sophia Bloom, 26, manager at the Gap London and relative of the elf. Me birthday is January 13^th and for all of you researchers yes in fact that is the same day as Orlando. He was born one whole year before me. A year that he’s been holding over me head for as long as we could talk. I’m also his unofficial stylist and before you blame me for those campy shirts he wore at the beginning of his career it twern’t my fault, he hadn’t hired me at that point. Now he still manages to wear some campy shite because he sneaks it in without me knowing. I’m trying to fix that but me cousin can be rather stubborn about things and clothes is one of them. He refused to wear them when he was a young lad, and now he just can’t seem to wear them right. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that the reason we know each other is so that I can at least make him look all right some of the time.

I try to keep meself rather out of the public eye mind. I mean who wants to be followed around by the tabloids and papers on a 24/7 basis? Me cousin can put up with it, I cannot. I did accompany him to a number of parties during the Fellowship press run, but after that it became too much. He wasn’t just another cast member to those vultures; he was one of the ones to focus on. It was unfortunately on that press run that I developed my crush. I told meself, right after Orli got the bit part on the telly in Casualty, that if it ever got to the point where he could introduce me to gorge celebs I wouldn’t be taken in by any of them. Then I met ‘the eyes’. Sigh. Otherwise known as Elijah Wood. I’d forgotten how cute he’d been in Forever Young when I’d seen it as a girl. In fact I’d forgotten that child stars can grow up, and grow up he did.

Now me cousin talked about Elijah and all the ‘Rings’ cast non stop from the moment he first called me from New Zealand way back when. I had known that he was working with Sir Ian McKellen, Liv Tyler, and Sean Bean. It just didn’t dawn on me that Elijah was the same bloke from those movies I’d watched as a teen. It certainly didn’t register that he would grow up to be absolutely gorgeous and totally lovely to meet. I can’t actually do anything about my crush because except for that one press junket I haven’t laid eyes on the boy in two years. So I yearn from a distance and try to live life as normally as possible. These are big words to say when your cousin is the ‘next best thing’ and wanted in every country that has women. If I didn’t love the git so much I’d pretend I didn’t know him.

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