Chapter 1

“You know, it never fails,” Dominic Monaghan said as he sidled up to the bar at his favourite pub. “I can’t take you anywhere!”

“I can’t help it I’m so damn attractive!” his blue-eyed companion laughed. “They can’t get enough of me.”

“Well I know I certainly can’t,” the third man joked.

“Good evening, lads,” the beautiful girl behind the bar greeted them. “The usual?”

“Make me something new this time, Nila,” Elijah Wood told her.

Dom leaned across the bar to kiss her cheek. “Hullo, beautiful,” he said with a crooked smile.

She grinned, grabbing his face under his chin and kissing his forehead. “You’re late,” she chided.

“Couldn’t pull this wanker away from his doting fans,” Billy Boyd explained as he took her hand and kissed it.

“Excuses, excuses,” she laughed skilfully putting glasses, liquors and bottles in the right order to make their drinks. “First round’s on the house,” she told them, still smiling as she headed to the other side of the bar to take orders from the rest of the customers.

“Good god she’s beautiful,” Lij exclaimed when she was out of earshot.

“Don’t forget smart and funny,” Billy interjected.

“And the best part, completely unaffected by you!” Dom concluded.

“Hey now, that’s below the belt!” Lij protested.

“Oh now, don’t take it so hard, she’s also unaffected by the elf,” Billy said.

“What about the elf?” Orlando Bloom asked as he joined his friends at the bar.

“Oh, we’re just commenting on your lack of effect on the beautiful Nila,” Billy informed him.

“Ah yes, the beautiful Nila,” Orlando said, catching a beer as it slid down the bar at him. Nila had seen him come in and sent it his way. He looked at it contemplatively. “Now how in bloody hell did she know this is what I’m drinking these days?”

“She’s a barkeep, she knows everything,” Dom told him.

“That’s a terrifying thought,” Orlando muttered at his beer.

“Kind of exciting if you ask me,” Lij said.

“See, that’s a terrifying thought,” Billy laughed.

The four friends had had a rare opportunity to get together while they were all in London that weekend. Lij was shooting for The Yank there and Orlando and Billy happened to be passing through. Dom had insisted they go to The Kiwi and the others had heartily agreed. The food was good, the liquor was better and the young woman who owned the place, Nila Simon, proprietor and master bartender, had all four of them wrapped around her little finger.

After some catching up and reminiscing, Dom called Nila over to refresh their drinks. She was mouthing the words to the song the band was playing as she walked over.

“You know the words to, like, every song,” Dom commented.

She laughed. “I’m here practically every night, wouldn’t it seem more mad if I didn’t know all the songs?”

He grinned. “Another round, if you please, Ms. Simon,” he instructed. “Put it on my tab.”

She leaned across the bar so that she was almost nose to nose with him. “And about your tab, Mr. Monaghan. Do you have any idea when I might see payment on that?”

He acted on impulse just then and kissed her. “Is that good enough for a deposit?” he asked.

“It might be,” she said, reaching out a hand and rubbing her lipstick off his lips with her thumb. “But snogging doesn’t pay the rent, love,” she said, giving his lower lip a quick twist and making him yelp in pain.

His friends busted out laughing and Billy slapped a few bills on the counter. “I knew I wasn’t tipping you enough! That was brilliant!”

Orlando and Elijah did the same between sobs of laughter.

“Sod off,” Dom told his friends, rubbing his lower lip. But he was still grinning as he watched her mix up their drinks. She was probably one of the best bartenders he’d ever seen. She could whip those bottles and glasses around with enough confidence, skill and grace to make it seem, well, almost artistic. He could sit for hours just watching her if he thought he could get away with it.

“You know, I’ll never figure out how you do that,” Elijah told her, seeming to voice Dom’s thought.

She just shrugged. “I don’t remember not being able to do this,” she told him.

Billy started laughing. “Dom tries to imitate you at home, but I think he’s got more drink on the floor than in the glasses.”

Dom gave him a dirty look, but Nila just laughed. “You didn’t tell me you wanted lessons,” she said.

“Lessons? Who needs lessons? I’m a natural!” he joked – his favourite way to dispel uncomfortable situations.

“A natural fool, you mean,” Lij said.

“Wasn’t talking about you, mate,” Dom retorted.

Elijah opened his mouth for a comeback, but couldn’t think of anything fast enough.

“Burned!” Orlando exclaimed. “Why even bother competing with him, Lij?” he asked.

“Aw, hell, I don’t know. Thrill of the sport, I guess.”

Nila would never admit it to them, but she could listen to their banter for hours. It always amazed her that in spite of their super-stardom, they really were just normal blokes. Dom had discovered her pub shortly after getting back from New Zealand and had since hosted many a party and outing there. She didn’t know who any of them were at the time, so she just treated them like she would any customer and they seemed to really like that. She couldn’t figure out why for the longest time until the day a few girls barged in on the hunt for Orlando. They were completely overwhelming, screaming, pawing at him, begging for autographs and pictures. Nila quickly decided enough was enough and pulled out a Polaroid camera that she kept behind the bar and asked to take a picture of them with Orlando. Then she escorted the two girls outside and told them never to come back. Posting the pictures on the bulletin board on the wall behind the bar, she instructed her staff not to allow those women back into her establishment – ever. The guys had stared at her, opened jawed, for the rest of the night. From then on, they were completely devoted to her.

“So you’re sure it’s cool I crash at your place while they fix up my apartment?” Elijah was saying to Orlando.

“Oh, yeah, no worries mate. Sophia has already been warned.”

“You know, for the life of me, I cannot remember what she looks like,” Lij said.

“Well, she’s got these really big ears,” Dom told him. “And she’s missing all her front teeth. Her left arm is significantly shorter than her right arm and she only has one leg. But she’s convinced that she has two, don’t you know, which makes her walk really funny. Oh, and her eyes have no colour to them whatsoever. All you see is black pupils. Fucking freaky,” he said, shaking his head and sipping his drink.

“You’re fucking full of it,” Lij said, laughing.

“No, I’m serious man, she’s hideous.”

Orlando cuffed his friend’s head. “Says the man who hits on her every time he sees her.”

“He’s trying to keep her for himself,” Billy said.

“And why not? Why should those two get all the women?” Dom wanted to know.

“As if you haven’t had your share,” Elijah said.

“They’re only using me to get to you,” Dom sighed dramatically. “All I ever wanted was a girl to call me own.”

“Well, what about Nila? You already said she doesn’t fancy either of us,” Orlando suggested.

“What about it then, Nila? Would you date our Dom?” Billy asked.

Nila laughed. “The man won’t even pay his tab! Probably make me go Dutch on a date.”

At that, Dom pulled out his wallet. “How much do I owe you?” he asked.

“Are you telling me all I had to do was threaten not to date you to get you to pay up?” Nila asked in mock disbelief.

“Yes. How much?” Dom said.

“Four pounds,” she told him.

“What?”

She laughed. “You gave me 300 pounds the other night because I’d ‘always been so sweet to you.’ You don’t remember?”

“I don’t remember,” Dom said, feeling more than a little unnerved.

“You taking the piss outta me?” she asked.

“No, I honest to god don’t remember. What had you been feeding me to drink that night?” he asked.

“Whiskey, mostly,” she answered.

“That would explain it then!” Billy said. “He never remembers anything after drinking whiskey.”

“Is that so?” Nila said. “Well, then that also explains why you don’t seem to remember the night we shagged. Must’ve been drinking whiskey then too.”

Dom’s jaw hit the floor. “Oh my god, I didn’t – I mean, we didn’t…”

She faked a convincing pout. “Best night of my life and you don’t even remember it.”

Dom was speechless for probably the first time in his life.

She couldn’t hold it in any longer. She leaned across the bar so she was next to Elijah. “You see, my friend, that is how you compete with him.”

Elijah broke out into a huge guffaw. “Oh my god, I even thought you were being serious!”

“Oh, she got you good, mate!” Billy told Dom, slapping his back.

“Burned by a girl! I can’t believe it!” Orlando added.

Nila took a bottle from under the counter and flipped it in the air. Catching it, she poured Dom a generous shot. Pushing it across the bar to him she said softly, “You don’t run a tab here, love. You never have. I was just trying to con you out of four pounds.”

“I knew that,” Dom said, shooting the drink back.

“Of course you did,” she grinned, tweaking his nose.

“So ya haven’t slept with him, then?” Billy asked.

“No, Billy, I have not yet had the pleasure,” Nila said, juggling two beer glasses. Jeff, one of her staff, tossed a beer bottle into the mix and she stood there for a while, juggling the three items. She tossed the beer bottle back to Jeff and filled the glasses with some draught, which she then put in front of Billy and Orlando. “From me uncle’s own micro brewery. See if you like it.”

They both took generous swallows.

“Mm, tasty,” Billy said.

“Mm, yeah, what’s in it?” Orlando asked.

“Would you believe blueberries? He distils them with the hops. He tries to convince me he did it on purpose the first time, but I’m pretty sure it was just a grand accident that went right.” She drew pints for Elijah and Dom.

Dom had been sitting there, seeming to be concentrating really hard on his shot glass. Not yet had the pleasure? He wondered if she was being serious. He’d always fancied her, but he found his fancy was increasing in the last little while. She was all he could think about most days.

Nila put the beer in front of him. “Not mad at me, I hope,” she said, breaking his reverie.

He looked up and was struck again by how painfully beautiful she was. Her eyes were the most amazing things close up. The outsides were rimmed with blue, the middle was brilliant green and yellow circled the pupil. Her hair, which was usually pulled back off her neck and face, was a vibrant copper colour and her skin was always slightly tanned. She wasn’t very tall; barely 5’6”, but Dom thought that suited him just fine.

“I don’t think I could be mad at you if I tried,” he admitted.

“Well then, you must not be trying hard enough,” she quipped and got back to work.

“So have you started shooting yet?” Orlando was asking Elijah.

“No, not for another few days anyway. They just wanted us out here for read-throughs and shit,” Lij answered, lighting up a cigarette.

“So where are you staying right now?” Billy asked.

“At Dom’s for another day or two.”

“And why is it that you have to inconvenience Sophia?” Billy wanted to know.

“I’m going out of town for a few days,” Dom said. “Besides, my cousin is crashing at my place while he’s in town from Brazil. He’s got two mates with him that I can barely tolerate. I wouldn’t subject even Elwood to that.”

“What are you out of town for?” Orlando asked.

“Audition,” Dom said.

“Yeah? What for?”

“An Italian independent film. They want me to play the villain.”

“Hey, that’s great, man! That’s just what you wanted,” Elijah said.

“Yeah, I’m pretty excited, actually.”

“When would you start shooting?”

“Not for another six months or so.”

“And how long is it?”

“Twelve weeks, I think they said – if I get the part.”

“Of course you’ll get the part, mate,” Orlando said. “You’re a brilliant actor.”

“Aw, thanks mate!” Dom said, jumping up and bear-hugging his friend.

The friends spent the rest of the night laughing and talking and drinking. When they closed the place down at 3:00 in the morning, they were all more than a little tipsy.

“Good night, lads,” Nila said to them as they struggled to pull their jackets on.

Elijah ran over to her and gave her a big hug. “I’m so excited I get to see you so much while I’m here,” he slurred, giving her cheek a sloppy kiss.

She rubbed the slobber off her face and smiled wryly. “Yeah, me too.”

“Not fair. And I have to be deprived for weeks and weeks,” Orlando said.

Nila came over and buttoned his jacket for him. “Like a little kid,” she chided. “Can’t even get your buttons straight.”

He kissed the top of her head. “That’s what I have you for.”

“Good night, Nila, my love,” Billy said, kissing her hand.

She gave his hand a tight squeeze. “Make sure these blokes get home in one piece,” she instructed.

He bowed low and put an arm around Elijah and Orlando, leading them out of the pub.

Dom lingered a little while. He knew he was on the verge of spilling his guts, but he knew she wouldn’t take him seriously in the state he was in. She had her head cocked to the side, watching him. He seemed to her deep in thought and she wondered what he was trying to figure out.

“You all right, love?” she asked softly.

He came to himself and looked at her. “Yeah, yeah, I’m okay,” he managed.

“Better catch your friends up,” she said.

He nodded, his brow still furrowed. She walked over to him, put a hand on his face and ran her thumb over his forehead. “You shouldn’t think so hard when you’ve had so much to drink,” she advised.

He smiled and hugged her. “You’re right. I’ll stop now.”

“Good,” she said with a chuckle. “Tell me how the audition went, yeah?”

“Absolutely,” he said, saluting her as he left. He couldn’t resist turning around for one last wave at the door. “Night, Nila.”

“Good night, Dom.”

Back to Relative Nonsense Chapter Two