A Poem...

My Best Friend is Dead...

Amanda's mom called me about an hour ago. I didn't wake up this morning expecting to hear that Amanda died last night. I didn't spend last night worried that she would die. When she died I was wrapped up cozy and warm in my room laughing at all my hilarious, and healthy, friends online. You know I knew she had gotten worse and that's why I was so angry last week. But I was mad that she was suffering and that her plans were screwed up...but I always had a feeling that she'd be perfectly fine because she mostly beat it a few months ago. I was wrong this time. Fucking makes me angry too because Stella was just here last Saturday and we'd made plans to visit her on the 24th. Damn it. My last words to her were in a letter I wrote that said fluffy fun stuff and that I'd see her soon. I hope she knew how much I loved her.

A Song...

Lost Without You...

I've never lost a best friend before. Sure I've "lost friends", due to the usual natural progression of growing up and apart. That was tough to deal with in it's time, but I've accepted that it happens and sometimes no matter how hard you try, some friendships aren't meant to last a lifetime. So you remember the good times you had and move on. Death is different. Amanda and I didn't grow apart. We stopped communicating because she became too sick to even walk up the stairs to sign onto the computer. The last time I saw her alive was in July, right before her cancer came back with a vengance. I'd emailed her the normal amount and even talked to her online for awhile. I asked if she'd be up for haunted houses around the 24th and she said that'd be cool if she felt up to it. A couple weeks ago Amanda's mom emailed us about her being really sick. She'd gotten our email addresses from Cody. She wrote in the email that Amanda would be mad at her if she found out she'd emailed us. Amanda didn't want to be pitied. Ever. Amanda hated attention. She just wanted to get better and go to Iowa State.

I knew Amanda since 3rd grade. I know I was her oldest friend. She and Carly were my world. Stella joined in and we were a foursome. The outcast four. Mostly jeered at by all other peers, and when some other "friends" abandoned us we always had each other, and we never pulled the shit the others did. We were ourselves, and in a way revolted against the navy-blue-hoodie-Hanson shirt-Pipe jeans-bubblegum infiltration of our female counterparts. While they covered their bodies with washable markers counting down the days until the Hanson concert (in 3 months), we hung out in the art room and fiddled with our Gigapets and listened to Chumbawumba on the computer. This doesn't mean we weren't affected by their cruelty. I know my and Stella's self esteem was non-existent, Carly possibly contemplated suicide, and Amanda...well I don't know. I remember the "Hey Amanda talk to us! What are you a mute? Come on Amanda talk to meeee!!!!!" remarks, and Amanda just staring straight ahead. I don't know if any of that really really affected her. She never complained about anything. Ever in the history of the mother fucking world. Fucking ever!!!! NOTHING!!!! She got straight A's no problem..well she worked so hard she made it seem like no problem. She was talented and hilarious and stubborn and the best damn person I've ever known. And I've known all of this for years and I never took her for granted...but during the run-of-the-mill everyday situations that stuff gets pushed to the back of your mind in order to think up the next short joke to throw at Stella. Then she up and dies and all of this resurfaces and it's like I knew all of this before but now understand it.

The past few days have been a blurr. I've totally slacked off in all areas of my academic life. If I don't get my act together next week I don't think I can expect very impressive marks this semester. Not that I'm ever terribly concerned about that, because I'm not. So let's get down to business. Ginger and I arrived at the wake promptly at 7:30 like I'd predicted. I first saw chillins from the highschool who knew Amanda from orchestra. I turned the corner and saw my friends: Carly, Stella, Cody, John, and Margot. The day before Stella and Cody had stayed up until 3am making picture collages; and there I am with my little foam board-construction paper creation. But it looked damned good and it was creative so I think Amanda's mom liked it. My parents were there. Talked to Carly's mom and Amanda's mom of course. Amanda's Aunt told me the things I said in the newspaper article brought half the people there. (We also discovered this reporter works for the FBI because Amanda's mom did NOT give him my information.) Apparently a lot of our old teachers and classmates' moms showed up early on even before my peepz got there.

I discovered a few girls were present who shouldn't have been in my opinion. They were from our middle school days of hatred and loathing. And they have given us no reason to not still hate and loathe them. I have personally experienced the brutality of two of them, and the other vicariously through horrible stories from Stella. They were not Amanda's friends. They mocked Amanda. These were people we laughed at for being so completely evil and lame. I wish I had been their when they showed their little bitchwhore faces. I would have said "Oh hey, why don't you join me outside?" and I swear to God I would've then proceeded to rip every hair out of their fucking skull. Ginger was trying to argue with me about this. You know maybe they have changed and felt bad about it and wanted to pay their respects. I suppose. I know people change. And maybe they to this day don't understand how much they were sorry excuses for members of the human race. You know what though? If they HAD changed, and were not suffering from amnesia, then they would have known what they did was wrong. Henceforth if they felt bad then they came to just clear their little consciences. The one thing Amanda never wanted was to be pitied, but I also think she would have hated being used as a cleanser for the enemy. Just pisses me off. How can you pay a last respect to someone you never respected in the first place? Exactly.

I love my parents. I don't know if it's just me realizing how cool they are or them actually becoming cooler for whatever reason. I'd heard my mom sat by herself for awhile and cried for Amanda. In the little snack room my dad gave Cody a pep talk. They are so great.

In a way this weekend has been pretty amazing. I have laughed so so so very much. Like until my insides are about to implode. Just visiting with old friends and reconnecting and telling stories and making new ones. It's a beautiful thing. I think we've all realized that the "friends growing apart" bullshit is just that. Sure, it's no one's fault really...but it's not right. And I think we all realized just how important we are to each other, even though we all have different and separate lives now. But we can still be "The Crew" like we used to when we're together. That's all that matters.

After the wake we went to Colonial, our former usual hangout. We were trying to remember what Amanda always ordered. Dree chilled with us. We told rediculous jokes and poked each other with forks and were just silly. Then we ventured to the MASION that Carly's mom is house sitting. OhmyfreakingLordinHeavenAlmightyChristChild. I will say five things: Wood floors, leopard print staircases, custom built-in fridge that looks like an armoire, plasma tv, and endless space. We cuddled in the basement and watched some of the infamous kid's movie BLANK CHECK. (Which I first saw with Amanda.) I found this blanket and touched it and it is seriously the softest blanket I have ever beheld and whenever one of us touched it this look of disgust and sound of awe would emerge because the comfort of this blanket was literally OBSCENE. Then we all went home. It was cold and I stared at the prayer card with Amanda's picture on it and shed a few.

Today I awoke and ummm since my hairdryer from 1970 broke I had to make my hair look cute whilst it was wet. So I put it up in bobby pins and it was fine. The sweater Ginger lent me enjoyed shedding over everyone. Ginger didn't go to the funeral with me; she hung out with my parents ALL DAY and learned more about me and mine then I think I want her to know. *eyes bug out* Hehe, oh well. Went to Stella's and finally met her boyfriend Steven of many months. Wow he is a cutie and a sweetheart. I'm so happy for her. John brought doughnuts. Stella wore bright green in honor of Amanda. The joke is PUKE GREEN but hey close enough.

Funeral. I thought I'd cried all that I could ever in the history of the world but I was wrong. I was goin' pretty good until the reverend lady said something about Amanda's stubborn-ness or something and I got this overwhelming feeling of how much I'd miss that...miss Amanda incessantly switching radio stations to her taste in music...and I lost it. A heap of tissue was shoved under my nose. When it was initially over I went to the bathroom to throw my snotty tissue away. Carly came in to do the same and she said "You know, the whole time I was thinking about how if Amanda was here she would have HATED this", and holy crap I was thinking the same thing. Then she said "Look at us talking like losers in the bathroom" I laughed and said yeah and then we were embraced and crying again. Carly and Katie two friends alienated for a long period of time brought back together. It was pretty amazing. I hope we don't lose touch again.

Lunch aka FEAST at the Wilton Manor in Wheaton. We ordered kiddy cocktails all around. It was like magic. The food was so good and there was so much and it kept coming forever. We ate and laughed and played games. (I'm ashamed to admit I forced my friends to play Camping Trip, and this time Cody took my position and was at the point where he said "Okay I'm going to end my life right now. I have no more reason to live." It was especially funny when Amanda's mom joined in. Hee!) Good times.

Then we ventured back to the funeral home to get pictures and things. We parted ways temporarily. On my way home I passed the Front Door Cafe, which I had not been in since it was still TJ Sweets, and saw Mike's car. I turned around and parked in the back. I entered and saw Kelly, Mike, Keebler and Andy working. Oh how I'd missed them. Mike's hair was all messy and adorable and Andy looked really cute in his little FDC uniform. For some reason I took all the bobby pins out of my hair and had dreads for a minute. And I made Andy get me water and poked fun at him for being a minion of an expensive yuppie establishment. I heart them! I would have liked to hang with them but my priorities were elsewhere. I will see them next weekend and many weekends to come.

Home. Change into pajamas. Big annoying run around having to do with gas and money and bombarding Bath & Body Works for the money they owe me. I'm calling the Better Business Bureau! Parents went out with Uncle George. Ginger and I ate Wendy's and waited for Steven and Stella to pick us up. We watched All That (which has now been raped by Britney Spears' little whore sister) and Trading Spaces. Then the shenanigans ensued. Off to Carly's apartment, Steven driving Stella, Cody, Ginger and I. I think we had a semi-fun night. We talked a lot and were trying to cheer Cody up a lot because he's feeling really insecure right now. Carly relayed some things Beth said to her dad, which are so lame God she sucks so much, and Cody was very close to calling Beth right then and having it out. We convinced him not to. I don't know why he suddenly cares what people think of him. It's weird. I'm worried.

We went on a haunted house search. After a muchness of getting lost, we settled for the JayCee's at the DuPage County Fairgrounds. It was pretty good. Only thing though...See ever since we started this tradition, Amanda always went first, then me then Carly then Stella and the rest of the people usually varied right? Well Amanda is gone so GUESS WHO HAS TO LEAD THE PACK FROM NOW ON?!?! That's right, ME. I think I did pretty well. I was a little jumpy but not too bad. It was interesting how much bravery rubbed off on me when Amanda was leading because I was always like "Haunted houses aren't scary they're fun!" but this time I can say I was a little scared. I'll never fill Amanda's shoes. Right before we went in (after Ginger HUGGED one of the ghoulish hecklers) we agreed that Amanda in spirit was right there laughing at me. She would. *shakes fist at Amanda* There was one point in the "maze" where I totally took us the wrong way even though the scary guys told me it was the right way and Cody and Steven are all "You're being played for a fool!" and I'm like "HEY IT IS THEIR JOB TO TELL ME WHERE TO GO" and they gave us the wrong directions TWICE. The second time we ended up in the neon mask room we'd came from and Cody started yelling at me and I at him and it was just like a true scary movie especially when he said "YOU GOT US INTO THIS AND NOW YOU'RE GOING TO GET US OUT OF IT!" Hehe!!!! So I did finally. After that fun we ate at Subway. Well I didn't. Back to Carly's to chat and rest. Then home again.

I have written so many quotes from this weekend, they are all soooo hilarious!!!!!:

"Are you gonna let your girlfriend fork me like that?"-Carly

"Why don't we get some dessert? And by 'we' I mean 'I' and by 'dessert' I mean 'you'."-Carly

*After I catapulted a creamer into the air* "Where did that land?"-Carly
"Right here."-John
"Oh, I was going to say...you almost cremed John's pants!"-Carly

"Sublime the wrong way. Who would put that on their phone. *looks over shoulder* Oh."-Ginger

"Make John the sugar daddy."-Stella

"You're about to make me creme."-John

"Corn chips aren't made with potatoes."-Carly

*To Cody about working with her* "I've been meaning to ask you... can you alphabetize? Do you know the alphabet?"-Amanda's Mom

"If I lost my wallet I'd have lost my pants."-Carly
"And then you'd be screwed."-Stella

"HAHA SURPRISE WE'RE GOING TO REHAB!"-Cody

"I'm a dirty old man."-Ginger

"Nobody said I wasn't dislexic."-Carly

"I snubbed you like a snubby snub snub."-Cody

"My boss is a neurotic cancerous lady." *silence*-Carly

"It's frustrating like when I lose my socks in the morning and I'm like FUCK WHERE DID I PUT MY FUCKING SOCKS?!?!"-Cody

"Sounds like 'Margot' is a 'Mar-stay'."-Cody

*After Carly's crotch-biting story* "Oh my gosh, that's horrible...horrible with a capitol whore."-Cody

"G-Love and Special Sauce."-Carly

"Calling in fired."-Carly

"Ginger you're asleep don't argue with us!!!!"-Me

It is strange having all these good times without Amanda. At the same time these newest good times would not have been had without Amanda. I think no matter what we do she'll still always be there chillin' with us. Next weekend Amanda's mom is taking Amanda's ashes to Iowa State and spreading them around, on the sly of course. Just last week Amanda said to call Iowa State to make sure her schedule was set for next semester. Her mom promised to get her there one way or another.

I feel so empty inside but at the same time so full if that makes any sense. Amanda's company has been ripped away, but my love and memories of her and intense love for everyone else in my life has grown immensely. Still, I don't know how quickly these wounds will heal. I'm comforted in knowing that she's up there somewhere with my Grandma and she's taking care of all our former pets. And, as Stella so eloquently put it, John Ritter.

A Dream...

It was at Theatre Fest. I was consumed by my highschool friends. The atmosphere was thick with friendship and love. I hung out backstage, in the balcony, and the hallway. I received many hugs. Andy kissed me on the cheek. The friend I had dragged with me was not Ginger, nor was it Maddie or Cody... but this girl Crystal from my elementary/middle/high school days. Well, we were "friends" in elementary school. In middle school I loathed her because, well, it was middle school and I loathed everyone then. Didn't talk to her or see her much in high school. She is not my friend. In this dream though, she was my buddie. Anyways, after saying my goodbyes to my lovely friends, Crystal and I started down the hall to leave. I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned around. It was Amanda.

She looked good. Normal. Pre-wig, her curly hair as bouncy as ever. White t-shirt and jeans, not unlike her normal attire. I was surprised, Crystal was freaked out... because she's supposed to be dead, so why the crap are we talking to her in the U-High hallway? At first she looked two dimensional, then she became three dimensional. We had a conversation. Amanda spoke with confidence and purpose, but what she said sounded like stuttering and random words. Crystal was confused, but I understood everything she said. I don't remember the specifics, but an example would be Amanda saying "T-t-t-trees wingbatsss and flowerpots blue dogs granted." and me responding "Oh I'm doing okay. How are you?" It was fucking insane. Suddenly during our conversation, this black honeycomb design began to appear on her skin. It started on her cheek and grew out, covering her face, but then it would draw back in and be gone. Then it would appear again like that, randomly, in patches. It always came and went again soon after it appeared. Right as I was about to inquire what the black honeycomb design was, Amanda said she had to go. She became two dimensional again, as though she was on television, and then disapeared in a snowy fashion, as if God punched "stop" on his omnipotent remote control.

Suddenly, Crystal and I were in the Allamo II. She was going crazy, screaming "WE JUST SAW AMANDA'S GHOST!" I was quietly subdued and said "A lot of people would want to hear from their deceased loved ones."

And then I woke up.

Encore...

I think of her when I listen to...

Keywords, Vocab & Memories!
(plus some inside jokes)

fweej! puke green bouncy walk beanie babies Dumb & Dumber shellfish gene pool boingy-curls X-Files the birthday blizzard Celica! burger drugs! Indian burns Sam Hobbes & Asia frosty Cha!!! Pig races "The Look" Daria, Jane & Quinn Trading Spaces marathon Trashy haunted houses Littlest Pet Shop 3 days of Forrest Gump Scores & Diamonds Santa as Satan Ms Jackson the blob American Idol "Sure, sure" Colonial roll out Lord of the Rings tattoo mini disco ball black boots "I�m so awesome!" strawberry Lip Smackers animal shelter getting her to say "hi" sitting on the floor during lunch hair-dying! Blurry.

your song...

everything's so blurry
and everyone's so fake
and everybody's empty
and everything is so messed up
pre-occupied without you
i cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
i stumble then i crawl

you could be my someone
you could be my scene
you know that i'll protect you
from all of the obscene
i wonder what your doing
imagine where you are
there's oceans in between us
but that's not very far

Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well ya shoved it in my face
this pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well ya shoved it my face

everyone is changing
there's no one left that's real
just make up your own ending
and let me know just how you feel
cause i am lost without you
i cannot live at all
my whole world surrounds you
i stumble then i crawl

you could be my someone
you could be my scene
you know that i will save you
from all of the unclean
i wonder what your doing
i wonder where you are
there's oceans in between us
but that's not very far

nobody told me what you thought
nobody told me what to say
everyone showed you where to turn
told you when to runaway
nobody told you where to hide
nobody told you what to say
everyone showed you where to turn
showed you when to runaway

this pain you give to me

you take it all
you take it all away...
explain again to me
you take it all away
explain again to me
take it all away
explain again

If anyone has anything they'd like me to put up on this page (pictures, stories, dreams, journal entries, links, ect.) just let me know and it will happen. I love you all.

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