Poetry

Confessions of a Storyteller

I've been rude
with Red Riding Hood
And I've spent a night
with the lovely Snow White

I've been whipped with a nettle
by Madam Gretal
And I've been down the cellar
with Cinderella

I've picked up Goldilocks
down at the docks
And I've even laid
the little mermaid

But I have to say
that my favourite lover
was the raunchy, the gorgeous
Wicked Stepmother.

Calories

I came
She swallowed
Ingested
Digested
'How many calories in sperm?'
She enquired
turning to the well thumbed pages
of her bible-like diet book
But it's index, unlike her
had no entry for semen
So after much deliberation
she decided
to skip pudding that night.

Floppy

I'd drunk too much
and I needed a pee
when I asked her to dance
and would she f*ck me
She said no to the former
and yes to the latter
but getting down to business
was a complicated matter
I was pissed and IT was floppy
and when I couldn't get a hard-on
she got all stroppy
It's never 'appened to me before - I lied
So it's 'cause I'm ugly -
She broke down and cried
I told her - it's not your fault
it's just bad luck
that tonight of all nights
I'm too drunk to fuck
So we settled for a kiss
and a warm embrace
but she still left in tears
'cause I puked in her face.