The Pub's Leftovers

Nikki K:

1) Can I get a .... trachea reduction?

2) Can I get a .... few more lines, because I am slick?

3) Can I get a .... ounce of strength to take this bitch down?

4) Can I get a ... girlfriend who's not such a stupidhead?

5) Can I get a .... better script, so I don't have to hang off cliffs anymore?

6) Can I get a .... speech therapist?

7) Can I get a .... non-abrasive polish for my pirate's coin?

Crystal Galore:

1) Hope Williams Brady...affectionately known as "Trach" to the cast members. Other notable qualities: adding "h" sounds to the end of words for fun-h; being a stubborn bitch and not listening to reason.

2) I am hoping the answer to this is Count Tony Dimera..cause I think that he is the SLICKEST of all. He's been "back" on the island for weeks now, and has only uttered a few syllables. Tony's other qualities include wearing black, egging on tigers, and practicing the ancient art of....sword, uh...wielding.

3) Shawn Douglas Brady, aka "the hair", is our favourite sexy captive at Casa Spears. It's true, shawn should'a "killed the bitch when he had the chance"...but DAMN all those intravenous sedatives will knock a brotha out!! Shawn's other qualities have been forgotten, as he has been away from the outside world for too long.

4) Hmmm...this could be so many people. I wanna say Shawn again, but he was the last answer...and Belle IS mighty stupid. Maybe it's Lucas....cause as much as I like Sami, she is extremely VOLATILE and totally ruined Lucas' nice proposal to her. I believe she may be bi-polar. Who else could this be?? Maybe Rex...Mimi isn't the shiniest pirate coin in the treasure chest. I can't decide for this one.

5) Poor Indiana Jack (deveraux). He's a great comedic actor, and not so good when he has to portray a dirty jungle man with a fever. I wish he would go back to his reporting days...although that's what got him killed in the first place. Jack's other redeeming qualities include correcting spelling mistakes, making his famous burgers at every picnic, and being too headstrong for his own good.

6) Roman Bwady, FBI (which stands for fucking big idiot!!) Was he raised by wolves or what??? oh no wait!!...wolves can PRONOUNCE the "th" sound. Roman's qualities are few and far between, but he's a pretty good hawaiian shirt model.

7) Patrick Lockhart...is he good or is he bad?? No one really knows. All we know is, whenever that coin comes out, watch for a MIRACLE to happen. A frickin' miracle. He really should be an OBGYN in my opinion....he could perform a rectovaginal GBS on me ANYDAY!! Hoot!

Crystal Galore:

1)...............person to hold my cue cards...my ONE LINE cue cards?

2)..............name that's NOT an acronym?

3)..............treatment of liquid nitrogen?

4)..............great deal of medical funding? (a little help here?)

5)...............storyline that does not have me hugging like a pansy every 5 seconds?

6)...............harness for these puppies?

7)...............care package at camp? God, my mother is a negligent bitch.

Nikki K:

I think #1 is old wrinkly pink eye, Alice Horton. The poor girl is about 106, and thought when they killed her off that she could enjoy a life of computer shuffleboard and fiber laxatives, but they brought her back. And she ALWAYS reads offa cue cards.

#2 is TEK, or Thomas Edward Kramer. The coincidental thing is that he is a police tech. Weird. I wonder if this is just a coincidence, or if, at a young age TEK decided that he would become a police tech for the "coincidental" value. In any case, Salem's #1 fortune cookie, Celeste must not like acronyms because she always goes the long route. "Oh, Lexie, I have bad feewings about Thomas Edward Krama". Cool.

#3 is Nikki K. This one took me a minute. I was thinking EVERYONE is Salem/New Salem needs a Something treatment. But then I remembered from my Days in the office, that liquid nitrogen is used to burn off warts. And Nicole has one of those right betwixt her eyes. Otherwise, she is perfect.

#4 is the only doctor in Salem, Lexi Carver-Dimera-Kramer. Lexi is an emergency physician, a coroner, a heart surgeon, an obstetrician, a brain surgeon and many more. She does every surgery in Salem Hospital. She must rake in the dough!

#5 is Phillip. It could either have been Phillip or new Belle, but I'd lilke to leave new Belle out of this. You see, Phillip is in love with Belle and she is heartbroken and she uses him as a teddy bear. He gets erections.

#6 is the buxom Bonnie Lockheart. Her breasts are the size of a small island, say New Salem. You know, if old Mickey was half as smart as he is supposed to be, he would maybe think, when gazing at Bonnie's harvest, "hmm...those are big, like a small island. I wonder if all of our beloved friends and family aren't really dead but are trapped on a small island." But no, he just likes her tits.

#7 could either be Will or Abby. I going to go with Abby, because her situation is funnier. Her mother is lying on a cliff in the barren wilds and Abby probably just thinks she's too busy baking prenatal cookies and playing pirates with Patrick. Woo Patrick.

You may have noticed little Isabella Black looking a little stringy and unfamiliar lately. It is because this is not our normal Belle; this is "New Belle". And New Belle is a very bad thing.

This all started when old Belle was offered a prime time television series. I think she accepted because she wasn't getting much Shawn action anymore, what with him being locked in Spears' cage and all. Also, I'm not sure she was comfortable playing a wilting flower, and I'm SURE she wasn't comfortable with Phillip's erection! So she left. This is where things go very bad.

One day, Crystal says to me "There's a New Belle and she is AWFUL!" I thought, 'ok she's probably pretty bad, but Galore has a tendency to exaggerate, especially when she's been drinking'. So I watched for myself. And what I saw was very bad indeed!

New Belle is about 30 and resembles a pigmy shrew. She walks around with her hands bobbling in the air like a T. Rex. (See picture) Her acting seems to have been cultivated at Tony Little's School of Discount Talent. Worst of all, she has turned Belle into a snobby airhead. You can't just up and change a character like that! I wasn't a huge fan of old Belle, but she wasn't a snobby airhead. She was whiny and annoying and a big old prude, but that was ok. You couldn't convince me New Belle was a virgin even if I performed the hymenectomy myself! (Note: a "hymenectomy" is removal of the hymen, or the thin covering of the vaginal canal. I work for OB/GYNs) No, New Belle is a very bad thing.

However, it must not have been just me who noticed, because she has already been replaced. New Belle II starts this Tuesday. I really hope it's Sally Struthers!

Johnny Black-Sugar Daddy…and that's a fact!

Marloony-Jawbreakers, what with her killing spree.

Brady- Twix....then he can have BOTH bars (and name them Chloe and Nicole)

Belle- Cotton Candy, fluffy and pastel. Also, she melts in your mouth, and occasionally in your hand (unless you are Shawn)

Shawn Sr.- York Peppermint Patties…what with the United Kingdom and all

Caroline-Gummi Worms…cause she is a gardener…

Roman - MacIntosh Toffee....when he eats it, you can't even tell, b/c he sounds exactly the SAME!

Kate-5th Avenue, because that is what she conveys. Although…she was a high priced whore

Bo-Hot Tamale, like his temper

Hope-Atkins Advantage Bar

Sami/Lucas-Sour Patch Kids, because they go through sour patches

Rex- Skor, because I'd like to!

Cassie-Altoids…because she a ho!

Shawn D- Good & Plenty, because he's had good and plenty of these "cagey sheJANigans"

Alice- Cadbury Cream Egg…can we say pink and sweet?

Mickey-Jolly Rancher…because that's what he is now, thanks to Bonnie's influence

Maggie- Rum and Butter…HA!

Julie- Hershey's Kisses, hopeless romantic

Doug- Mr. Goodbar, because he is an all around good guy, albiet somewhat of a patsy

Jenn- Milk Duds, because being pregnant, her duds have milk in them

Jack-Snickers, because that is what Indiana Jack makes us do

Victor- Payday, being rich and all

Nicole- Peanut Butter Cups Minis…smaller cup sizes

Phillip- Mr. Big, like his head

Bonnie- Whoppers

Patrick- Pirate's Booty. He is a pirate and his "booty" is to die for (or to dangle aimlessly off a cliff for)

Mimi- Push Pop…cuz she's all into being "pushed and popped"

Tony-Willy Wonka's Everlasting Gobstoppers. The phoenix…everlasting…see the connection?

Lexi- Butterfinger "Oh geez…my fingers must have slipped when I was taking the pulses of ALL of these people I pronounced dead"

Abe-Nestle Crunch, because he is big and brown

Celeste-Mars…because she has connections

TEK-Three Musketeers…one for each one of his legs…!

Jan-Milk Chocolate Espresso Beans, because the bitch doesn't sleep!