Tuesday 25th July
Gabe hasn't txt me back...Not sure whats happening...maybe he's run out of credit?? I'm starting to get really paranoid...like he hasn't txt me since his last txt apologising...at 1pm yesterday...and I saw on his phone he's been txtn Emma...whom I know he would like to screw...ahh I hate this....
On a good note...I might be getting MY OWN car!!!!!!Will check it out tomorrow...Its a 1990 Hatchback Honda Civic and I offered the owner $500 cash and they said yes!!!
Bad note...um gaining weight...keep eating...not good...Oh picked up a cpk for $3 from the salvation army...in process of cleaning it...

Monday 24th July
Worked Thursday night...Had the funniest time ever! AJ is really funny. I was a bit worried about working with her but wow it was AWESOME...She's absolutely hillarious..
Went to Gabes on Saturday...had a fun night....Brian invited Gabe to go fishing with him on Sunday but he didn't want to go without me so I ended up going with him...The weather was bad to begin with but then after that it was really nice...there we were sailing...in the middle of the water ( we went all the way under the Harbour Bridge! )..and he was holding me keeping me warm!! Was sweet...Poor Janette was really badly sea sick though...We were late back from sailing and so I couldn't make it to dinner with family and scullys....So stayed night with Gabe.. I bought him a new fitted sheet and left all these notes for him to find during his day. I made the mistake of telling him how many there were and so he went searching for them!!!Damn...whole point was for him to find them suddenly..eh well...He was a bit snappy at me though when we got back...I know its silly to get upset over little things but yeah I know I'm over sensitive... but of course I didn't tell him I was upset...He apologised later on in bed though and sent me a txt today saying " Hey baby i miss you so much already..I'm really sorry about being snappy @ u yesterday i no there is no excuse for it cause you were wonderful 2 me and i'm sorry k". So yeah I guess its alright now...I just really love him (no I haven't told him yet) and the little things like him getting angry at me for nothing really upsets me...or like when he talks about other chiks it makes me jealous...yeah I mean I know he's a typical guy but still...bleh...

OOh Demo is back from the vet!!! Shes so adorable...Brian's dad Kevin is looking after her... NOTE
Been going out with Gabe for 6weeks!!!! Thats 1 and 1/2 month!!!!

Turesday 18th July
Went out shopping!!!Bought 3 pairs of shoes...Black heels...for work..bronze heels for whenever...well only because I have black and silver and well now i have bronze..ooh and I also got a pair of ankle boots! Along with shoes I also got a nice satin/silk type top..and a cardi thingy...Still need to go out tomorrow and get a handbag...Aww I was going to go to the course introduction thing because Gabe really wanted me to...I was too late though.. Told him I was sorry and that I was going to go because I knew he wanted me to. I would do anything for him if I knew it would make him happy...He said I make him happy either way!! Awwwwww......

Monday 17th July
Gabe rung me tonight and he was crying...thats the first time I've heard him cry...I haven't even seen him cry..but yeah this course is really working for him and its waking him up.. him being all emotional scared me and I ended up crying...Mostly because I was scared that now he was realising all this stuff he would also realise that he could do better than me...or realise how screwed I really am... This is something that he txtd me...
"Baby none of that means anything, past doesn't make you who you are, the future does, you have a great future ahead of you, now is now and tomorrow is tomorrow..who you are is who you are..."
He's really changed...He told me he had an awesome day and it was because he was alive... when I finally told him what I though about him realising stuff he said that he's realised everything there is to realise about me...And when I said about how I knew I should be happy for him that he was picking up the pieces in his life but I was scared and stuff and why... he said...
"Baby all of this means nothing, I will be with you though whatever life brings us"...
Wow he actually said us....He went on to say thanks for being who I am...and that I make his life!!! On the phone before he had also told me that he was willing to love again but with the right person...cause at first remember he had told me he couldn't love me..and now he probably can.. I'm still so close to telling him...but I think I'm going to wait for him to say it first...

Sunday 16th July
UNBELIEVABLE!!! I went to the car to search for the printer catridge and discovered my ciggarette packet in my mums car rubbish bag...Stormed inside asking who had been searching my room. Dad had searched my room and bags...it was crazy what an invasion of privacy... I got my c.v and left on Friday night...Asked Kyz if I could stay the night at hers.. dropped my c.v off at Brownsons and the lady asked if I would be in the mall for the next 10 mins so her boss could interview me. I went to the interview and got offered the job. Brownsons is a jewellery store. So yes training would begin Sunday...Kyz picked me up and I ended up getting the worst lecture EVER from her mum...Of course its understandable because Kyz mum is kinda like a second mum to me...Gabe ended up picking me up from Kyzs...Stayed there till Sunday morning when Clint dropped me off. Had shower then rushed to work. It turned out GREAT!!! I absolutely love it!!

Friday 14th July
Ally came over last Wednesday for a sleepover and Steph was over to hangout with us. We got 6 movies out. I was so excited because I got to watch Final Fantasy: Advent Children...It was weird...hard to understand...but cool none the less. Ally and I stayed up till 6am talking. Went to west city and I had the most fun I've had in a very long time...It was amazing what dicks me and ally were. We went round trying on dresses and shoes and I swear between the two of us we must have tried 30 different lipglosses...LOL....
Ooh Gabe came over after dinner and so Ally got to meet him...Heheh she thinks he's cute! See he doesn't believe me!!! She stayed the night again...and then this morning we got woken up by Kyz ringing. We went down to West City and met Simon there...and Kyz.

Wednesday 5th July
Yay just got off the phone with Gabe. Things are sweet but I miss him soo much. He called me dumb because I like him..Lol screwed...i truly wonder though...Ahh does he even realise how god damn in love with him I am? aww I like him soo much. He thinks he's ugly but I think he's absolutely gorgeous and so cute and sexy and hot and just so great!!! Ooh Jarey just text me. Him and his mum are gonna be moving in with Mitchell and his mum and brother.. Lol how weird is that. I think its awesome though cause theyre best friends and now theyre kinda like brothers...lol. Um took the kids to the library today...uh wow i'm so unfit now...3 weeks of sitting round....I've managed to gain 4 kilos....Doesnt help that I've been bingeing on food at home...Munchkin is going to be my personal trainer starting tomorrow. Will see how well that goes...Need to find a part time job until September...Also need to get 2 reference letters for my course..um have to see the dentist before I can have my driving lessons sorted...Lots to do..

Tuesday 4th July
Mmm well on Sunday 11th June Gabe came to pick me up at 11:30pm and parents flipped and went beserk and wouldn't let me go and dad went mental and ran outside and said he wanted to see the bastards face. And so he went to Gabriel's car and told him he ruined his life...I was just too pissed off and so I walked off into the night...I was just distraught and thought my life couldn't get any worse...Gabe was txtn me trying to find me...eventually he txtd me he was goin to surprise me and ask me out and he wanted me to tell him where i was so he could ask me face to face. We drove for a while and I was still in shock and rambling... I was homeless....Gabe pulled over and just held me while I cried....It was sweet of him. He had to leave the next day for Palmerston north to work and gave Brian money to drop me home. Brian told me I could stay in Gabe's room until he came back...So I spend my days cleaning up the place...I moved Gabe's stuff into his new room and hung his bass and his dad's guitar on the wall above his bed..It looks really cool!!! I also cleaned up Brian's room and rearranged his stuff. Gabe finally came back on Thursday 15th???

It was a good two weeks with Gabe...Its really nice to have someone to cuddle up to and snuggle up nice and warm...to fall asleep in his arms...and wake up to his kisses...These past two days he took me down to the wharf..It was sweet we just sat there by this lake. I swear I'm finding it so darn hard to control myself from telling him I love him. I think i really do!! I nearly accidentally told him...Lol we were lying down half asleep and I said I love you.... and he said what?? And i was like..I love cuddling up to you like this..Phew close one... Ahh I want him to love me. I know its hard for him because of whats happened with him He really loved Donna (his ex who has his child)...Well he may not admit it but at that time he really loved her...I do feel a bit insecure though...he got a new haircut and I think he look so god damn hot and cute...he was sitting on the couch playing on his bass while i was lying down looking up at him...and I thought wow i'm so lucky he likes me...but then here comes the insecurity...he's so amazingly perfect (well not quite but no one is and I love him for that) and i think i must be dreaming and then he turns and flashes me this cheesy smile and I know hes mine!!! But he knows all these gorgeous girls and then theres me....i wonder... why does he even like me?? Ahh I don't care i really do think I love him..he makes me soo happy!

Friday 9th June
Saw Amanda my psycologist today...had a nice convo that put things into perspective... still...things didn't quite work out the way i had planned like she told me to do..
Mmm...K well he txt me round 6:30 asking if I wanted him to come see me...OF COURSE I wanted to see him..I sat there in his car for a while just asking him what the hell he wanted...why he came to see me...trying to get him to explain this whole situation to me..he didn't say much.. It was pointless..he asked me what i wanted from him...And I told him...I just want him to like me and even care a little about me...all he said was he can't....Can't??? He can't like me or care about me because he would be setting me up and setting himself up...BULLSHIT...Right...and what did he want from me?? Nothing..that way he would lose nothing...well seeing as i was nothing.. and he couldn't like me or care about me..well then he wouldn't be losing me if i left..and so i got out of the car and told him...when he was ready to like me or care about me to give me a txt... Until then there isn't much i can do or say to change how he feels. Yes I bloody well understand he's been hurt but he won't even give me a chance...
His reply..I never had a chance from the time i was with Brian....DAMMIT so why did he keep calling me and txting me and turning up and my house!! I mean why bother??? I asked him if he could honestly and seriously tell me he didn't like or care about me one little bit.... no reply yet...

Thursday 8th June
Well...he really needs to stop screwing round with me...Rung me and we had a talk..and we had another disagreement...and ended with him saying I should find someone else...He said i only like him for sex...right...BULLSHIT...He just wouldn't believe I would like him despite his flaws.. Yes he's not perfect no one is!! I just enjoy him holding me and stroking my hair and then gently kissing me when he thinks i'm asleep...He told me that it was best we don't see each other anymore. Last txt he sent me was "Goodbye opezs" I txt him back saying...right I did guess right...you don't actually like me that much otherwise it wouldn't be so easy for you to constantly say goodbye to me...no reply...

Wednesday 7th June
Got a random txt from Gabe at 3pm asking if I was home...I asked why and he said no reason.. turns out he was at the bottom of my driveway :P haha seriously what happened to me wanting to keep things casual!!He's the one who keeps ringing and txtn and seeing me.. but no...were not dating...were not going out...hes not my boyfriend and i'm not his girlfriend and i'm not with him and hes not with me..blah blah blah...so what the heck do you classify this whole situation as? Emotionally attached fuck buddies??No idea...Was sweet of him to turn up but I have to admit I was in shock....Kyz called and we had a nice little chat.. ahh I miss some aspects of school...Yay got invited to Sam,Simon and Thomas' secret location party on Friday yay!! Gabe rung tonight wanting to know what my family thought of him...ok so maybe I was stupid by telling him the truth...And well he started acting all funny and got off the phone after talking to me for 5 minutes...which is unusual...Ahh its so damn weird though...I mean I'm not his girlfriend and so why would he care what my parents think. He kept saying he didn't but I could tell something was up...Its really unfair for me because what happened to the whole casual thing?? He doesn't want a girlfriend at the moment...but he gets worked up about what my family thinks..what the hell is going on???

Tuesday 6th June
I constantly wonder why I am prepared to do so much for him..To be so close to leaving my family...My parents have been really nice and they've decided to try and trust me again... And so they let me stay at Gabe's overnight on Sunday...Dad had earlier agreed that Gabe could stay the night here but Gabe said he wasn't comfortable...
I really enjoy just lying there and having him hold me and tuck my hair behind my ear then gently kiss me while he thinks i'm sleeping...I sat there in the morning while he was sleeping and thought to myself...How I wish I could take away all his problems.. He scares me sometimes because I don't know when he's going to snap next...I love his little quirks..The singing, roleplays and funny voices...He can be such a cheeky guy but I love it when he's being sweet...
On another note..I love my parents for being so great...Their actions have made me want to be good. I'm going to try my best to fix everything...And so yes I have been working with my designs and will start seriously looking into my design course at Unitec

Just a thought...
Why do I always end up going back to the people who cause me so much pain? Gabe was alive and all i wanted to do was see him. All I wanted was to have him hold me and tell me he was ok..and for me to let him know how much i need him...Selfish yes...but I don't want to be alone anymore..There was no way I would be allowed to stay at his and I knew he really needed someone to keep him from going further insane...I know because having been in a similar position being alone only causes you to sink...
And so if I had left...never again would I be allowed back home...I was fully prepared to do anything for him.. Gabe was on his way to pick me up..but then at the last minute he pulled out and said he couldn't screw up my life because of his problems...

Saturday 3nd June
FUCk how is it that things always go from good to bad...I mean..Thursday night things with Gabe were great..stayed the night at his and everything was sweet...*shush yes I know I'm grounded* And then yesterday round 8:30pm I get this txt saying he's going to end his life...I knew he'd been going through alot and stuff but I didn't think it was this extreme... It was insane!! I felt so fucking helpless to know that he was suicidal, out drinking excessively and driving...I rung him and all he did was have a go at me...I've NEVER in my life cried so much over a guy...not being able to do anything about his situation...and me going crazy inside the house I just left...Went for a walk and Corey and Zak met up with me...I was absolutely hysterical...I've barely got anyone left to talk to and if Gabe was gone...thats it.. I'm left alone again...Why why why do I always end up attaching myself to people who have issues...or perhaps people with issues attract others with issues...I really do care about him and all he was saying to me was sorry that I fell for a loser like him...

Wednesday 31st May
Woke up at 1pm with swollen eyes..great...was extremely pissed...Wrapped up my parcel and went to post office...bought stamps and envelopes to ship CDs off...Went shopping.. Txtd Gabe saying sorry and yay things worked out...
And here come the clutz moment...I managed to lose $2.70 worth of stamps!!!I must have accidentally dropped them in the mall...*sigh*
Ahh so sad...Gabe was going to come see me!! He wanted me to stay at his but..mmm... of course i wasn't allowed...so he didn't end up coming because he was still in his work clothes...ahhh soooo frustrated
Tried to engage in friendly conversation after dinner only to have my mother call me fake!!!
Attempted to sketch only to have it end up looking like my other shit attempts at drawing ppl... gave up in further frustration
Gabe rung and I just been talking to him for the rest of the night...So not a good idea to be getting attached...bleh too late...

Tuesday 30th May
Mmm...was just talking to Liz on Msn...um Darna had a fit at me...cause I got Liz into trouble and she now has to go up to her Mums nearly every weekend because of what happened... Gave me shit about how i need to find new drinking friends because they were sick of babysitting me...Well fuck did I ASK anyone to babysit me? For all I care just leave me passed out on a couch I don't give a rats ass!! Geez...
Mmm...well Liz and Cherie went up to Josh's....and managed to piss the crap out of Gabe...who came to the conclusion that if he was to not associate with the...he would have to not see me or talk to me anymore...Wow I was soo fucking upset...it pissed me off that I like him so fucking much...when I told myself I would not get emotionally attached... and I was pissed that they couldn't get along and I was pissed that he was just gonna say goodbye to me because of them...so obviously I don't mean that much...

Monday 29th May
Okies...so it was great last night...haha was funny..Gabe's ex gf came round...mmm... that was interesting... got dropped off...and boy was I dead....Mum comes out...
"I should beat you to death!!!"
I couldn't be stuffed putting up with that shit and walked off...mm came home...packed my bags...organised a place to stay...in the end i figured...i was stuck with no money and no permanent place to stay...there was no point...I would have to stick it out...I am now grounded...with a 6pm curfew...if I break it...then...I shall definitely not be allowed back in the house....great...

Sunday 28th May
Its amazing how one night can change everything...Darna her boyfriend and a mate came over with a bottle of apple smirnoff....and I kinda had altogether...5 shots?? Well it didn't affect me till later on...and boy did it hit me...to the point i was lying on the floor being kicked and I could not feel it...and ahh fine ok I ended up puking...and then got Liz in shit because her sisters narked....bleh...ahhh.. oh and Gabe was supposed to come.. but didn't...because...someone answered the phone...and was giving him shit...and well it upset me when he wouldn't come...and I hung up on him...and ahhh feel like shit now because he sent me a bullshit txt....
So there I was moaning about how I screwed up when he txt me asking if I wanted Brian to pick me up to go to his...and then he would drop me off in the morning. Well Cherie had gone to Joshs..when me and Liz were K.Od and I didn't want to go or I would have upset Liz...Ended up going home..only to receive an abusive txt from Gabe saying not to txt, call or anything because he was sick of my shit blah blah blah...
Went home...things were good...Gabe apologised...I rung him...got him to pick me up... snuck out....got snapped when mum found me not sleeping in my room...

Saturday 27th May
Mmm...Part from a slightly interesting morning involving a car stuck in the mud and tripping over pants...Our Saturday has been rather dull..Oh um...I had an urge to eat and eat so yesterday night I had 7 pieces of toast...and 5 pieces this morning....Every single piece was smothered in margerine...mmm.....
Bleh bleh getting attached is against the rules...Eh no I shall not succumb to attachment.. I have issues...if I know I can't get a guy then I end up going crazy over them...and then when I can get them it wears off....awww I WANT GABE...although I should keep to my so called single status...yes no strings attached....awwwwwww....k u can tell I'm being pathetic but hey who cares.

Friday 26th May
Wow its been ages..so much has happened...um I think. Anyhow I really should have been keeping track of all the events...Guess I wasn't home often enough to do that though. Quick recap...Life is pretty good...No I do not have a job...I don't think I work well in retail..I'm trying to get into a design course....and also find a part time job I can actually put up with....Then I can move out and go flatting ...
"Everyone scream YES!!!!!!
Parents are pretty sweet..letting me get away with anything...I mean I shouldn't take advantage and stuff but hey its freedom...I know I can do things the right way but the wrong way just happens to be more fun and excitement...Yay drinks at Liz's tomorrow night!!!!!

Sunday 9th April
Woke up on the sofa...to the smell of bacon and eggs...mmm
Its so kewl I've grown out of my peanut allergy (its only cashews now) and I'm addicted to these yoghurt peanut bars...Lol I've eaten 2 whole boxes in a week...Hope I don't develop hives or something...
I feel like setting up a weekly quote from Jared page..He's funny..Anyways heres the newest quote from Jarey:
"Aww dude u knw I'm hea 4 u. Not in that way bt best friends..Aww sometimes I wish I wer ur brotha so i cld keep u company and beat u up"
Purely classic :P

Saturday 8th April
Okay...i'm an idiot..I must be the bigest moron/freak around...Someone PLEASE tell me why I freak out so easily? I start getting nervous..then I overthink everything..and I panic and stress and basically its not a comfortable position to be in...I swear i've tried to relax...I can't... I'm soo screwed...
"Eyes Wide Shut" is probably the shittiest movie I've seen...Like WTF???

Friday 7th April
Dum dee doo...its been a boring day..I can't actually remember what I've been doing.. See this is why you should write your thoughts down on the SAME day...of course my computer keep carking it...and so i'm left with borrowing the little kids computer...how sad

Thursday 6th April
Has anyone read Eragon by Christopher Paulini??Its pretty good and they're turning it into a movie...Been reading its sequeal "Eldest" over the week and I'm not even half way through....Its one MASSIVE book...Think all I've been doing is reading..eating and chatting to randoms...There are some pretty funny people out there...Lol tacos...funny...Rung Ruth today and we had a nice little chat...and I think we came to the conclusion that the world is to materialistic and pointless and we all need to go live in trees...

Wednesday 5th April
Poor Simon was apologizing because people were telling him he took advantage of me.... I mean look at the shit that happens when word gets round and people twist things.. The world is a horrible place to be...No wait I'll change that to...Single sex schools suck.. Whoah check out the alliteration...

Tuesday 4th April
Mmm went to my interview today with Kim and it turned out to be 100% better than what I was hoping it would be like...I got offered...the position...of....Duty Manager...Like whoah.. Dunno if i'll take it but most likely I will because its not often they offer someone like me this... So yeah...hmm been getting shit from people who I will not mention but i'm sure you can guess....
I'll repeat my 3 points for others
a) This site does not revolve around anyone else cept me...its MY site...and its my account of my life and stuff that happens
b) If you don't like the stuff I say...don't visit...
c) Its the internet and I will write whatever bloody well comes into my mind...

Ps. So if you have any complaints then feel free to leave them in the chat box on the links page.

Monday 3rd April
Well went to school today and I must say the this day was about the worst school day I have ever had...Its confirmed everything I think about school...IT SUCKS...People are so inconsiderate and nasty...I mean ok yes I made a mistake but do people have to rub it in??Bloody annoying.
Y es well got dragged out by the dean...she was all like oh I can see I've upset you...Well NAHH just point the obvious out..She was telling me how she earns $50k a year and can't afford her own house and therefore I wouldn't be able to...Well stuff that I'll prove her wrong!!!Managed to get the rest of careers off to much round with Caitlin and Christine who were "talking" to me...We had fun :P

Sunday 2nd April
Dad's birthday today....
Well guess I'm off to school tomorrow...promised several people I would go back...Although I'm pissed off...Theres a bunch of people going off at Simon and they're all angry...How am I feeling...angry...Why is it they're only caring now...why when it really does mean alot to me no ones seems to be there...

Saturday 1st April
It really surprises me how from wanting to be a doctor i've come down to this... I know I should fight back..I know i'm sinking again..but maybe I want to just hide in all this..Just to be by myself and get away from everything...Its too hard to fight it.

Friday 31st March
Hitched a ride to Janelles...Kylie went round telling everyone not to give me any drinks.. managed to get quite a bit though just to piss her off...and so yes I screamed my head off at her...What does it matter to her if I get off my face..my parents know and they don't care.Everyone says she cares..but if she does...then why does she ditch me at school...why do I end up feeling so damn lonely..
Yes well piece of advice...do not make phone calls when you are drunk...basically try not to do ANYTHING when you're off your face.

Thursday 30th March
Talked with mum and I decided I would leave school...So went out today to look for a job.. Applied at whole bunch of places. Hung out with Darna and Liz...not much happened... Got an interview with Pumpkin Patch/Urban Angel manager on Tuesday...Hamish my neighbour saw me walking around...must think i'm a piece of shit..

Wednesday 29th March
Spent the day at home...why?...Having the choice to stay at home or go to school...I picked the stupid but obvious choice...May move schools...Or be homeschooled...or correspondance.. Or whatever will stop me from literally going insane..I think I need to get away from people.

Tuesday 28th March
Day off school today...
Spent it going to New Lynn with the little kid for her birthday...This guy at the shops said I sounded young and asked me how old I was...He said I sounded 14...but looked 17-19.. How retarded is that?

Monday 27th March
Could not stand school any longer...skipped first 2 periods then walked out of school. Stayed the night at Liz's...and apparently according to Russel...I look 10...I'm gonna beat the living crap out of him next time we meet again.

Saturday 25th March
Just wanted to share a really nice piece of common sense advice my best friend told me:
1) Don't be jealous because its ugly
2)If he's moved on maybe you didn't mean that much to him
3)There's always the possiblity that she's a rebound girlfriend...but don't believe it just because you want to


Ps. Most surprisingly bit of all...is that this came from a guy!

Friday 24th March
Hmm...spent the last 4 hours or so working on ball tickets for the Cadets Ball Exchange...Think it turned out ok...I think...um been pigging out on shapes...I feel sick now. Was thinking about adding a little quiz section to this page. Stuffs sorted out at school I think...Oh and its sooo soo sad...I am officially a nerd and a complete geek...
Why?
I am a computer freak
I like math
I need glasses(but i wear contacts)
I read comic books
I like star wars
It actually amazes me how much of a nerd I am...

Thursday 23rd March
Ah yes I see wanting a nosy about whats been happening in my life?
Well first entry in my blog today...hopefully I will be motivated enough to write an entry everyday...
Not much happening today...finally set this site up..will be working on developing it more. There is a "great divide" within our year twelve girls... Something along the lines of spreading rumours, and bitchiness and stuff. Usual things you would come to expect from being in an all girls college..
Actually something good DID happen! I won $150 worth of CDs from Zm 91.0....Yesh so will wait for them to arrive.
Been invited to Liz's brothers house...although not sure if parents will trust me enough to let me go anywhere...They say they're gonna give me more privacy but not sure they want me out of their sights just yet...