Sandbagging the Desert
A random look at life in general.
Section Two - The Silver Forest
- The First Time I Saw Her
- I Developed a Time Machine
- My Last Door
- Reoccurring Dream
- Chance?
- The Fight of a Lifetime
- So Many Questions
- I Looked in Eternity
- Sleep Beckons
Section Two
The Silver Forest
I needed a place where I could put some personal writing. Things that didn't quite go with the silly, strange stuff found in the rest of this site. So here, in a little section called "The Silver Forest" (which was the name of the first poem I ever wrote) is Stories and Poetry that mean something.
The First Time I Saw Her
As She walks in to the room, the crowds part, and only I can see Her.
It's not that She's any taller then the other girls.
It wasn't Her face, it wasn't Her clothes, there was something else.
Other guys looked at the prettier girl.
Other guys only looked at the girls who wore that or this.
But I had never care for those, because what She had was beyond all of that.
I had never been to any foreign country,
I had never been to a diplomatic dinner,
I never knew anything but the girls in front of me.
But in my eyes, in my view, I saw nobility, possibly deity.
She held Herself as a princess, but She was not higher then anyone.
She knew something about Herself that no one else knew,
She was a true woman, a lady, everything of fiction, but in life...
She was a princess, a goddess...
She showed it in Her words, Her clothes,
She was respected by all, and those who knew what She knew bowed to her.
I don't know what pure love really is,
But at that time, I needed Her in the purest way,
I wanted to eternally feel of the light in Her eyes.
Then I had sinking feeling.
I am a mere mortal; I have done many wrong and horrible things in my life.
I am undeserving of this goddess.
A voice from inside of me whispers,
"You can be like Her,
And have the same light She has.
You know what Her secret is, and you've always known it.
And when you remember her secret, you will know of the way to the truth, and the light.
That is when You have found the light, and only then, do You deserve Her."
So, I search inside myself, so the same truth and light She has.
As I search and listen, I find the truth, I find the better me.
And I like what I become.
Someday, I hope to be able to love this goddess.
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I Developed a Time Machine
I developed a time machine recently, and so I went to my past. I watched myself from a distance as a small child on a playground. I watched me...watch them play. I watched me watch them being laughing and running on the playground. Then I watched myself walk slowly inside the school. I remembered days of sadness, of not being let in. I remember days when helping the teacher was "more fun" then going outside. I sat in my past engulfed in darkened memories killed with the passage of time. I couldn't stand it, so I left my past behind me.
I developed a time machine recently, and so I went to my future. I watched myself from a distance at a deck hunched over a stack of papers. I watched me stay after hours. I watched me slowly head to my car. Then I watched myself drive to an empty house, alone for the day. I saw in my eyes days of sadness, when I had nothing to go home for. I saw days when I stayed overtime, to make money for no one but me. I saw myself in a lonely despair in a sadness I'd never known before. But I felt no pain, the future is no here and doesn't matter... yet. I wanted to change it, and so I left the future behind me.
I developed a time machine recently, but I left it alone. The past is behind me. The future doesn't matter. Its now... now is what's important. Now is a gift that's why it's called the present
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My Last Door
Note: This goes along with the article Trick-or-Teen found in the Adventures in Journalism
I never really enjoyed Halloween. I never thought it was important. I never thought that I might be able to learn so much about myself from a dumb little holliday.
I followed my brother around the neighborhood, feeling weird at my own reflection. A 6 foot 3 inch tall young man, asking for candy. I felt strange, and right after I started I wanted to give up. "No," I thought to myself. "This is what life is. Always in life, you must do things you have to do. You must always do what is needed of you. Stick it out and see what happens."
The first hour passed by, I found myself reflecting opon myself in between houses. I remembered piles of candy on my bed. I remembered the joy of running, and the laughter of youth. It was then that I found myself. Not all of myself, but a small piece, long forgotten. A part of me that contained so much energy, I couldn't hold on to it without it dragging me along with it. I grabbed onto it, not wanting to let go of it, and lose it again. It pulled me along for another few hours, taking me back to a wide eyed me, a time of dreams, a time of hope, a time of joy. I found what so many call "the inner child." I was happy, innocence regained.
I put a sheet over my head, and I left my house as a young man, learned, and strong. I walked back in as a child, with a light in my eyes clean and pure. A light that was better than any chocolate. I like Halloween now.
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Reoccurring Dream
Feeling tired, restless nights,
Can�t seem to sleep in the heat.
Not quite awake, not really asleep,
Teetering cognizance...
Dreams are light, and wild flashes,
I�ve seen you before,
I knew it was you,
But I know not your name,
Or your features.
You stand there in front of me,
My mind's eyes gaze,
My mind struggling to keep remembrance of anything.
But as morning victory brings an end to dreams,
I find nothing of you left in my remembrance.
A feeling is all I have to remember you by,
A warm, fullness, felt by all parts of my being.
If I were to see you walking by, I would not know you.
If I were to here your voice, I�d still be lost.
If I were to read your words, I would not know you better...
If I were to hold you�
Well, I do not know
Of what then might happen,
Of what destiny would bring.
We met again last night,
Again, I fought to treasure you.
Last night, I won, I recall.
You eyes are what I remember.
Your eyes, your eyes,
What light!
Your eyes, your soul,
What depth!
Innumerable worlds, Immeasurable heights.
I will search for you!
Reality can be just as close as fantasy.
You do exist, and I will find you.
I will find you.
Until I do� I will wait for the night.
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Chance?
A cloudless sky in a summer afternoon.
Lie in the grass and wonder.
Not a thing up there except the blue,
And the thoughts in my head now inner search
To what is there beyond the azure horizon.
When the sapphire sky does disappears,
What comes into my view?
The black infinity of space
The boundless dark, the unfathomable cosmos,
A limitless void littered with bits of matter.
The mind cannot comprehend the area,
The galaxies, the stars, the planets,
All together to create one universe.
A universe in harmony with itself
Full of order, hierarchy, a plan� could this have happened by chance?
I�m off on a daze and my mind wanders back home.
I wake up and begin to see the world expand.
A butterfly flaps before me, lands on a blossom
A bee moves to a flower, apples on my tree,
Advances ecosystems, complex creatures� could this have happened by chance?
It�s weird to see those people, and to hear them talk
That God doesn�t exist, that religion is a sham.
I always wonder how they came up to that point.
With the universe, the world, all in perfect order,
If they believe God is myth, they must really be blind.
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The Fight of a Lifetime
Fight, fight, inner self,
Defences never put down.
The prize is too great,
So fight and don't wait
You'll last til' the end of the round.
A fight for your life
does now begin
Through trouble and strife
You'll pull out the win!
While temptation and pain
May come by your way
Fight, and the victory
will come that last day.
Fight, fight, inner self,
Defences never put down.
The prize is too great,
So fight and don't wait
And we'll win at the end of the round.
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So Many Qustions
How did you feel?
What kinds of sorrowful, stinging, painful feelings had to have gone in your mind?
What was going through your mind?
What thinking led you to this?
What where you thinking?
Were you lonely?
Were you lost?
Did you not remember the people who loved you...
Loved...you...
Why are you in past tense?
What could be so sad?
How could this have happened?
Who were you thinking about?
Were you thinking at all?
Did you ever think of Him?
Did you ever think of me?
Did you ever think of your family?
Did you ever think of her?
Did you ever think ahead?
Did you know how many miss you?
Why did I not write you?
Why did I not drop by?
Why did you have to do this?
Why did you have to die?
Oh, man, I suddenly feel a part of me is gone.
I can not take this anymore!
No one should ever leave like this!
Why didn�t you reach out?
Why do you make me cry?
Why couldn�t you have told me something?
Why did you have to die?
Tears drop on the keyboard...
I started right after I heard...
Oh, so many questions...
Did I not notice?
Did you give me any signs?
I had your number, why'd I never call?
Why did one of my few friends have to leave?
I don�t want to be selfish, man,
But did you think about me?
I only have a few friends that were as close as you!
Guys don't say this to each other, but, I loved you, man, I miss you...
Oh, so many questions,
So many left unanswered.
These two torment my mind:
Could I have stopped it?
And this last one:
Why?
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I Looked in Eternity
To the one that comes in the night, when the world drips away and reality ceases. To the one that continually fills my mind with thoughts of happiness and love. To the one that I will never stop believing in. To the one who, currently, has no name:
I am not ready to meet you. I need to grow and become the man worthy of you. Time has been my enemy, slowing passing, giving of me dreaded seasons, lonely days. My mind thinks of you often. I strain to picture that face I had seen so many times before. Piecing together memories from our lives before time. Places, pictures, words, songs seem familiar. I have seen them, read them, and heard them before, when I was with you. They are here with me now, but you are not.
I used to think how horrible it was, being alone. I couldn�t stand being cold in the day, and warmed by your presence in my dreams. Every hint of love made me cry for you.
I looked in eternity today. I stared down its long corridors and continued to look. It never stopped. I looked in eternity today, and I realized how small now was. I looked behind me, and I saw us together. I looked forward, and I saw us together. My mind was made clear and my heart made calm.
I looked in eternity. We are apart for only seconds. We will be together forever. I miss you, to say anything else would be a lie. I looked though eternity. I will meet you again, for the first time. What are decades apart compared to lifetimes together?
To the one in my dreams: I love you. I miss you. But I can manage alone for this short, short time; because I looked in eternity and saw you.
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Sleep Beckons
Love, Joy, Contentment, Love, Peace� Life was great�still difficult, still hard, but still somehow perfect. It was all I could ever dream it could have been. They were all there, every last one of them. I couldn�t imagine of anything more.
The radio turned on by itself, the alarm I set the day before performs its job to the correct second. Slowly, I am pulled back into reality, the slow haunting piano melody playing my hidden outlook. The right side of the bed is undisturbed the blanket has no wrinkle or imprint, but is as it was the night before. I get out of bed; time is never on my side in the morning. I proceed into the bathroom, the images of the night before still burning in my mind. Haunting me with every step I take farther into the day. I try to forget them, which forgetfulness comes with time to my mind (for it could never vividly remember), but never comes to my heart. The pit only gets larger.
With my hands I turn on the bathroom faucet, a little more cold then warm. Splash my face with freezing water and stare back at my reflection. He does not do as I, but instead beckons to come back to fantasy. I touch my face, making sure I am now awake. It feels real, yet the reflection doesn�t show my movements, for he doesn�t touch his face, but only reflects something else I cannot see.
I look away from the mirror, taking his advantage away. I see the window. The sky is gray and overcast, yet there is some light, and it�s snowing outside. There�s the same precipitation as rain, but it comes down eerily silent. The world inside knows nothing of it until they look out closely, for no sound comes from the snow, as it silently suffers the frightening fall. I try not the think about her anymore, but still no resolution comes. And it hits the ground.
I leave for the bus sign, the travel becomes longer in winter, and I wait there. I am freezing. The snow is falling so hard. I can�t seem to catch a single flake. They always melt in my hand, just like anything beautiful like that. But the bus will be warm� the bus will be so warm.
So I find a seat, I take a deep breath, and I try to force myself back to sleep.
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