Does ANYONE care about the WNBA? (6-20-2005)
Although you don't see it too often, could you imagine the stuff you could have gotten away with as a child with a stoma? You know, the hole that some people breathe through if they've had a tracheotomy, throat cancer, etc? First off, you could shoot spitballs out of it in class like crazy, and no one would finger you because 1) you're the kid with a dissability, 2) all you have to hide is the ammo (easily in the mouth, because you can't be asked to talk), and 3) have you ever known anyone to shoot a spitball from their stoma? Yah, I didn't think so. (6-21-2005)
France...just shut up. Every time you bitch about something that the US goverment does, God places you lower down on his totem pole of entrance in to Heaven. Right now, French whiners are somewhere above mosquitos but below lawyers (except for French Lawyers...who occupy the last spot in with Hitler and Robert Horry) and Tele-tubbies. You whiny French can continue bitching when you don't ask us to bail you out the next time you're invaded. (6-21-2005)
It blows my mind that, time after time, people come into Abuelo's (where I work) and ask what items on our menu don't have peppers. Honestly, you walk into a Mexican restaurant and ask your waiter what food isn't "spicy"? Are you kidding!?!? It's a MEXICAN restaurant and EVERYTHING has spices and peppers in it!!! If you don't like spicy food, eat at Applebee's. Customers are not always right...however, they are always idiots. (6-30-2005)
We are witnessing the second coming of Jesus, and he's arriving on a bike in France. I mean honestly, how can Lance Armstrong not be the Savior? He had cancer in his junk AND lungs AND brain and has just won his 7th straight Tour de France...now that's a miracle. That makes the feeding of 5,000 seem like handing out pre-cooked food from a McDonald's drive-through. I heard that Lance wins so easily because he can ride on water, has no testicles, and Cheryl Crow (aka Mary Magdalen) sings him to sleep each night of the tour. Besides, those "LIVESTRONG" bands are way more popular now than the so-1992 "WWJD" bracelets.
(7-19-2005)
I'm beginning to think that I should just stop lying to people when I first meet them by legally changing my name to "Don Juan" Switzer, Jr. This way, I'll remain being called DJ by the masses, yet I can still tell the retards at work that's what my real name is. It would be a unique coversation starter, to say the least..."Well I changed it to Don Juan because I wanted to satisfy my ego by calling myself THE legendary lover. So do you want to make out now or what?" Anyone else liking this idea yet? (7-19-2005)
Here are the international rules about starting shit. 1) Check to make sure you're actually involved in the situation before throwing yourself, or fists, into said situation. 2) Hit like a man and confront the person to their face, because sucker punching people is cheap and automatically makes you a bitch. No one likes a cheap bitch. 3) And don't talk shit and then hide; face the aftermath of your actions. My little sister used to do that when she was like five...and well, I think for the most part only little girls talk shit and then hide. And even she realized that she'd get her's eventually. For example, talking shit and hiding in a bathroom is an an excellent way to look like a five year-old girl. 4)Should you start shit like a cheap bitch, don't walk around all hard. Anyone can sucker punch anyone. One time, I met Corey Dillon. As he walked away, I could have easily sucker punched him. However, I know that if I had actually confronted the man and punched him as he saw it coming it would probably work out differently. So, for those of you not connecting the dots, you're not hard if you're a cheap bitch. 5) Expect retaliation if you violated any of the above rules. Because if you violated any of these rules, you probably shouldn't have started shit and should have just minded your own business. (7-25-2005)
I'm going to just come out and say what nearly everyone at this school is thinking. We be ugly; REALLY ugly. Now I won't go as far as to say that there are no attractive people at ONU, nor am I implying that unattractive people are stupid/worthless/uncool/sterile. But seriously, we have a near complete absence of hotness on this campus. If you don't believe me, let's try a little experiment. Think of two of your best friends in Ada; if both of them are ugly, odds are...so are you. I've developed two theories to explain the ONU Phenomenon. 1) Our tour guiedes are normally dorky, ugly kids. Go to the schools with the hottest student populations and you'll see smoking girls that they flaunt to lure more hot students (Ex: Miami, UNC, etc.) That's just poor marketing of resources. 2) The second theory postulates that ONU gives a "minority" scholarship for overweight students. Said scolarships only require you to be a good student and be 30+ pounds overweight. A nondiscriminating institution, ONU affords thin students the opportunity to earn this scholarship by providing an endless supply of ice cream and cookies in MacIntosh. I smell conspiracy...is Dr. Baker trying to make this the ugliest school in America? Thank God for good looking people, like me, to balance out all of the uglies; you should be thanking me. (10-20-2005)