2000b

Part II

Alan and I fell into each other. He needed a shoulder and the confidence from someone else to reassure him that what he was doing was right. I meanwhile just needed someone to tell me that they loved me. Defyn and Conor were five and three years old the words I love you were repeated parrot fashion and I wanted to hear it from someone who knew what love was. I didn't hear those words until I was seven months pregnant with Alex. At least Alan was honest I suppose. I started to see things going wrong, the way Defyn and Conor were practically ignored if Phillipa was there, Phillipa iforming them that she could get them into trouble because Daddy believed her but not them. I chose to ignore it and to hope that things would improve as time moved on.

I don't know how many court cases there were over Phillipa, all I know is that for the five and a half years I was with Alan, The Children's Act was always on the tip of his tongue.

In January 1996 Alex was born. My sister friend Suzie was there as was Alan. We all cried when he emerged from the depths. Alan asked me to marry him, and I accepted.

We got back to normal life, well as normal as possible with a baby anyways. Alan approached me very soon after Alex was born with a suggestion that to this day I regret so much. He asked me to put Alex on his welfare books. He told me we were going to get married anyway but it would keep the CSA off his back with regard to Phillipa, he could claim Legal Aid for all the court cases for Phillipa and effectively we would be laughing. I said yes believing his every word. I believed him when he said we would always be together.

I brought up the subject of the wedding within a fortnight of Alex being born, and within a week of Alan receiving his first child benefit cheque. Alan told me that we could not afford to get married and wouldn't be for a very long time. I argued that should we both get a job then it would be possible. He said he couldn't get a job because the CSA would get him. There was never going to be a wedding I was never going to be his wife. I was lied to and it hurt but at the time I took everything he said and I believed him.

I went to college for a short time, I had to give it up as I was made to feel guilty for having time to myself. It was easier to leave college than to go home afterwards.

There is so much strife and I don't know if this is therapy or not.

Fast forward to the year 2000. I had been in work for a year. I had changed hours and all sorts to try and keep Alan happy nothing worked he wanted me to pack in work. I wasn't prepared to. It wasn't much but it was mine and I loved it. The nights he didn't work I did, and that's where his iunsecurities came out. I was accused of sleeping with at least five different men, I couldn't buy new clothes, shave my legs, even pluck my eyebrows without a grilling session. I was no longer in love with Alan and hadn't been for a long time, but it's the old thing of sticking with him for the sake of the children. But it wasn't only that I was sticking with him because I knew he would take Alex and Sean with him. We had had serious rows where he would pick them up and tell me it was the last time I was going to see them. Funny how my own children felt so temporary. Alan knew the law, he knew how to bend it, constantly cheating and bending the law. I knew if I got rid of him I lost my children too because he would bend the law to his advantage. I was starting to learn, but it was too late.