| STILL SMILING |
| Alan took Alex and Sean as I knew he would. He took the contents of my home when I was in hospital recovering from my attempt on my life. Life wasn't worth living without my children. He took every photograph of my mother, my underwear, absolutely everything. He tried to break me. I didn't break I am here to say I didn't break. We went to court. His favourite place. I fought for my children and I got them back, he told the courts that I had not been involved with my children since they were born. He told my chidlren that I used to be a prostitute, he told them that I tried to kill myself by taking too many tablets. Alex still has nightmares about mummy taking tablets. I fought so hard and all this while he is following me around and threatening me and scratching messages on cars. Well, guess what?, after only two years and seeing my chidlren pulled from pillar to post I have finally given up my children. I feel like a total bitch for doing it but there was no other decision left. It has been eight weeks since I last seen Alex and Sean and I cannot describe the pain that I feel. Maybe at last they don't have to worry about if daddy is lying to them because mummy isn't there to contradict the things daddy says. Now they know where they live, there will be no more court battles for anyone. If Alan wants a fight then he will have to fight alone because I am done with fighting and having my childrens heads screwed up in the process. Alan should you ever read this then let it be known that it isn't over, one day the good guys will win, and I was wrong you are not a good guy. This man now has Phillipa living with him too, guess what? Kaffi his ex before me couldn't take any more either so she let him win, she too gave up her daughter to this man. Why the interest in such young children? I have started to question so much about Alan. For now I will write to my children who live down the road and for the next few years will be brought up to hate me. I know they will be told stories about how their mummy didn't love them anymore and dumped them. I haven't abandoned my children I have saved them from a life of visiting court welfare officers, of having the police continuously at the door. I have also saved myself, because since I let Alan have Alex and Sean he hasn't followed me, I have had no threats, my life is quiet. So very quiet................ You never know who you are with until it is time to say goodbye. Alan may god forgive you for what you have done, because I never will. |
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| February 2003 I contacted Alan two days before Sean's 6th birthday to arrange to see my boys. Alan had not chnaged. He accused me of lying and called me for all sorts......leopards never change their spots do they? He told me that the boys no longer wanted me, nor idd they love me......Do I believe him? No of course not as lying is second nature to this man in his focus to destroy me. It didn't even hurt that he said so many predictable things it was laughable, I have grown and he has stagnated in his own venom. I just hope that my boys do not grow up thinking that that vengeance is a natural trait in a human being. All my doubts this past year as to whther I was doing the right thing for walking away has been confirmed completely by his actions. I have done the right thing, he will never give up or change and I will never be his victim again. |