| Doctor William Pastry�s History Of Rock �N� Roll Ooh Yee-uh In the beginning there was fuck-all. There was no universe, which meant that there was no rock �n� roll. This annoyed God because it meant that he couldn�t get on up like a big funky sex machine. Thusly, he began to create the universe. He made planet earth and the Garden of Eden, into which he put some lemmings and also the first man and woman: Adam and Eve. History records how they fell from favour with God. It records it incorrectly. It wasn�t a snake that tempted Adam & Eve. Hell no. It was Bill Haley and the Comets with their debut single �Nice Crunchy Apple� which was eventually recorded and released on Eden records as the B-side to �Rock Around the Clock� which was originally titled �Rock Around the Clock You Mother-fucking Mumba-Spider�. (The Mumba-Spider was a mythical beast, which was essentially a giant spider that had Samantha Mumba�s face). After watching an episode of American sitcom �Friends�, Chuck Berry realised he was wasting his life and shot himself in the face. Thankfully he survived and recorded �Roll Over Beethoven� before being arrested for actually attempting to roll the famous classical composer in a huge tray of dough. Some say he was trying to make a giant sausage roll, others say he was just chillin�. In 1066, the Battle of Hastings was fought and Harold lost his guitar. It was a sad day for British rock �n� roll. Harold hadn�t quite finished his new single and the remaining guitar had to be played by a session musician. The magic of Harold�s playing wasn�t there and Elvis Presley�s classic �Look At My Thighs� beat the record to the top spot. In 1914 the 2nd World War started. Many young men were called up and far from home and in miserable conditions they felt compelled to compose. Eddie Cochrane, for example, wrote �Summertime Blues� after he had to eat his dead friends to survive�and Gene Vincent recorded a single called �Bayoneted Through the Lungs� which was later put on his best-selling album �Here Come the Germans � Just Time For One Last One Off the Wrist If We Hurry, Lads.� During the 3rd World War, music began to progress and Winston Churchill signed the Beastie Boys. The Shamen bombed Pearl Harbour and dropped copies of their new single �Plumbs� on the survivors. Adolf Hitler meanwhile dueted with Burt Bacharach on an album of ragtime covers which they wittily named �Duvet�. After the 3rd World War attitudes had changed and a new sound arrived. Four Tory backbenchers and a baker formed the Beatles and took over Sweden. Shirley Bassey invented rap and ushered in a whole new era of music. After a while she died, leaving her pancreas to take over the business. The pancreas released �Where�s My Liver?� an album that flopped mainly due to the strained vocal style and use of the same programmed drumbeat on every track on the record. It also attracted criticism for it�s controversial views � portrayed in such songs as �Bunnies Should Be Wiped Out�, �Suck My Pancreas�, and �Big Gay Bonfire�. Music turned sour, and manufactured pop came in to make everyone believe that everything was okay. Songs such as �I Look Into Your Eyes & Forget About Animal Experimentation.� and �Don�t Worry About Chemical Weapons �Cause We�ll Be Best Friends Forever� were released. It was the end of music. |