| Brian and the sponge went over to the mortuary van and dragged out the driver, kicking and screaming. �No!� screamed the driver �Please don�t wash me! I�ll never live it down! It�s horrible, driving this van. I try to hang out with all the fat smelly trucker guys � They�re the only people I ever meet � But I just can�t get fat and smelly enough.� He began to weep. �Please � anything�anything. Just don�t wash meeeee.� Brian tried to console him. �I can assure you that the giant sponge is only here as my friend and personal sponge. You need not fear. Also � do not worry. I am sure that one day you will become a fat piece of shit. It�s bound to happen � All you do is drive a Goddamn van about.� A look of joy spread across the driver�s face and he had a cardiac arrest. �Not another one� sighed the sponge, �Do we have to take him home too?� �Nah � one�s enough.� said Brian cheerfully. �Good.� Said the sponge, and they made their way towards the van. �Smells a bit.� said Brian, holding his nose as they opened the back doors. �Yeah � you wouldn�t catch me sponging that smelly fucker.� Declared the sponge, frowning. After a while, they managed to wrestle Luther�s corpse into the back of the truck. �He doesn�t look too well, does he sponge?� said Brian with a look of concern as he climbed back into the cabin. �That�s because he�s dead, Brian.� Said the sponge. �Oh yes � I was forgetting.� Said Brian, smiling. It took them a while to find Luther�s family house but eventually they did, parking the truck jauntily halfway through the hedge. The house was a modest little affair with wooden walls and a couple of broken windows that had had to be boarded up. This is what happens to trendy people, thought Brian. They spend all their money on fashionable clothing and accessories and then they end up having to live in shit-holes like these without even enough money to fix anything. Still � he had to admit it looked kind of cute all covered in snow. �Stop thinking stupid thoughts� growled the sponge, �and get in that Goddamn door.� �Right you are, sponge.� Said Brian, snapping to attention and helping to lift Luther from the truck. They staggered up to the front-porch and rested Luther against the wall. �Go on,� said the sponge, �Ring the doorbell.� �Hang on.� Said Brian, �Do you think we should put a bow on him or something? After all � It is Christmas!� The sponge looked at Brian. Mrs. Mary Lichenstein had just finished vacuuming the front room and was wondering whether to check that the children were safely tucked up before she started wrapping their Christmas presents, when all of a sudden the doorbell rang. Opening the door, she found herself face to face with a tall, striking man, a giant luminous yellow sponge (roughly four feet in height), and the decomposing body of her husband � dressed in a Santa Claus hat, plastic reindeer antlers, and huge false breasts. He was also bound up in a large scarlet bow. She fainted dead away. �Damn it!� exclaimed Brian, �She didn�t take that quite as well as I�d hoped.� �That,� said the sponge, �Is entirely due to your ridiculously optimistic view of life.� �What�re you saying, sponge?� asked Brian with a confused little smile. �I�m saying,� the sponge with something akin to pity, �That you are a na�ve son of a bitch.� �Oh.� Said Brian with a grin. �Ah well � never mind.� �What do you mean �never mind�? The man is dead, Brian! Look what we�ve done. We�ve destroyed this family! He�s dead! HE�S DEAD!� �So he�s dead,� said Brian cheerfully, �Life goes on.� His smile dropped. �Oh wait�No it doesn�t. He�s dead.� �Well done, Brian. You�re growing up finally.� Said the sponge, �Things don�t always turn out for the best and there is NEVER EVER a happy ending.� �At least he looks nice.� Muttered Brian. �No he doesn�t, Brian!� yelled the sponge, �He looks dead! Festively dead perhaps but still dead! He�s dead! DEAD!� Brian sighed. �Can�t we do anything, sponge?� The sponge looked at Brian. It was difficult to remain angry with someone so fuckin� happy. �Alright, Brian.� Said the sponge. We�ll try and bring him back to life.� �Hooray!� cried Brian joyously, with a little dance. THE END |
| BRIAN'S SPONGE...CONTINUED |