Title: Kironide

Author: Marcy Wilson-Cales

Series: TOS

Codes:Mc/Parmen (implied)

Rating: S - for extremely silly

Disclaimer: Viacom owns Star Trek. Yadda, yadda.

Summary: A newsreport about Kironide...

Feedback: To [email protected]

Beta: none

Note: Part of the Doctor Fuh-q Fest.

Kironide

FROM:FEDERATION INVESTIGATIONS; M.S. SEVENSTARS REPORTING

Starfleet Medical has announced rumors of kironide as the ultimate weapon are overstated. "Sure it's cool to float things with your thoughts, but not at the cost of *my* chromosomes." Said a medical secretary who agreed to be interviewed on anonymity.

In scientific jargon, kironide is a rare element that can cause a person to move physical objects at will using only their brainpower; it also plays havoc on the user's complete and entire sexual glands. In males the substance eventually reverts them to their earlier evolutionary form of female. In females they lose the all-important second leg of their right chromosome and become male.

This FEDN-stigator managed to track down Dr. Leonard McCoy, who was personally involved with both the discovery of the Platonian colony who (ab)used kironide in this form, and the kironide itself. We are grateful that he agreed to an interview amid the celebration of his 467th charge of insubordination to a ranking superior in the Curl Up N' Dye Hair Salon, Bar and alternative bookstore. As FEDN readers are well aware, Dr. McCoy has been waging war with Starfleet over military rank in the (legally separate) Medical field since signing on. This time it was his audible, public comparison of Admiral Croft to a Denebian Wartsucker that prompted his current status of Sub-Yeoman (SEE P. A-2 FOR FURTHER DETAILS)

"Yep."He drawled. "Kironide looked real good to those military honchos for a while, but then they started lookin' at what was goin' on at a chromosome level." He snickered and knocked back his drink."Darndest thing. I couldn't understand why Parmen and his people thought they were inflicting torture on Jim and Spock by makin' kiss pretty women until those secondary tricorder readings came in. I mean, if you want torture, try to imagine the First Officer doin' a flamenco. It's true what they say: Vulcans can't pirouette worth a damn. It's probably that overdeveloped left hemisphere; they're top-heavy on one side."

As FEDERATION INVESTIGATION readers from the past may remember, The Platonians fled Earth an undetermined, but really really long time ago to settle their own utopia in deep space.After absorbing the rare element of kironide in their food and water supply, their brains developed psychokinetic superiority. It soon turned into an utopia for everybody but one member, the dwarf Alexander who was immune to the telekinetic powers of kironide and downgraded into all-around mascot/comic relief/whipping boy.

Alexander is currently working at a Federation Counseling Agency for Dismemberment Addicts and agreed to be interviewed between planning his wedding to a Rigellian double-femur-amputee.

"Yeah, for a while I did wonder what was going on." He admitted. "I was the only one who stayed the way I was; Dr. McCoy says it has to do with the pituitary deficiency that makes me a dwarf. I guess it's true that it's the little things that count." He summed it up rather calmly:

"It's not that much of a shocker though. I mean, after all, we based everything on Plato's teachings, and Plato was always complaining about this sulky little prettyboy who was always hangin' off his lips. You have to remember, philosophers *are* different--they can rationalize anything."

When asked if it was difficult to remain the same while everyone else changed, another shrug was his answer.

"Well Parmen could be tough to be around once a month, y'know?And he was definitely pre-menstrual when he hurt his leg and got the ENTERPRISE crew down--got to stamping around in the grape arbor and complaining about watergain when he fell. Those painkillers the doc brought down, they were like, really cosmic. But Parmen probably wanted more than painkillers from McCoy if you know what I mean. He always had this weakness for Galatian barbarians, even before we left earth."

Dr. McCoy, when informed of this statement, was quick to respond:

"Hell.It's the blue eyes. Mom allus said that was the only reason why she went after that footloose stillhound that was Dad. Galatian? I don't think I've ever been called that before. I try to keep track of that kind of thing. That's a very New Testament kind of thing to level at a guy."

Captain Kirk was absorbed in proper wedding-service protocol for Rigellians and refused all attempts at being interviewed, but admitted in his report to his superiors (now declassified) that he had deep suspicions about the Platonians.

"It just didn't seem right that the men were wearing shorter skirts than the women."

Commander Spock confirmed this assessment.

"For a humanoid male, Parmen spent a great deal of time posturing and reclining." The Vulcan agreed in a rare interview. "On Vulcan we would certainly refer to the Platonians as "of a fluid gender."

McCoy was somewhat more blunt. "He had a bitchin' good time bitch-slappin' us around.

Spock didn't seem to understand why Parmen'd get up and leave in the middle of it, take short breaks, come back all relaxed with a smile on his face, you know what I mean? My internal warning systems were running "all systems go" when he made me sit with him and watch the things they were doin' to Jim and Spock." He stopped and shuddered.

"I was on one side, and Mr. Bimbo--his wife...or whatever...was on the other. Can you say "Parmen's little dream group?"

When asked if Parmen made any inappropriate advances to the doctor, McCoy poured himself another Salamander Fire Tea.

"Everything about that flaybottom, sexually-challenged rantallion was inappropriate. Are you thinkin' of something in particular?"

FED-INST did inquire further about Parmen's potential inappropriate gestures to Dr. McCoy. When specified in the field of "actual physical touching" the doctor ordered another Salamander.

"Beats me if psychokinesis qualifies as actual physical touching. I better check with Sam Cogley to see if there's a legal block on that. But, yeah. Kept using that crazy power of his to "straighten up my hair" and "there's lint on your shirt" and leaned close to "figure out my

cologne" about every ten minutes. I got tired of it and pointed out I didn't wear cologne and he offered to change that for me. I'm gettin' old if I can't catch a line like that coming. It was a trap the size of a box canyon."

Would the doctor have eventually submitted to Parmen's overtures?

"I kept hoping his wife would notice and start acting jealous." He confessed."Then those cussed secondary tricorder readings came in. That Bimbo might be packed and stacked, but she was still male enough to remember that every man's fantasy is to watch their wife get it on with another. Talk about the Badger Game gone horribly awry. I would have had to kill somebody."

What, this reporter asked, would the doctor have done if rescue was out of the question?

"Done something really drastic. I'm pretty good at that kind of thing. Of course, now that I can look back on it, they might have respected it more if I told 'em my wife wouldn't let me do that kind of stuff without permission."

Lt. Uhura, Communications Officer and Head Nurse Chapel, who were forced to attend the Platonian's entertainment, remain puzzled about the matter.

"We figured they wanted us to resist when they put us in the captain and Mr. Spock's arms." Lt. Uhura related. "So, you know, we thought we might as well play it by ear and figure out what was going on."

"When in Rome." Nurse Chapel added. "Or, rather, Platonius. It's not as if it were torture for us, but the captain and Commander Spock were clearly uncomfortable. At the time we thought that was highly unusual. Of course, now that we know what kironide does, that's understandable."

"I have no regrets." Commander Spock said of the experience. "It was illuminating to see that there were species in the Galaxy who actually chose to wear Dicotyledons as headwear. I am still, however, attempting to discern the benefits. The protection seems minimal at best."

Parmen and his people were unavailable for comment, but they did release a statement saying they requested that Parmen's "gifts of goodwill" to the ENTERPRISE officers to be returned to them.

"Exactly what my ex said when we broke up." Dr. McCoy chortled with laughter."Good luck, Parmen. I *earned* that Scroll of Hippocrates, "services rendered" and all. Besides, I donated it to the Museum of Living Vitalism on Alpha Centauri. Jim was using the Shield of Achilles as a candy tray the last time I was in his cabin, and I think Spock gave that whatyamacallit they gave him to Amanda for Mother's Day."

"That was a document from Aristotle." Commander Spock elaborated on his "goodwill gift." "Not a writer I prefer. His scientific methodology was erratic and his observations of nature, even worse. Dr. McCoy has been introducing me to the salvaged works of Heraclitus and we agree his assessments are far superior. However, my mother is a linguistics teacher, and I felt the document an appropriate honoring of her Maternity Celebration."

FED-INST asked Dr. McCoy how Captain Kirk and Commander Spock were adjusting, overall, to their experience.

"Well, Spock is still trying to figure out why people would willingly stick leaves on their head when it can't protect 'em from the rain. I can't help him there. Jim had a bad moment when he remembered Achilles was the warrior Patrocles' lover: I think if made him wonder if Parmen

was tryin' to be subtle. But Lt. Uhura and Nurse Chapel are both seein' to em every night for Group Discussion. The therapy seems to be helping them a lot; they sure don't miss a night of it." And does Dr. McCoy ever attend these therapy sessions? "Nah. I'm married. I talk over my feelings with Natira. As the heirophant of her people, she's pretty curious about non-computerized forms of domination over sentient life forms."

When asked for details he merely said, "There's a paper in the future. Right now, we're concentrating on a lot of research."

When asked for a quote, Admiral Colt claimed that the next time a powerful species demanded Dr. McCoy, the ENTERPRISE was under orders to comply.

"It's no problem at all." She insisted. "We already have his replacement on standby."

"Fine." Dr. McCoy answered. "If they're anything like the Platonians I'll just drink'em all under the table and beam up with the silverware."

WILL DR. MCCOY RETURN TO RANK WITHIN FIVE STANDARD DAYS? PLEASE CALL IN YOUR VOTES! #304FEDERATIONSTIGATION-POLL!

AMBASSADOR SAREK: "I find it difficult to imagine a sub-yeoman could rescue a planet from the diseases and plagues the ENTERPRISE constantly encounters. Anyway, his arguments over separatism of medicine and military are logical."

COMMANDER SPOCK: "I was not aware that sub-yeoman exited in the Starfleet Ranking Rolls. Upon consultation, I realized it had been created 5.67 minutes after Dr. McCoy referred to a superior officer as a predatory siphoning ingestor of subcutaneous viral masses from Deneb."

CAPTAIN KIRK: "You'll notice I never bust him in rank. If you really want to hurt him, make him attend an astrophysics convention with my helmsman. Anyway, I just call him "Bones" half the time."

REAR ADMIRAL TRASK: "If this form of political protest continues, we we'll have no recourse but to invent a new and lower form of rank for him."

SUB-YEOMAN MCCOY: "They'll eventually give up. They always do. Pass the Salamanders."

FEDERATIONSTIGATION CLASSIFIEDS ADS:

PARMEN OF PLATONIUS: "Situation wanted: Submissive physician to attend advanced and superior lifeforms. No dwarves or men with un-evolved gender issues, speech drawls or sarcasm need apply."